btw ------- By the way
lol ------- Laughing out loud
rotfl ----- Rolling on the floor laughing
rotflol --- Rolling on the floor laughing out loud
imo ------- In my opinion
imho ------ In my humble opinion
      (note : most of the time the opinion following is not so humble)
imnsho ---- In my not so humble opinion
rl -------- Real life
irl ------- In real life
FAQ ------- Frequently asked questions
fyi ------- For your information
iirc ------ If I recall correctly
fwiw ------ For what it's worth
hth ------- Hope that helps
oic ------- Oh, I see!
hand ------ Have a nice day
      (note : if someone answers your query with "HTH", "HAND" at the end, they're usually being sarcastic)

:-)
Your basic smiley
This smiley is used to inflect a sarcastic or joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over e-mail.

;-)
Winky smiley
User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark. More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smiley.

:-(
Frowning smiley
User did not like that last statement or is upset or depressed about something.

:-I
Indifferent smiley
Better than a :-( but not quite as good as a :-)

:-
User just made a really biting sarcastic remark
Worse than a ;-)

:-
User just made a really devilish remark

;-
Winky and devil combined
A very lewd remark was just made

:-/
wry (sardonic, one-sided) smiley

:-0, :-D
laughing smiley

:-P
tongue out smiley

A vengeful technician named Schmitz
Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
He covered the platter
With bats' fecal matter.
Now it's seek time is really the pits.

All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer.
      -- IBM maintenance manual (1925)

Customer Service Rep (CS Rep.) : Can you install LOVE?

Customer                       : I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep                         : The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?

Customer                       : Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep                         : What programs are running ma'am?

Customer                       : Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep                         : No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer                       : I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep                         : My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer                       : Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep                         : Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer                       : Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep                         : Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Customer                       : Oops... I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep                         : What does the message say?

Customer                       : It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?

CS Rep                         : Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Customer                       : So what should I do?

CS Rep                         : Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer                       : Yes, I have it.

CS Rep                         : Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer                       : Thank you.

CS Rep                         : You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer                       : Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

CS Rep                         : Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer                       : Yes?

CS Rep                         : LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer                       : I will. Thank you for your help.

Start a download. Get a beer. Multitasking.

My computer's sick and I think my modem is a carrier.

"I bought an internal modem, but I can't swallow it."

Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.

FF Buckets of bits on the bus,
FF buckets of bits,
Take one down and short it to ground,
FE buckets of bits.

Shift to the left!
Shift to the right!
Pop up, Push down,
Byte Byte Byte!

One hundred hairy bugs in the code,
one hundred hairy bugs...
Fix one bug, compile it again, 101 hairy bugs.
Repeat until BUGS = 0.

Intel : putting the backward into backward compatible.

"When it comes to computers, when the going got weird the weird turned pro!"
      -- Bruce Sterling, closing speech, CFP '94

Customer     : "I'm running Windows '95."

Tech Support : "Yes."

Customer     : "My computer isn't working now."

Tech Support : "Yes, you said that."

How come, with all the advanced technology of the 23rd Century, the only screen saver they have on the U.S.S. Enterprise is the Starfield Simulator?

Did you hear about the new computer virus? It is the Hillary Clinton Virus... all of your files disappear and a year later... they just reappear and no fingerprints!

(I found this on the rec.games.computers.ultima-dragons newsgroup, posted by Henryk Bochman.) A recent poll on the Internet, asking the question "Do you know Ay-Oh-El?", gave the following results :
10% "no", 50% "yes" and 40% "me too".

july 18- i just tried to connect to america online, which i've heard is the best online service i can get. i can't connect, i dont know what is wrong.

july 19- some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. i don't see why. he's just trying to cheat me. how dumb does he think i am?

july 20- i bought the modem. i couldn't figure out where it goes. it wouldn't fit in the moniter or the printer. i'm confused.

july 21- i finally got the modem in and hooked up. that three year old next door did it for me.

july 22- that three year old kid next door hooked me up to america online for me. he's so smart.

july 23- what's the internet? i thought i was on america online, not this internet thingy. i'm confused.

july 24- the three year old kid next door showed me how to use this america online stuff. he must be a genius, at least compared to me.

july 25- i tried to use chat today. i tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe i need to buy a microphone.

july 26- i found this thingy called usenet. i got out of it because i'm connected to america online, not usenet. i went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. he says that since i connected to america online, my brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.

july 27- these people in this usenet thingy keep using capital letters. how do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

july 28- i found this thingy called the usenet oracle. it says that it can answer any questions i ask it. i asked it 44 seperate questions about the internet. i hope it responds soon.

