"We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval."

"You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day."

Steve : Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...

Matt  : Steve, what are you doing?

Steve : I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.

Matt  : But you left the last one -- it's my turn.

Steve : No, I'm sure it's my turn.

Matt  : No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn.

Steve : You fool. I know it's... wait... Matt... what are you doing with that frying pan?!?

BONK! (really loud thud)

Matt  : Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

"Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?"

"This is [insert number]. We are not... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN!

(sound of window breaking)

Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."

"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does..."

(Annoying flute music in background)

Good day, Jim.

Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds.

Good Luck, Jim.

"Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name...", etc.

"Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer."

(In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music)

Good Day My child, you have reached [insert name] dial a confession. At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get back to you with your penance. Thank you and may God go with you.

Hi this is [insert name]. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.

A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely, horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING BETTER."

I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the phone with :

- "Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking."
- "Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG)
- "Da, zis iz Ivan : Do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
- "Pentagon command : transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct : T minus one minute and counting."

And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of the local take-out. With my non-British accent I had some great fun with that phone.

- "Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?"
(silence... click)
- "Vancouver coastguard, may I help you?"
British long distance rates are phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had managed to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.

(Noisy pick-up of phone)

Uh... Hello?

Hi, I'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... uh, I'll post it on the 'fridge where he'll see it. Uh... by the way, where did you say you live?

But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone at 10 am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message.

Feh!

(Must have good Australian accent)

G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious...

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

Also, on the subject of answering machines, my favorite tape was :

"This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message."

Really confused people.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future...

Hello. Lindsey's not home now -- this is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.

"Hi! You have reached [insert number]. This is an answering machine. This is the 21st Century. You know what to do."

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Ring, Ring :

The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!

"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!

[insert your name here] can't come to the phone right now, because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..."

(Background music is frantic, violin oriented)

"Hello. You have reached xxx-xxxx. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message..." etc.

(Spoken in a granny voice)

"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot."

(Must be spoken in a drawl)

Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but...

From Calvin and Hobbes :

(phone rings)

(you answer) Hello, this is [insert name] speaking. I'd like a large pizza with extra anchovies.

(other person) What?

(you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.

(hang up)

"I'm home right now... I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?"

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.

(sound effect : Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex)

But this method doesn't work with a telephone call...

(sound effect : dial tone)

Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

"Hi, you have reached [insert your number]. Please leave your name, phone number and a message and if we like it we will return your call."

However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day per year :

"This is David. I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please leave a message or call back after the holiday."

No one wants to admit not having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves me no bad news or requests for favors.

"This is David. Talk."

"Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one."

"Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number..."

Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine :

"Hi, this is Jeff. We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually."

(BEEP)

My favorite post quake message :

"Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got."

"Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner."

Ring... click...

(Sound of loud music in background)

...Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off

(Sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. Sound of person running back to phone.)

OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this... well hi!... uh huh... yeah... well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back.

(This ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)

"Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges."

"Speak, worm!"

Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.

"You know what to do at the tone."

"Hello?"

This confuses anyone who doesn't know you.

"Hello, I'm not here." A friend of mine used this one last summer.

I always answered it with, "Okay, that's all I wanted to know."

Hi! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now.

If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket.

If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it.

If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the @#%$ pope. Yeah that's it.

One voice     : I didn't expect an answering machine.

Another voice : Nobody expects an answering machine.

Our chief use is to get your name. And phone number.

Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And message.

(damn)

Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. And time you called.

Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No... no time for that, so just wait for the beep.

(In an Italian mafia-style tone : )

"Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (a little laughter)..."

(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate instrumental accompaniment)

I just left home baby

I'll be out fer a spell

and if you don't leave a message baby

you can go to @#%$.

Hello, this is [insert name]. I'm home right now, and in a few moments, I'll have a decision to make.

BEEEP!

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes :

The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the kitty.

The choice is YOURS.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL.

KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.

THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES...

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!!!

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you...

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05.

Counting down to test : 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... the telephone is next to an answering machine... you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... you hear a beep...

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

(For Shakespeare lovers only)

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,

So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

(VOICE 1) Answer the phone, please, Hal.

(VOICE 2) I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

Ok, One more time...

This is our answering machine...

This is the message on our answering machine...

...Any questions?

Hi, can I speak to Mark?... Oh, there isn't?... I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.

The number you have reached, Seven-Six-Seven-One-Two-Three-Four, [insert your number here] has not been disconnected and is still in service.

Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.

HANS  : This is Hans.

FRANZ : And this is Franz, and we just want to...

BOTH  : Pump (CLAP) you up.

HANS  : But we are not at home, you know.

FRANZ : Ya, we are gone.

HANS  : If you want us to...

BOTH  : Pump (CLAP) you up.

HANS  : You will leave a message after the beep.

FRANZ : If you don't leave a message, then you are Girlyman.

HANS  : Ya, Girlyman. And we don't talk to Girlyman, you know.

FRANZ : So leave a message and we will call to...

BOTH  : Pump (CLAP) you up.

"Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... leave your name and number and tell us where *YOU* saw Elvis!"

In a vaguely phone co-operator voice :

"I'm sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety degrees and try your call again."

A few people even got the joke...

"You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-important."

"Heaven, God speaking."

"City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"

"Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell."

"I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they hear a busy signal."

If you are a burglar, then we are probably at home but can't come to the phone right now. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home.

The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again!

This is you-know who.

We are you-know-where.

Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

"I'm Morley Safer."

"I'm Harry Reasoner."

"I'm ........"

"And I'm ......."

"We're not home; leave a message."

(He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded very funny.)

Another one I've done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch and speed of my voice while recording the message to make it sound like the machine is broken:

(start, low pitch, slow)

"Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy....

(middle, normal)

..home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home...

(later, high pitch, fast)

..butifyou'dliketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...

(end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish)

..kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfdskoreudjfkleqBEEP!"

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my Amiga's speech sythesizer. It's set up as a dialog between two distinct, but recognizably artificial voices. I thought it sort of mediocre myself, but have gotten quite a number of amused comments about it.


1> Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.

2> Yeah, nobody but us machines!

1> Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...

2> ...and a message! You forgot about the message!

1> Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.

2> ...unless of course, somebody pulls out our plug!

I taped the operator saying, "We're sorry. The number you have reached has been disconnected or is no longer is service..."

From Halloween this year :

(Ominous electronic background music.)

Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh, unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by?

SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...

(French monologue in the background)

Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".

Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...

Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.

(click)

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

(BEEEEEEEEEEEP)

Message          : Hi this is Craig's car phone. Craig's at home now, so you can try calling him there or leave a message after the beep.

Caller's message : Hmmm. Car phone!?! I'll call back later when you're out.

Every now and then we are all pestered by these high-tech telemarketing companies where the sales pitch is usually disguised as a survey of some kind.

The despicable thing about these things is that they won't leave you alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again.

One day my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was hilarious, as it consisted of two machines talking to each other without having the slightest idea about what each other was saying.

The conversation wound up in an endless loop, as follows :


(PHONE) *RING*

(ANSWERING MACHINE) "...At the tone, please give your message. BEEEEEP."

(PHONE) "Hello. This is [company name], and we are taking a telephone survey... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please speak plainly. I will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it. First, what is your phone number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

(The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought it was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.)

(ANSWERING MACHINE) "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

(PHONE) "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-22222. Is that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

(ANSWERING MACHINE) "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

(PHONE) "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

(ANSWERING MACHINE) "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

(PHONE) Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP."

(ANSWERING MACHINE) "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

(PHONE) "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEEP."

(ANSWERING MACHINE) "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[--------------- BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------]

(PHONE) "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP."

(ANSWERING MACHINE) "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

(PHONE) "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP."

