A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, now stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

      For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.

      Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.

      Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

A heart is not a play thing,
A heart is not a toy,
But if you want it broken,
Just give it to a boy.

Boys they like to play with things
To see what makes them run,
But when it comes to kissing,
They do it just for fun.

Boys never give their hearts away
They play us girls for fools,
They wait untill we give our hearts
And then they play it cool.

You will wonder where he is at night
You will wonder if he's true,
One moment you will be happy,
One moment you will be blue.

If you get a chance to see him
Your heart begins to dance
Your life revolves around him,
There's nothing like romance.

And then it starts to happen,
You worry day and night
You see, my friend, you're losing him
It never turns out right.

Boys are great, though immature
The price you pay is high,
He may seem sweet and gorgeous
But remember, he's a guy.

Don't fall in love with just a boy
That takes a lot of nerve.
You see, my friend, you need a man
To get what you deserve.

So when you think that you're in love,
Be careful if you can
Before you give your heart away
Make sure that he's a man.

Ok guys, let's not get disappointed... now its their turn! lol :)

There are many good things in life,
Like cars, money, and weed.
But if you want something confusing,
A girl is all you need.

A girl doesn't say what she wants,
But you're somehow supposed to know.
If they want to do this or do that,
Stay here, stay there, or just go.

Then there's the time, you all know what I mean,
That monthly little joy.
That lets them abuse the shit out of you,
Just for being a boy.

If you ever dare look at another girl,
They seem to scream, go on, and panic.
But watch how fast they ignore you,
At the sight of that queer from Titanic.

They give you questions like "Am I fat?",
And "If you could go with one of my friends, who?".
There is no answer, face the facts,
You are definitely through.

They take nothing and blow it up,
And make a tremendous fuss.
So girls, no matter what you think,
You are just as hard to understand as us.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"Okay, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover on the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "Its dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do," the little extortionist continues.

"Ok. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with the little boy.

"Its dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"Ok. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies.

Then the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "Gee, its dark in here, isn't it?"

The priest says, "Don't you start that shit in here now."

Ever wonder how things get done?
After reading this I'm really wondering... Or should I say now I know!

For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason :
I'm tired because I'm overworked.

* The population of the United Stated is 239 million.
* 106 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
* There are 83 million who are underage or still in school, and 30 people who are still working on their PhD's since the 50's, which leave 49.99997 million to do the work.
* Four million, four hundred ninety nine thousand, nine hundred seventy are in the Armed Forces, which leaves forty five and a half million to do the work.
* Of this there are 29.4 million employed by the Federal Government. This leaves 18.5 million to do the work. Half that many work for State and City Governments, leaving 1,400,000 to do the work.
* Now, there are 895,798 people in prisons, so that leaves 504,202 to do the work.
* There are 504,200 people being treated in hospitals, at doctor appointments, or on sick leave today.
* That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting there reading this!

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer)
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling. ****
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point : women never listen either.

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Step 1 : Go buy a turkey.
Step 2 : Take a drink of whiskey.
Step 3 : Put turkey in the oven.
Step 4 : Take another two drinks of whiskey.
Step 5 : Set the degree at 375 ovens.
Step 6 : Take three more whiskeys of drink.
Step 7 : Turn oven the on.
Step 8 : Take four whisks of drinkey.
Step 9 : Turk the bastey.
Step 10 : Whiskey a another bottle of get.
Step 11 : Stick a turkey in the thermometer.
Step 12 : Glass yourself another pour of whiskey.
Step 13 : Bake the whiskey for four hours.
Step 14 : Take the oven out of the turkey.
Step 15 : Take the oven out of the turkey.
Step 16 : Floor the turkey up off of the pick.
Step 17 : Turk the carvey.
Step 18 : Get yourself another scottle of botch.
Step 19 : Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
Step 20 : Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

STAGE 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

STAGE 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

STAGE 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

STAGE 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

STAGE 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

In the restroom at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

Two men approach each other on a pavement, each dragging his right foot as he walks.