july 29- i found a group called rec.humor. i decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. to get to the other side! ha ha! i wasn't sure if i posted it right so i posted it 56 more times.

july 30- i keep hearing about the world wide web. i didnt know spiders grew that large.

july 31- the oracle responded to my questions today. geez, it was rude. i was so angry that i posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. i wasn't sure if it posted right so i posted it 22 more times.

august 1- someone told me to read the faq. geez, they didn't have to use profanity.

august 2- i just read this post called make money fast. im so exited, im going to make lots of money. i followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.

august 3- i just made my signature file. its only 6 pages long, so i will have to work on it some more.

august 4- i just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. i read a few posts and i really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. i wonder what an "aol" is, however.

august 5- i was asking where to find some information about something. some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. ive looked and looked, but i cant find that group.

august 6- some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. i told him i don't have an account at his bank. hes so dumb.

(smirk) The other day I went into the library office at my school to borrow a three-hole puncher to punch holes in a document that I was going to store in a three ringed binder. I am a known computer geek at my school, and people normally give me a hard time whenever it comes to obtaining access to equipment such as computers, lab equipment, etc... The Librarians in particular mistrust me with their card catalog computers, and other manifestations of high technology in our library. In keeping with this philosophy my request for the hole puncher warrented the following dialog.

Me        : Can I borrow your three-hole puncher for a minute?
Librarian : (Instantly suspicious) What do you want it for?
Me        : That, combined with Dangerous Knowledge acquired on the internet will allow me to build a bomb and blow up the school.

The librarian just sighed and handed me the puncher.

There it is again. Some clueless fool talking about the "Information Superhighway." They don't know didley about the net. It's nothing like a superhighway. That's a rotten metaphor.

Suppose the metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose the highways were like the net...

A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for potholes. Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member vigilante posses with nuclear weapons. A minimum of 237 on ramps at every intersection. No signs. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions. Ad hoc traffic laws. Some lanes would vote to make use by a single-occupant-vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for talking on a car phone.

AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking bus with hundreds of ebola victims on board throwing dead wombats and rotten cabbage at the other cars, most of which have been assembled at home from kits. Some are built around 2.5 horsepower lawnmower engines with a top speed of nine miles an hour. Others burn nitrogylcerin and idle at 120.

No license plates. World War II bomber nose art instead. Terrifying paintings of huge teeth or vampire eagles. Bumper mounted machine guns. Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a white phosphorus grenade up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks cruise around with anti-aircraft missile batteries to shoot down the traffic helicopter. Little kids on tricycles with squirtguns filled with hydrochloric acid switch lanes without warning.

NO OFFRAMPS. None.

Now that's the way to run an Interstate Highway system.

Hello.

Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?

Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help. We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.

We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you :
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at : 1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORSWEETJESUSSAKE.

We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.

Call us today.
If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.

1. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

2. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

3. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.

4. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.

5. Your family always knows where you are.

6. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

7. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

A lot has changed since I was in high school. There are new additions. I'm going to Internet Anyonmous. We have a "virtual" 12 step program. We pick up the telephone and all talk to each other.

1. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

2. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

3. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

4. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

5. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

6. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com".

7. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

8. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

9. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

10. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

11. When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

12. Your dog has its own home page.

13. You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

14. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

15. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

16. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

17. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

18. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.

19. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

20. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.

21. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

22. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

23. You get a tattoo that says "This body profile best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."

24. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

25. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

26. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

27. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

28. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

29. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom, or they all have names composed of eight or more characters including at least one numeral.

30. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

31. You don't think that any of these are funny.

32. You have your telephone bill delivered in a box.

34. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

35. Your computer goes down, you haven't logged on for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect. You succeed.

36. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

Overheard in a computer shop :

Customer    : "I'd like a mouse mat, please.

Salesperson : "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.

Customer    : "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

Customer in computer shop : "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."

The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

Tech Support : "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program manager."

Customer     : "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support : "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer     : "What do you mean?"

Tech Support : "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer     : "I'm not going to do that!"

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this :

Customer : "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

Customer     : "So that'll get me connected to the Internet?"

Tech Support : "Yeah."

Customer     : "And that's the latest version of the Internet?"

Tech Support : "Uhh... uh... uh... yeah."

Tech Support : "All right... now double-click on the File Manager icon."

Customer     : "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support : "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-"

Customer     : "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support : "Well... why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet... is 'little picture' OK?"

Customer     : (click)

Customer     : "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support : "It crashed?"

Customer     : "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

Tech Support : "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer     : "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."

