FRIDAY, JUNE 30 2000
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic."

THURSDAY, JUNE 29 2000
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 28 2000
There are more dead people than living. And their numbers are increasing. The living are getting rarer.

TUESDAY, JUNE 27 2000
All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.

MONDAY, JUNE 26 2000
Like most endeavors, life is seriously over-advertised and under-funded.

SUNDAY, JUNE 25 2000
Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.

SATURDAY, JUNE 24 2000
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

FRIDAY, JUNE 23 2000
What is life, except excuse for death, or death but an escape from life.

THURSDAY, JUNE 22 2000
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 21 2000
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

TUESDAY, JUNE 20 2000
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

MONDAY, JUNE 19 2000
If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

SUNDAY, JUNE 18 2000
Life is too serious to be taken seriously.

SATURDAY, JUNE 17 2000
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

FRIDAY, JUNE 16 2000
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing pole.

THURSDAY, JUNE 15 2000
Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 14 2000
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive.

TUESDAY, JUNE 13 2000
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.

MONDAY, JUNE 12 2000
A life without cause is a life without effect.

SUNDAY, JUNE 11 2000
Council for the defence was prepared to prove: 1) He shot in self defence, 2) The police did it and stuck the gun in his hand, and 3) He was 100 miles away when it happened.

SATURDAY, JUNE 10 2000
You are better off not knowing how sausages and laws are made.

FRIDAY, JUNE 9 2000
English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.

THURSDAY, JUNE 8 2000
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 7 2000
I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying.
      -- Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US.

TUESDAY, JUNE 6 2000
Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers.

MONDAY, JUNE 5 2000
The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector.
      -- Knight Ridder News Service dispatch

SUNDAY, JUNE 4 2000
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.

SATURDAY, JUNE 3 2000
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.

FRIDAY, JUNE 2 2000
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

THURSDAY, JUNE 1 2000
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
      -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 31 2000
There are 4 kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.

TUESDAY, MAY 30 2000
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
      -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

MONDAY, MAY 29 2000
The 10 Commandments contain 297 words. The Bill of Rights is stated in 463 words. Lincon's Gettysburg Address contains 266 words. A recent federal directive to regulate the price of cabbage contains 26,911 words. What does that tell you?

SUNDAY, MAY 28 2000
Language is the armory of the human mind, and at once contains the trophies of its past and the weapons of its future conquests.

SATURDAY, MAY 27 2000
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

FRIDAY, MAY 26 2000
Conversation is the slowest form of human communication.

THURSDAY, MAY 25 2000
A witty saying proves nothing.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 24 2000
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
      -- Lily Tomlin

TUESDAY, MAY 23 2000
The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it.

MONDAY, MAY 22 2000
The more you say, the less people remember. The fewer the words, the greater the profit.

SUNDAY, MAY 21 2000
Language is a wonderful thing. It can be used to express thoughts, to conceal thoughts, but more often, to replace thinking.

SATURDAY, MAY 20 2000
Language is not only the vehicle of thought, it is a great and efficient instrument in thinking.
      -- Humphrey Davy

FRIDAY, MAY 19 2000
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

THURSDAY, MAY 18 2000
From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 17 2000
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.

TUESDAY, MAY 16 2000
The confidence of ignorance will always overcome indecision of knowledge.

MONDAY, MAY 15 2000
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

SUNDAY, MAY 14 2000
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

SATURDAY, MAY 13 2000
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again -- and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.

FRIDAY, MAY 12 2000
A wise man sees as much as he ought, not as much as he can.

THURSDAY, MAY 11 2000
It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 10 2000
Ignorance is a voluntary misfortune.

TUESDAY, MAY 9 2000
Knowledge is of two kinds. We know a subject ourselves, or we know where we can find information on it.

MONDAY, MAY 8 2000
The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand.

SUNDAY, MAY 7 2000
The little I know I owe to my ignorance.

SATURDAY, MAY 6 2000
Imagination is more important than knowledge.

FRIDAY, MAY 5 2000
It takes a long time to understand nothing.

THURSDAY, MAY 4 2000
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 3 2000
The first step towards knowledge is to know that we are ignorant.

TUESDAY, MAY 2 2000
Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.

MONDAY, MAY 1 2000
If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.

SUNDAY, APRIL 30 2000
Even a fool knows you can't touch the stars, but it doesn't stop a wise man from trying.

SATURDAY, APRIL 29 2000
I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way.

FRIDAY, APRIL 28 2000
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

THURSDAY, APRIL 27 2000
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 26 2000
A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people.