(ANSWERING MACHINE) "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

(PHONE) "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP."

(ANSWERING MACHINE) "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[---------------------END LOOP -----------------------]

My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for over half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on. When she discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children, all over 1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The computer never called again.

I had a friend who liked to play with the phones. He got his girlfriend to sound like an operator and make a tape saying :

"I'm sorry, the number that has dialed you is not in service. Will you please hang up and let it dial again... I'm sorry, the..."

He had a lot of fun calling people up and playing it.

I once answered the phone as follows.

"San Luis Obispo Police, Sergeant McCallahan here, may I help you?"

After about five seconds of dead air, I heard a click. About five minutes later, the phone rang again. This time my roomate answered. It was the same person that had called a few minutes earlier. It turned out that the long delay between calls was due to the fact that he had to mooch a quarter for his next call. He was at a public phone booth and had used his last quarter to call us. I don't think he talked civil to me for a week...

My grandmother had been bothered by calls coming in after midnight, waking her, and forcing her out of bed and across the house to answer. Invariably, they were from the same man, seemingly slightly intoxicated, with bar-crowd noises in the background. He wanted to speak to Peggy, whoever that was, and my grandmother would tell him there was no Peggy living there, and that he must have the wrong number. But he wouldn't believe her, and kept insisting, begging, pleading, etc. to talk to Peggy. My Grandmother would have to just hang up finally. This went on for a few days, and late one night, when the phone rang, my Grandfather held back his wife, and said, "I'll take care of this", and got out of bed to answer the phone. The ensuing conversation was short and quick, and went something like this :

"Hello?"

"Hello, can I speak to Peggy?"

"No, I'm sorry, she can't come to the phone right now -- she's nursing the baby."

He never called back.

Here's my favorite, for calling large offices and idiots-in-general :

"Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?"

My solution is upon realizing that I'm talking with a "telemarketing representative", I ask : "Are you a telemarketer?"

The answer (suprisingly) is usually yes. I then go into a sales pitch to sell a (non-existent) telephone ear-cushion. I insist that every telemarketer must have one for safety and comfort. Eventually, they'll forget to try selling me anything.

A recent posting by Duke McMullan requested ways to repel telephone solicitors. My friend Pepe Tres from Texas told me this one and gave permission to post it :

"My time is billed at $125 per hour. To continue this conversation, I must have your MasterCard or Visa number, card type and date of expiration."

Pepe says it usually leaves them speechless.

One guy replied, "Hey, that's good; I'll have to remember it."

Once a supervisor of telephone solicitors called back and asked him if he was "some kind of high-powered lawyer."

Everybody gets and dials wrong numbers. It's good to be nice about it. What goes around comes around, right? So, I try to reassure the apologetic and embarrassed wrong dialers that will actually converse once the error is discovered, with it going something like this :

Caller with wrong number : "Gee, I'm sorry..."

Me                       : "That's OK, I was going to pick up the phone anyway..."

How about the 'Fraudian Slip Answer'? Like this :

[insert name] here. What can I do to -- I MEAN -- FOR you?

Try the following next time the phone rings :

You (when you answer) : Hello, is Jimmy there?

Caller : No, I'm afraid you have a wrong number.

You    : Oh. Sorry.

Caller : No problem... (click)

(Use a strong east Indian accent)

Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of [insert name]. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly.

Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm...

Answering machines :

'Hi this is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are a gorgeous female, I have plenty of money!'

'Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.'

Hey YOU,

This is (you-know-who) leaving a (you-know-what) for you on a (you-know-what). Now that you're listening to (you-know-what), you know you have to leave a message (you-know-when) (you-know-how). So after you've done everything you know what you have to do as well. If you don't know what I'm saying, you know you have to call back later (but-you-don't-know-when) and hope I'm (you-know-where) to pick it up.

So long, you... FREAK!!!

      - MrNiceGuy