Tech Support : "Huh?"

Customer     : "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."

Tech Support : "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

Customer     : [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

"Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems : the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer.

As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own.

Problem solved."

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Geeks? Yeah, you bet.

The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.

My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.

To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!

More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, My Mac called them by name:

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!

"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM,
Then into my room rose a full hologram!

He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!

His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a SIMM,
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!

He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screen saver with a red clucking chicken!

My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.

Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.

But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"


Submitted By : Anonymous

You know when you've been in cyberspace too long when, you forget your friends real mailing address and ask him for the URL instead.

Recently the following undocumented error-codes were found. Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the internet :

DOS Error #01 : Windows loading, come back tomorrow

DOS Error #02 : Windows loaded. System in danger.

DOS Error #03 : Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance

DOS Error #04 : Out of disk space. Delete Windows? (Y)es (H)ell yes!

Windows Error #001 : Windows loaded - System in danger

Windows Error #002 : No error... ...yet.

Windows Error #003 : Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file

Windows Error #004 : Erronious error - Nothing is wrong

Windows Error #005 : Multitasking attempted. System confused.

Windows Error #006 : Malicious error - Desqview found on drive

Windows Error #007 : System price error - Insufficient money spent on hardware

Windows Error #008 : Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments

Windows Error #009 : Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened

Windows Error #00A : Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full

Windows Error #00B : Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB

Windows Error #00C : Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!

Windows Error #00D : Window closed - Do not look outside

Windows Error #00E : Window open - Do not look inside

Windows Error #00F : Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened

Windows Error #010 : Reserved for future mistakes by our developers

Windows Error #011 : Window open - Do not look outside

Windows Error #012 : Window closed - Do not look inside

Windows Error #013 : Unexpected error - Huh?

Windows Error #014 : Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.

Windows Error #018 : Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.

Windows Error #019 : User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

Windows Error #01A : Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.

Windows Error #01B : Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.

Windows Error #01C : Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.

Windows Error #01D : System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.

Windows Error #01E : Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

Windows Error #01F : Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.

Windows Error #020 : Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.

Windows Error #042 : Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.

Windows Error #079 : Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.

Windows Error #103 : Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.

Windows Error #678 : This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

Windows Error #683 : Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.

Windows Error #815 : Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available

Windows Error #948 : Nonexistent error. This cannot really be happening.

Windows Error #1080 : Unable to exit windows. Try the door.

Windows Error #1213 : Door locked. Try control-alt-delete

Windows Error #1345 : Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think of.

Windows Error #1478 : Game Over. Exiting Windows.

1. Your System Administrator complains that your kill file(s) has maxed out the file system, and is there any way to archive it?

2. You still haven't changed all those .arpa addresses in your address book of old friends.

3. Your news feed is from Australia because they are the only ones who still provide net-news via dial-up uucp.

4. You are still planning a transition to NCP on 64K leased-line because you're not sure this TCP thing will last.

5. You spend 100 hours porting NNTP to your Sun 100U. Who's bright idea was it to change the function definition syntax in C, anyway?

6. Your old e-mail buddys' children send you more e-mail then your old e-mail buddys.

7. You finally switch to pine, but it invokes ed, not pico.

8. Your postings consist entirely of abbreviations.

9. You've mastered every form of Internet Rhetoric :
   You disagree with me and you said so, so you're trying to censor me, therefore you are a Nazi.
   I am standing up for a right and you disagree with me, so you are anti-rights, and therefore a Nazi.
   I am an agreeable person and you are disagreeing with me, so you are a disagreeable person with the personality of Hitler and therefore a Nazi.

10. You feel that the Golden age of the net ended with one of :
    Introduction of the .com domain or CIX
    Introduction of CsNet
    Dismantlement of CsNet
    Windows-based news readers & SMTP
    moscvax

11. You understand all of the above 10.

10. Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.

9. "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment, declare internet lawyers Canter & Siegel.

8. Home shopping "network".

7. Netrek corporate sponsorships.
   Out : Orion, Pollux, Klingus.
   In  : Planet Bud, Toyota Prime, Intelworld.

6. Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.

5. Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".

4. Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.

3. Gameboy web browsers.

2. Tipper Gore cancelbot unleashed onto the net.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE :

1. Two words : "Microsoft Network".

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-)

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track pad.

30. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

31. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being Female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!").

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced That computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow :

5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow :

5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.

3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.

2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.

1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

We are starting the year 5759 on the Jewish calendar (which can only be purchased wholesale, mind you).