TUESDAY, APRIL 25 2000
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

MONDAY, APRIL 24 2000
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

SUNDAY, APRIL 23 2000
Living in the past has one thing in its favor - it's cheaper.

SATURDAY, APRIL 22 2000
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.

FRIDAY, APRIL 21 2000
History is made at night. Character is what you are in the dark.

THURSDAY, APRIL 20 2000
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 19 2000
If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience.

TUESDAY, APRIL 18 2000
Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.

MONDAY, APRIL 17 2000
The charm of history and its enigmatic lesson consist in the fact that, from age to age, nothing changes and yet everything is completely different.

SUNDAY, APRIL 16 2000
In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.

SATURDAY, APRIL 15 2000
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

FRIDAY, APRIL 14 2000
If you had your life to live over again -- you'd need more money.

THURSDAY, APRIL 13 2000
They were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Naturally they became heroes.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 12 2000
Heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity. Thus are legends born!

TUESDAY, APRIL 11 2000
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be creamed?

MONDAY, APRIL 10 2000
Slovotsky's Law Number Thirty-One: Get scared right away; avoid the rush.

SUNDAY, APRIL 9 2000
I find that we all get more legendary as time goes by. "Legend" means, basically, "bullshit."

SATURDAY, APRIL 8 2000
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.

FRIDAY, APRIL 7 2000
A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterward.

THURSDAY, APRIL 6 2000
Legend -- a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 5 2000
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

TUESDAY, APRIL 4 2000
Happiness is just an illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality.

MONDAY, APRIL 3 2000
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.

SUNDAY, APRIL 2 2000
We seem to have a compulsion these days to bury time capsules in order to give those people living in the next century or so some idea of what we are like. I have prepared one of my own. I have placed some rather large samples of dynamite, gunpowder, and nitroglycerin. My time capsule is set to go off in the year 3000. It will show them what we are really like.

SATURDAY, APRIL 1 2000
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.

FRIDAY, MARCH 31 2000
Never speak ill of yourself; your friends will always say enough on that subject.

THURSDAY, MARCH 30 2000
We really don't have enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 29 2000
A man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.

TUESDAY, MARCH 28 2000
What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.
      -- Aristotle

MONDAY, MARCH 27 2000
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.

SUNDAY, MARCH 26 2000
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.

SATURDAY, MARCH 25 2000
As blushing will sometimes make a whore pass for a virtuous woman, so modesty may make a fool seem a man of sense.

FRIDAY, MARCH 24 2000
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools.

THURSDAY, MARCH 23 2000
There is no cause so right that one cannot find a fool following it.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 22 2000
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenius.

TUESDAY, MARCH 21 2000
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

MONDAY, MARCH 20 2000
Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.

SUNDAY, MARCH 19 2000
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

SATURDAY, MARCH 18 2000
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most fools do.

FRIDAY, MARCH 17 2000
There's no fool like an old fool -- you can't beat experience.

THURSDAY, MARCH 16 2000
Silence is the virtue of fools.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 15 2000
Experience is what you got by not having it when you need it.

TUESDAY, MARCH 14 2000
Trouble brings experience, and experience brings wisdom.

MONDAY, MARCH 13 2000
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.

SUNDAY, MARCH 12 2000
Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.

SATURDAY, MARCH 11 2000
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

FRIDAY, MARCH 10 2000
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

THURSDAY, MARCH 9 2000
Experience is a good school, but the fees are high.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 8 2000
Experience is what allows us to repeat our mistakes, only with more finesse!
      -- Derwood Fincher

TUESDAY, MARCH 7 2000
Experience is a great advantage. The problem is that when you get the experience, you're too damned old to do anything about it.

MONDAY, MARCH 6 2000
Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.

SUNDAY, MARCH 5 2000
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.

SATURDAY, MARCH 4 2000
When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it.

FRIDAY, MARCH 3 2000
Don't be so humble, you're not that great.

THURSDAY, MARCH 2 2000
The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 1 2000
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 29 2000
Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 28 2000
An egotist is a person of low taste -- more interested in himself than in me.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 27 2000
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 26 2000
The purpose of a liberal education is to make you philisophical enough to accept the fact that you will never make much money.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 25 2000
The purpose of a liberal arts education is to learn that a person can like both cats and dogs!