As they meet, one looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other guy says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

Deer hunting season is here... Here are the secret diary entries from last year's deer hunt.

1:00 am - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed.
3:00 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05 am - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 am - Drive like a bat outta h--- to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent.
4:30 am - Head into the woods.
6:05 am - See eight deer.
6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am - "Click."
6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 am - Head back to camp.
9:00 am - Still looking for camp.
10:00 am - Realize you don't know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 pm - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 pm - Rescued.
12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 pm - Arrived back in camp.
3:30 pm - Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 pm - Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 pm - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 pm - Load gun.
6:02 pm - Fire gun.
6:03 pm - One dead pickup truck.
6:05 pm - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 pm - Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 pm - Fall into fire.
6:10 pm - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 pm - Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 pm - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:26 pm - Start walking.
6:30 pm - Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud.
6:35 pm - Meet bear.
6:36 pm - Take aim.
6:37 pm - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 pm - Make mess in pants.
6:39 pm - Climb tree.
9:00 pm - Bear departs - wrap %&*$#@ gun around tree.
Midnight - Home at last.
Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it.

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.

He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal."

He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

"We need to talk" - "I need to complain"
"I'm not upset" - "Of course I'm upset, you moron"
"You're so... manly" - "You need a shave and a shower"
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" - "I have flabby thighs"
"Size doesn't matter" - "G-U-L-L-I-B-L-E"
"The kitchen is so inconvenient" - "I want a new house"
"Hang the picture there" - "No, I mean hang it there"
"I heard a noise" - "I noticed you were almost asleep"
"Do you love me?" - "I'm thinking about buying something really expensive"
"How much do you love me?" - "I did something today you're really not going to like"
"You have to learn to communicate" - "Just agree with me"
"Are you listening to me?" - "Too late mister, you're dead"
"Do you like this recipe?" - "It's easy to make so you'd better get used to it"
"I'm not yelling" - "Of course I'm yelling... this is important"
"It's your decision" - "The correct decision should be obvious to you too, by now"
"Do what you want" - "You'll pay for this later"
"Whatever" - "You'll pay for this later"
"Fine" - "You'll pay for this later"

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then the man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. By this time everyone had left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. However, the police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

With a smile on his face, the driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy!"

The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling : "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Element : Woman

Symbol : Wo

Discoverer : Adam

Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 kg, may vary from 40-200 kg

Atomic Weight : (don't even go there!)

Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical properties :
1. Generally round in form.
2. Surface usually covered in painted film.
3. Boils at nothing, may freeze any time without any known reason.
4. Melts if given special treatment.
5. Bitter if incorrectly used.
6. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
7. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical properties :
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and a range of precious stones.
2. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food and expensive substances.
3. Highly unstable and may explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Very active and could turn violent when left alone.
5. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
6. Most powerful reducing agent know to man.

Common uses :
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
4. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Tests :
1. Pure specimens turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :
1. Highly dangerous and explosive except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

WARNING :
PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE PHYSICAL, MENTAL AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE.

Element Name : MAN

Symbol : XY

Atomic Weight : (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties :
1. Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily.
2. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
3. Difficult to find a pure sample.
4. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties :
1. Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
2. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
3. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element : Child) for prolonged periods of time.
4. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage :
1. None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution :
1. In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Two men were talking. One of them wanted to know the difference between 'aggravation' and 'irritation'.

The other one said, "Hand me the phone book. I'll show you the difference."

He called a number and a woman answered, "Hello," he said, "I'd like to speak to Joe."

The woman replied sweetly, "I'm sorry, but you have the wrong number."

The caller apologized and hung up. He wait a minute and then redialed the woman's number.

"I'd like to speak to Joe," he said when the woman answered.

"You must be the same gentleman who called before," she said. "I'm sorry, but you have dialed the wrong number again."

He apologized once more. A minute later, he dialed the same number.

"Let me talk to Joe," he said.

The woman was by now obviously angry, "I've told you twice that there is no Joe living here! Don't bother me again with that!" She slammed down the phone.

