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* The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"
* You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair.
* It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets.
* You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.
* You can carry on a conversation with a dog's muzzle firmly in your crotch.
* You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a port-a-potty.
* You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.
* You keep at least one color-coded "drool towel" in every room of your house.
* After banishing your husband, the snoring in your bedroom still keeps you awake.
* You are hiking with a friend who later suggests that you ought to have an environmental impact statement done on your dog.
* Visitors enter the house holding their privates protectively.
* You toss your dog a ball and cringe when he almost hits his head on the top of the doorway.
* You take your dog for a ride and he rests his head on your arm, causing you to make random right turns.
* You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.
* Your two dogs decide to play in the house, and they end up pulling the ceiling fan down, for the second time.
* You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink.
* You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog.
* While stopped at a stop light, everyone stares as your car rocks back and forth because the dog is panting out the window.
* You go to vacuum your car and most of the fur is up there on the ceiling.
* You've learned to force a smile when asked, "Do you have a saddle for that thing?"
* The monthly dog budget exceeds your home mortgage payment.
* Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.
* You have had to train your dog not to lick dishes, and the dishes are in the sink.
* The donuts you put on top of the refrigerator are gone when you get home and your dog has powdered sugar on his nose.
* Your dog can see what you're cooking and he tries to assist you in the preparation.
* You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.
* The pizza delivery people tell you to meet them at the end of the sidewalk.
* Your dog stands in your lap and reaches over you to stick his head in the drive-through window at McDonalds and nearly gives the cashier a heart attack when she turns around to give you your change.
* You purchase a large screen TV and you still can't see the program when he stands in front of the television.
* After surgery, your bored pup decides to get up and cruise around the vet's office, pulling the rolling IV stand behind him.
* Dogs are honorable.
* Dogs are fiercely loyal.
* Dogs are regal and striking in appearance.
* Dogs are your best friend - unconditionally.
* Dogs protect their master, his family, and his home - to the death.
* Dogs are loving - they are warm and funny at all times.
* Dogs are faithful - till the end.
* Dogs have no attitude - they're always happy to be loved.
* Dogs are there for the long haul - once again - till death!
* Dogs have no ego and are perfect pets...
Conclusion : They're just like - well, MEN!
* Cats do what they want.
* They rarely listen to you.
* They're totally unpredictable.
* They whine when they are not happy.
* When you want to play, they want to be alone.
* When you want to be alone, they want to play.
* They expect you to cater for their every whim.
* They're moody.
* They leave hair everywhere.
* They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion : They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
The following breeds are now being considered for recognition by the AKC :
Dog Breeds that did not make it :
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Bloodhound + Borzoi
Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by... oh well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu
Bull Shih Tzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed
See me A.S.A.P. ---------------------------- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man --------------------------------- Dum Gai
Small Horse -------------------------------- Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? ------------------- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. -------------- Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift. --------------- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. -------------------- Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? -------------- Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution. -------- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet. -------------- Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. ------------------- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? ---- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. ------------------- Yu So Dum
I got this for free. ----------------------- Ai No Pei
Are you harbouring a fugitive? ------------- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
I am not guilty. --------------------------- Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. --------------- Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. --- Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived. ------------------------- Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. ------------------------- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. -------------- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. --------------- Yu Stin Ki Pu
Worth thinking about!
Some of this is what the Dalai Lama has to say on the millennium.
All it takes is few seconds to read and think over.
1. Give people more than they expect. Do so cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged to be married for at least six months.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly, think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say "Bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Follow the three 'R's :
Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone every day.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
The Facts of Life (according to me only, not necessarily anyone else) :
1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.
7. A truly wise man never plays leap-frog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. COROLLARY : If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. Paul's Law : You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal : Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
1) Wedge the cat under the neighbor's tire so they think they did it.
2) Paint a hexagram on their front lawn and put the cat in the middle so they think that crazy Satanist did it.
3) Throw the cat into your other neighbor's yard.
4) Put the cat in a tree. Call the fire department and let them try to explain it.
5) Drive over the rest of the cats in the neighborhood and claim that you're on a "Mission From God".
10. T-Shirt and Jeans Are Formal Dress
9. Considers "Posting to the Internet" a Social Life
8. Flames Like a Monster, Speaks Like a Pussy Cat
7. Works from 6:30 am to 7:30 pm Daily, No Morning Kisses, and No Evening Walks
6. No Matter How Hard You Cry and How Loud You Yell, Just Sits There Calmly Discussing Your Emotion in Terms of Mathematical Logic
5. Listens to Everything from Bach to Prince, Hates Classic Rock
4. Twinkie and a Jolt 6-Pack Is a Seven Course Meal
3. Talks in Acronyms (TIA)
2. Can't Leave that Damn Pencil Off Ear for One Minute
1. Will File for Divorce If You Call in the Middle of Debugging their C code
If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife".
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas.
If Dilbert is your hero.
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
If you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car.
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
If you window shop at Radio Shack.
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run...
If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
If you own "Official Star Trek" ANYTHING.
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
If you have never backed-up your hard drive.