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 24 2000
The purpose of a liberal education is to make one's mind a pleasant place to spend one's leisure.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 23 2000
I have never let my schooling interfere with my educations.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 22 2000
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 21 2000
About all some parents accomplish in life is to send a child to Harvard.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 20 2000
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 19 2000
The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.
      -- Alvin Toffler

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 18 2000
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 17 2000
Try not to have a good time... this is supposed to be educational.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 16 2000
Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 15 2000
If you have both feet planted on level ground, then the university has failed you.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 14 2000
I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers.
      -- Kahlil Gibran

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 13 2000
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself.
      -- Galileo

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 12 2000
The whole art of teaching is only the art of awakening the natural curiosity of young minds for the purpose of satisfying it afterwards.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 11 2000
The theoretical broadening which comes from having many humanities subjects on the campus is offset by the general dopiness of the people who study these things...

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 10 2000
The lecturer should give the audience full reason to believe that all his powers have been exerted for their pleasure and instruction.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 9 2000
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 8 2000
Education makes a people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern but impossible to enslave.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 7 2000
Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 6 2000
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 5 2000
Learning is finding out what you already know.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 4 2000
How can we hope to remain economically competitive in a world in which... 90% of Dutch high-school students take advanced math courses and 100% of teachers in Germany have double majors, while the best we can say about our "pocket of excellence" is that 75% of [American] students have learned to "critique tactfully?"

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 3 2000
A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell, where his influence stops.
      -- Henry B. Adams

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 2 2000
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 1 2000
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.

MONDAY, JANUARY 31 2000
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 30 2000
Economists are people who work with numbers but don't have the personality to be accountants.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 29 2000
When it's a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.
      -- Voltaire

FRIDAY, JANUARY 28 2000
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 27 2000
There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody.
      -- Adlai Stevenson, in Bill Adler, The Stevenson Wit

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 26 2000
When better business decisions are made, economists won't make them.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 25 2000
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

MONDAY, JANUARY 24 2000
An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 23 2000
Money couldn't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
      -- Spike Milligan

SATURDAY, JANUARY 22 2000
I am not an economist. I am an honest man!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 21 2000
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it... it would have been much better.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 20 2000
Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 19 2000
The trick is to stop thinking it as 'your' money.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 18 2000
I'm proud of paying taxes. The only thing is -- I could be just as proud for half the money.

MONDAY, JANUARY 17 2000
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 16 2000
Ask five economists and you'll get five different answers (six if one went to Harvard).

SATURDAY, JANUARY 15 2000
Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 14 2000
Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn't have it and thought of other things if you did.
      -- James Baldwin, Nobody Knows My Name

THURSDAY, JANUARY 13 2000
What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at an electric fan.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 12 2000
If you haven't all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you wouldn't want.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 11 2000
Help me to resist temptation, Lord, especially when I know no one is looking.

MONDAY, JANUARY 10 2000
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 9 2000
There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 8 2000
Whatever you want too much you can't have, so when you REALLY want something, try to want it a little less.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 7 2000
I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 6 2000
Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 5 2000
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 4 2000
You know, sometimes a man just can't satisfy all of a woman's desires. Which is why God invented dental floss.

MONDAY, JANUARY 3 2000
When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 2 2000
Virtue is its own reward, but then so is sin!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 1 2000
The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 31 1999
I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 30 1999
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day -- and another, in case it doesn't rain.
      -- Mae West, New York Mirror, April 6, 1958

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 29 1999
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 28 1999
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 27 1999
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 26 1999
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 25 1999
I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 24 1999
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 23 1999
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 22 1999
It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 21 1999
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 20 1999
We who are about to die, are going to take one hell of a lot of the bastards with us.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 19 1999
Death: When the Black Camel comes for me, I'm not going to go kicking and screaming -- I am, however, going to try to talk my way out of it. "No, no, you want the other Walter Slovotsky."

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 18 1999
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 17 1999
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 16 1999
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 15 1999
Death: I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 14 1999
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 13 1999
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 12 1999
Death: I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 11 1999
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 10 1999
A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9 1999
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 8 1999
Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 7 1999
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 6 1999
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 5 1999
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 4 1999
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3 1999
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 2 1999
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 1 1999
You can call her an outdoor girl if she has the bloom of youth on her cheeks and the cheeks of youth in her bloomers.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 30 1999
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 29 1999
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 28 1999
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 27 1999
Childhood: The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 26 1999
Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless; peacocks and lilies, for example.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 25 1999
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 24 1999
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 23 1999
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 22 1999
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 21 1999
The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them [which] we are missing.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 20 1999
No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 19 1999
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 18 1999
I MAY NOT AGREE WITH WHAT YOU SAY, BUT I WILL DIE FOR YOUR RIGHT TO SAY IT.
      -- Voltaire