The man turned to his friend and said, "That's irritation. Now I'll show you what aggravation is."

He dialed the number again.

When the woman answered, he said, "This is Joe, did anybody call me?"

Three Engineers and three MBAs are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three Engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all three Engineers cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The MBAs see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the MBAs decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed MBA.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

When they board the train the three MBAs cram into a bathroom and the three Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the MBAs are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose than the rest of them. He agreed to serve as scapegoat but asked for just one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite one other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope, looking oddly nervous, waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

Sweating profusely, the Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope, shaking and twitching, stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.'

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.

The Pope said : 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!

'What happened?' they asked.

'Well,' said Moishe, 'First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.'

'And then?' asked a woman.

'I don't know,' said Moishe.

'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'

An old couple go to the doctor for their yearly physicals. One at a time, the doctor brings them into the examination room, starting with the husband.

"Well, Mr. Smith, you're in great shape for a man your age," says the doctor.

The man replies, "Well doc, I don't drink, I don't smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me."

"What do you mean?" asks the doctor.

The old man says, "For instance, last night in the middle of the night, I had to get up to go to the bathroom - and the good Lord turned on the light for me so I wouldn't fall down."

"That's nice," said the doctor, confused. "Send your wife in now, please."

The wife comes in and the doc says, "Mrs. Smith, you're in great shape for a woman your age."

She then says, "Well, doc, I don't drink, I don't smoke..."

The doctor interrupts, "And the good Lord looks after you, right?"

The woman is confused and says, "What are you talking about?"

The doctor explains, "Your husband was just telling me the same thing. He said that the good Lord looks after him. Like last night when he had to go to the bathroom, the good Lord turned the light on for him."

"Damn!" she yelled, "So he's pissing in the refrigerator again!"

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!"

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm.

The local drunk saw this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?"

"That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly. "That's a duck."

"I know," replied the drunk. "I was talking to the duck."

A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject.

Below are the winners :

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is colour-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable."

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

- Sauce unknown

By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said Willard.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, cutie,' and he sat bolt upright all night watching me like a hawk."

A junior high school principal had a problem with girls who were starting to use lipstick.

When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints.

So he spoke to the teachers and asked them for their help.

They promised they would speak to the girls, but after two weeks, the situation didn't improve at all.

He called a few of the girls parents who were his friends for their advice, but to no avail. The mirrors were constantly a mess.

Finally he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors.

You could see the young girls smiling at each other, all nodding publicly but smirking to one another.

The principal then asked the custodian, who was present, to demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors.

The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror. From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

Many, many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow,
Pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
With flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
Now my daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up-daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

One day a convenience store worker was sitting not doing much. At 2 o'clock the doors swing open and a duck walks in.

"Do you have any duck food?" the duck asks.

"No, we don't got any duck food."

"Okay, thanks anyway," says the duck, and walks out.

The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open again, and the same duck walks in.

"Got any duck food?" he asks.

The clerk is a little annoyed. "No! We don't have any duck food!"

"Fine," says the duck and walks out.

The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks, "Got any duck food?"

By now the clerk so getting very annoyed. "No," he yells, "We don't have any duck food! We didn't have any yesterday, don't have any today and we wont have any tomorrow! And if you come in here again and ask if we have any duck food I'll nail your little web feet to the floor!!!"

All the duck does is turn and walk out the door.

On the fourth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in.

"Got any nails?" the duck asks.

"No, we don't got nails."

"Well then," the duck says, "got any duck food?"

You've got to pass this along to your oriental traveling buddies.

It's amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the conversation... Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). And it's okay to laugh out loud...

Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. This has been nominated for best e-mail of 1999.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...