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud.
If you truly believe aliens are living among us.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is".
If you see a good design and still have to change it.
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are.
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
If you have more toys than your kids.
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV.
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it.
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already.
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use.
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
If your checkbook always balances.
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
If you know what http:// stands for.
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
If your laptop computer costs more than your car.
If your 4 basic food groups are:
1. Caffeine,
2. Fat,
3. Sugar, and
4. Chocolate.
When your line to a prospective date is "Hi, what's your URL?"
If you use a spreadsheet to divide the bill at a restuarant.
If, you are the only person you know who's VCR clock does not flash 00.00.00.
If, you first teach your kid to count in binary.
If, instead of buying your kid a dog, you build him one.
If you wear black socks with white tennis shoes.
If you've played Dungeons and Dragons.
If you saw the latest Star Trek movie the day that it opened.
If your idea of a "good read" is the Edmund Scientific Catalog.
If your favorite actor is R2-D2.
If you have incorporated chips or disk platters into your office decor.
If you drive a Gremlin with a "Beam Me Up Scotty" bumper sticker.
If you have different pocket protectors for the days of the week.
If you have white tape or a paper clip holding your glasses together.
If, last Christmas, you got RAM in your stocking.
If you cried during the last episode of The Next Generation.
If you are secretly designing your own Holodeck.
If you have ever debated who was a better Captain, Kirk or Picard.
If your pulse quickened the first time you saw a Pentium Pro processor in person.
If you are playing an on-going interactive game over the Internet with someone in Guam.
If your favorite character on Gilligan's Island was "The Professor".
If you ever spent your milk money on a diode.
If you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.
If you have ever tuned in your neighbor's cordless phone on your scanner.
If you think Sales and Marketing are Satan's children.
If your excuse for not wearing a tie is that it will limit critical blood flow to your brain.
If choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
If you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
If in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
If the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
If at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
If you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
If you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
If you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
If you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
If you see a good design and still have to change it.
If you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
If your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
If you've already calculated how much you make per second.
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression". Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number", since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway", but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
18. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
19. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
20. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
21. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
22. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
23. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
24. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
25. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
26. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track pad.
27. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
28. You e-mail this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.
1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
2. You decide to re-organize your family into a "team-based organization".
3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
4. You can spell "paradigm".
5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
6. You understand your airline's fare structure.
7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don't know.
10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities".
12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt".
14. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line".
15. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing", and "firing people's asses".
16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
18. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost".
19. You refer to your significant other as "my Co-CEO".
20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
24. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
25. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
26. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.
27. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
28. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a white board and Internet connection.
29. You give constructive feedback to your dog.
An ANAGRAM, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.
The following examples are quite astounding!
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
This one's amazing : [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]
To be or not to be : that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
=
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
Politicians :
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Ronald Reagan = A darn long era
Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Right-winger Clone
Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer
The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty
And for the grand finale :
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil Armstrong
=
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"
-+- A Guide to Arab Democracies
-+- A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
-+- Career Opportunities for History Majors
-+- Contraception by Pope John Paul II
-+- Semper Fi: My Life as a Marine by Riddick Bowe
-+- Jack Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
-+- Easy UNIX
-+- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
-+- Everything Men Know About Women
-+- Bill Clinton's Guide to Ethics
-+- How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
-+- Guide to Dating Etiquette by Mike Tyson
-+- Mormon Divorce Lawyers
-+- One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
-+- Popular Lawyers
-+- Bob Dole: The Wild Years
-+- The Amish Phone Book
-+- How to Win Friends and Influence People by O. J. Simpson.
-+- Phone conversations last 30 seconds
-+- You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
-+- A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
-+- Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
-+- You can open all your own jars
-+- Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight
-+- When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
-+- You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
-+- You can go to the bathroom alone
-+- Your last name stays put
-+- You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
-+- You can kill your own food
-+- Chocolate is just another snack
-+- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
-+- You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me"
-+- One mood, all the time
-+- You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
-+- You never have to worry about other's feelings
-+- Flowers fix everything (or duct tape)
-+- Three pair of shoes are more than enough
-+- You can whip off your shirt on a hot day
-+- You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
-+- Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
-+- Same work........ more pay
-+- The garage is all yours
-+- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
-+- You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
-+- You never have to clean the toilet
-+- You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
-+- Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
-+- You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
-+- You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's
-+- If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
-+- Gray hair and wrinkles add character
-+- If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed
-+- Car mechanics tell you the truth
10. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
9. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
8. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time.
7. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
6. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
5. No warm blood for miles around DC.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies".
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
And the #1 complaint of Modern-day Vampires :
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest :
* Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
* It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
* Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
* Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.
* You Can Lead A Horse To Water But... How?
* Love All, Trust... Me.
* The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
* An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
* Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
* Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
* Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
* No News Is... Impossible.
* A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
* You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
* If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
* If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
* You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
* When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
* There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Edie.
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it himself.
6. It may be true He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When an experiment failed, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told His students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Though there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually were held on a mountaintop.
10) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
9) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
8) Doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
7) You can focus better with one eye closed.
6) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
5) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are
Caffeine,
Nicotine,
Alcohol,
and [Women or Men].
4) Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
3) That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
2) The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
And the number one sign that you are too drunk...
1) ...Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster... And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
16) If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr Right," if he
a) got older,
b) got a new job, or
c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.
The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17) No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18) When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
19) When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
20) Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21) Most women are introspective : "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?"
Most men are outrospective : "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22) If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23) Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Maybe... next year."
24) Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
25) Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
26) Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to flirt with young girls and drive motorcycles.
27) Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.
The Sun is too loud.
Trees begin chasing you.
You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
Things becomes "Very Clear".
You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
You and Reality file for divorce.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
You can skip without a rope.
It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
You can hear mimes.
You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of people you are talking to.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
-+- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you".
-+- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
-+- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
-+- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
-+- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
-+- "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
-+- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
-+- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
-+- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
-+- Garbage would take itself out.
-+- Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps".
-+- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
-+- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
-+- St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
-+- COPS would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
-+- Two words: Ally McNaked.
-+- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
-+- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
-+- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in :
Cop : "You know how fast you were going?"
You : "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop : "Nice one. That's $10 off."
-+- Faucets would run "Hot", "Cold", and "100 proof".
-+- The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
-+- Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
-+- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Hey I think it would make for a better world...
Sometimes men and women just can't communicate.
Well, for all the women reading this, here are the things we want to say :
-+- Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'It was on sale.'
-+- If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
-+- Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
-+- Please don't drive when you're not driving.
-+- Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punch line.
-+- If you want us to take out the garbage, you have to let us pack the car.
-+- The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave, he's just not crying. Big difference.
-+- When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do.
-+- When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'This is our exit' is not strictly necessary.
-+- When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
-+- SportsCenter starts at 11:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
-+- Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
-+- If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
-+- Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
-+- You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
-+- Silence does not need to be filled.
-+- It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.
-+- No, you can't have the remote control.
-+- And yes we love you more than anything even if we forget to say it.
-+- If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
-+- When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
-+- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
-+- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
-+- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
-+- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
-+- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
-+- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
-+- I prefer to remain an enigma.
-+- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
-+- My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son.
"Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
10) You put lipstick on your forehead because you want to makeup your mind.
9) Tripping over a cordless phone.
8) Taking a ruler to bed to see how long you slept.
7) Study for a drug test and fail.
6) Selling the car for gas money.
5) Driving to the airport and upon seeing a sign that said, "Airport left", you turn around and go home.
4) Get locked in Furniture Shop and sleep on the floor.
3) Ordering a pizza and getting it cut into 4 slices because you can't eat 8.
2) Holding hands tightly over ears trying to hold on to a thought.
And the number one sign that you are really stupid
1) Going to a sperm bank and asking for scenic checks.
We all know that the 2 biggest lies in the world are :
1) "The check is in the mail."
2) "I didn't do it."
Ann Landers asked her readers to come up with Number 3.
Here's a sampling of what they came up with :
-+- "It's good you came in today, we only have 2 more in stock!"
-+- "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed."
-+- "You don't look a day over 40."
-+- "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm and into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study."
-+- "It's delicious, really, but I can't eat another bite."
-+- "The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same."
-+- "The puppy won't be any trouble, Dad. I promise I'll take care of it myself. You won't have to do anything."
-+- "Your hair looks just fine."
-+- "Put away the map, I know exactly how to get there."
-+- "You don't need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee!"
30. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
29. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted".
28. You no longer own a real deck of cards because all your favorite card games [solitaire, spades, and hearts] are all played on your computer.
27. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
26. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
25. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
24. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back, "What's for dinner?"
23. Your friend's daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
The #1 sign you've had too much of the 90's :
1. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well : "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".
This is Pet Appreciation Week, a time to do something special for your pet, something they'll really appreciate, like:
* Bring your cat a dead bird.
* Make a concerted effort to learn to purr.
* Eat supper on the floor.
* Lick your dog in the face.
* Get your dog a bone and bury it for him.
* Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really awful.
1. Call her the next day.
2. Always laugh at her jokes.
3. Tell her (truthfully) that you can't wait to see her again.
4. Offer her a backrub, without asking for one in return.
5. Call her just to say you were thinking about her.
6. Bring her a teddy bear and chicken soup when she's sick.
7. Write her a poem.
8. Slow dance with her (not only on a dance floor).
9. Bring her flowers for no reason.
10. Send her a (handwritten) letter just to say hello.
11. Always remember your anniversaries and bring her something sweet.
12. Kiss her in the middle of a sentence.
13. Take her for a walk at sunset and stay to look up at the stars.
14. Tell her something about you that no one else knows.
15. Remind her that you still think she's beautiful.
16. Take a bubble bath (or shower) together.
17. Watch a sappy movie with her.
18. Surprise her with a candlelight dinner.
19. Never stop trying to impress her.
20. Tell her you love her.
21. Never forget how much she means to you.
22. Give her great big hugs and kisses for no reason.