5759. That's a LOT of years. Just looking at that number makes me think that we need to go all over the world and round up all of the most learned Jewish historians (wow, THIS is bound to make them nervous), and ask them that ONE IMPORTANT QUESTION that is burning at the forefront of nearly every computer programmer's mind :

"So, how did YOU guys deal with the Y2K problem?"

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

WWW - World Wide Wait

COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

CD-ROM - Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code

SCSI - System Can't See It

DOS - Defective Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

DEC - Do Expect Cuts

It's hard to believe that certain people survive to adulthood!!! I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Lorena Bobbit Virus
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

The Paul Revere Virus
This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:\

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

Joey Buttafuaco Virus
Only attacks minor files.

Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.

Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive's FAT.

Oprah Winfrey virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Beaurocrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Airline Virus
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.

LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

The Public Television Virus
It stops every few minutes and asks for money.

The Medicare Virus
It tests your system for a full day, finds nothing wrong then sends the government a bill for $4,800.

The Kivorkian Virus
It shuts down your computer as an act of mercy.

The Right To Life Virus
It won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

The Elvis Virus
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs only to reappear at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

John Bobbit Virus
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it (But that part will never work again).

New World Order Virus
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Star Trek Virus
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care Virus
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for 4,500 bucks.

Chicago Cubs Virus
Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

Oral Roberts Virus
Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.

Canada Post Virus
It would have infected you if it hadn't gotten lost transferring to your hard disk.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee :


"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"...Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"...Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"...Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power outage!? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

7:00 - Wake up. Decide to do some really path-breaking work today.

9:00 - Reach office. Sign in. Switch on terminal.

9:05 - Check mail.

9:15 - Start replying to accumulated mail. "I really hate being popular."

9:40 - Send mail to occupant of next to next cubicle. "Taking in the new movie tonight?"

9:45 - Log into CyberSpace / M-Net / whatever.

9:50 - Start searching. There must be some girls logged in.

10:05 - Ask a girl for a date.

10:10 - Refusal!!! Heartbroken.

10:20 - Recover equilibrium. Search for coffee. Anybody going to cafetaria?

10:50 - Back at desk. Decide to really start working now.

11:00 - Realize that the required manual is in the library. Will have to withdraw it.

11:15 - The spare library card was here somewhere. Where is it?

11:30 - Give up on library card search as a bad job. Of course I can do the stuff without the manuals.

12:45 - Something written. Should get compiled.

12:46 - How can 40 lines of code give 283 lines of error? Must be some typographical mistake. Will check it after lunch.

13:15 - The food was really good today. Why don't they make this item a regular feature?

13:20 - That was a really bright idea. Send a general mail to campaign for inclusion of this item everyday for lunch.

13:59 - Did not include windows.h in the code. Now it should compile.

14:00 - It compiled in one shot. God, I'm a genius!

14:01 - RUN.

14:01:01 - GPF.

14:02 - Stunned. What is the world coming to these days?

14:05 - OK. Now the hard part comes. Do I debug the code or filch somebody else's library card?

14:06 - Looked over the cubicle. Chap in next cubicle has almost completed his module. Homicidial thoughts.

14:15 - No, I should really do something about it. Start debugging the code.

17:45 - Continuous GPFs. It would have been easier to kill the chap.

17:50 - Take a break. Recurrent daydream : "Why are blonde girls so pretty?"

18:05 - Start Netsurfing. Search for Sharon Stone.

18:15 - Found the location. Start downloading the pictures.

18:20 - No space. Save it in the server?

18:21 - Do I dare to do it? OK, what the hell, DO IT!!!

18:35 - Start experimenting with fonts, cursors and prompts. God, I was really made for this stuff!

19:25 - Where is everybody? Finger!

19:30 - Time to pack up and go to the movie.

23:50 - Back from the movie. Consider today a day well spent. Long live the I.T. industry.

0:00 - Turn in for the night. Resolve to do some really path-breaking work tomorrow.

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0.
- A 'Don't remind me again' button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.

Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.

To make matters worse, The uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks - all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "Run".

If you needed a break from life, click on "Suspend".

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life, click "Start", "Settings", and "Control Panel".

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you lose your car keys, click "Find".

"Help" with chores is just a click away.

Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would just use your diskette to recover from a crash.

And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to YOU...

When you make a bad decision, just click "Edit", "Undo".

"Hey, I just heard you can download the entire Tyson-Holyfield fight from the Internet," one boxing fan mentioned to another.

"Really?" said the other man. "How much memory does it take up?"

"Very little," replied the first man. "Just two bytes."

Q : What's new in WIN98?
A : You'll get blue screen even on a monochrome monitor.