Room Service (RS) : "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest (G)         : Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."
RS                : "Rye... Ruin sorbees... morny! Djewish to odor sunteen???"
G                 : "Uh... yes... I'd like som bacon and eggs."
RS                : "Ow July den?"
G                 : "What??"
RS                : "Ow July den?... pry, boy, pooch?"
G                 : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS                : "Ow July dee baychem... crease?"
G                 : "Crisp will be fine."
RS                : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G                 : "What?"
RS                : "San tos. July San tos?"
G                 : "I don't think so."
RS                : "No? Judo one toes?"
G                 : "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS                : "Toes! toes!... why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G                 : "English Muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS                : "We bother?"
G                 : "No... just put the bother on the side."
RS                : "Wad?"
G                 : "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."
RS                : "Copy?"
G                 : "Sorry?"
RS                : "Copy... tea... mill?"
G                 : "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS                : "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy... rye???"
G                 : "Whatever you say."
RS                : "Tendjewberrymud."
G                 : "You're welcome."


And now go back and read it again, I swear it's funnier the second time around.

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage... and after marriage.

Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border.

The French Customs agent stops them and tells them : "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the papers : this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the French customs agent.

"Quattro means 4!"

"Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!"

"He can't come. He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.

"Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.

"Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding around on a cow."

"Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle!"

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-storey hotel with a sign that reads : "For Women Only."

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads : "All the men on this floor are short and plain."

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads : "All the men here are short and handsome."

Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads : "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect : "All the men here are tall and handsome."

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads : "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

The person who wrote this sentence must have been a vocabulary GENIUS... Read the sentence below carefully...

"I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications' incomprehensibleness".

In this sentence the Nth word is N letters long. e.g. 3rd word is 3 letters long, 8th word is 8 letters long and so on!!

A Woman is a bundle of contradictions
She's afraid of a lizard, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her husband alone in the house.

She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse
She'll break open his head and then be his nurse.
But when he's well and can get out of bed.
She'll pick up the tea-pot and throw it at his head.

She'll call him a king and then make him a clown.
Raise him on a pedestal, then throw him flat down.
She'll run away from him and never come back
But if he runs away she'll be on his tracks

She is stronger than brandy,
milder than milk,
AT TIMES REVENGEFUL, MERRY AND SAD,
SHE HATES HIM LIKE POISON, BUT LOVES HIM LIKE MAD!


Never a truer word written..........

Do you think you can read? Try this tongue-twister!

Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends. See owned a saw and Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See saw Soar's seesaw, then See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. But See saw Soar and Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See's saw, so See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. It was a shame to let See see Soar so sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.

A man is driving down a road.

A woman is driving down going the opposite direction.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!"

The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve... he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.


......If only men would listen!

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you kiss him, you are easy.
If you don't, you are frigid.

If you praise him, he thinks you are fake.
If you don't, he thinks you are ungrateful.

If you agree to all his likes, you are submissive.
If you don't, you are queen-control-ing.

If you visit him often, he thinks you're desperate.
If you don't, he thinks you're not interested.

If you are well dressed, he says you are vain.
If you don't, you are a dog.

If you are jealous, he say's you're possessive.
If you're not, then he fools around.

If you attempt a romance, he say's you are cheap.
If you don't, he thinks you are cold.

If you are a minute late, he says you are fussy.
If he is late, he says you're impatient.

If you visit another man, you are fooling around.
If he is visited by another woman, "Oh we're just friends."

If you kiss him once in a while, he says you're too shy.
If you kiss him often, he says you're too forward.

If he fails to help you in crossing the street, he brings up the feminist movement.
If he does, he expects to be rewarded.

If you stare at another woman, he says you're jealous.
If he is stared by other men, boy, you're in big trouble.

If you talk, it's always too much.
If you listen, it's never enough.


In short :

So complex, yet so predictable
So macho, yet so sensitive (usually to their own feelings)
So confusing, yet so funny
but most of all,
So irritating, yet so irresistible

...MEN!

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
If you don't, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying.
If you don't, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are not understanding.

If you visit her often, she thinks you are boring.
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing.

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy.
If you don't, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says it's bad.
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her.
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait.
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.

If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time".
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls".

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold.
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics.
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction.

If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting.
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring.

If you talk, she wants you to listen.
If you listen, she wants you to talk.


In short :

So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful...

...Oh! WOMEN!!!