A real computer scientist will dedicate months of patient effort to reduce the asymptotic time of an algorithm from n log log n to n log log log n and never implement it.

A real programmer come up with the n log log log n solution while eating cold pizza in the morning and then implements an n^2 solution anyway.

A real software engineer derives the n log log log n solution using the formal specification and then discards it as an implementation detail.

A real user doesn't even understand what a n log log log n solution means.

10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip

7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

1. There are little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

BACKUP ---------- What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE -------- Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG ------------- The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE ------------ What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE ----------- Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP ------------ Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL -------- Time to call the undertaker
CRASH ----------- When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL --------- The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE -------- Female Disco dancer
FAX ------------- What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER ---------- Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY -------- Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET -------- Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD -------- Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC ------------- Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ ------- How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM ----------- What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD ------- Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK --------- Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE ---------- Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM ------------- Where the pope lives
SCREEN ---------- Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT ----- A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR -- Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI ------------ What you call your week-old underwear

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the New South African edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside South Africa. If you have one of the New South African editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The New South African edition may be recognised by looking at the opening screen. It reads "E WINDOWS 98" with a background picture of a Mageu bottle superimposed on a Orlando Pirates flag. It is shipped with a Black Label screen saver.

samblief = OK
Aikona = Cancel
auk! mistake! = Undo
aikona, not mistake! = Redo
Ekke ek bere hom = Save
Ekke ek soek hom = Find
ah dunno = Help
stat = Start Settings = (pre-set on this edition)
hamba = Run
my thieengs = Personal folder
Chaila = Shut Down

MS Wed = a word processor
Calculata = calculator
Scratch peppa = notepad
Jive Box = CD player
I Explora = Microsoft Internet Explorer
Piktchas = a graphics viewer
Stockvel = M/S accounting software
Shebeen = Shortcut to a website with a list of local off-sales and their prices.
Black Label tax records = usually an empty file
Fafi = game replacing Solitaire

Also note :

The Recycle Bin is labelled Dustbin.
Control Panel is known as Don' touch dees buttons!

We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the New South African edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Sing to tune of "The Beverly Hillbilly's"

New words - old song

Come listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Windows, that is... PC's... Internet...

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he packed up his disks and moved to Silicon Valley...
Intel, that is... Pentium... big amusement park...

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him lots of donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... unpaid... no personal days...

The weeks rolled by and things were looking pretty bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him 66!"
Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...

Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...

Y'all come back now... ya hear'

At a recent computer expo (Comdex), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated :

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."


In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating :

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics :

* For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

* Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart and drive on.

* Occasionally, too, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.

* Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would have to buy more seats.

* Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and easy to drive but would only run on 5% of the roads.

* The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single, "general car default" warning light.

* New seats would force everyone to have the same sized bottom.

* The air bag system would say... "Are you sure?" before going off.

* Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

* GM would require all car buyers to purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally (now a GM subsidiary), road maps, even though they neither needed or wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
  Further, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

* Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

* You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise-pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust.

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like http://www.home.com

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Here is some C Programming language structure definitions of women.


struct female_professionals
   {
      double styles;
      short skirts;
      long time_to_understand_problems;
      float mind;
      void knowledge;
      char non_co-operative;
   }

struct married_females
   {
      double weight;
      short tempered;
      long gossip;
      float hopes;
      void word;
      char unstable;
   }

struct engaged_females
   {
      double time_on_phone;
      short attention_on_work;
      long boast;
      float on_cloud_nine;
      void understanding;
      char edgy;
   }

struct newly_married_females
   {
      double dinner_invitation;
      short time_at_work;
      long lunch_break;
      void bank_balance;
      char hen_pecked;
   }

struct husband_wife_professionals
   {
      double income;
      short tempered;
      long time_no_see_each_other;
      void love_life;
      char money_making;
   }

struct beautiful_city_girl
   {
      double boyfriends;
      short affairs;
      long stories;
      void greymatter;
      char flirt;
   }

struct old_lady
   {
      double chin ;
      short memory;
      long sighs ;
      void attention_from_men;
      char chatterbox;
   }

This is the consequence to marrying someone who's in IT line.

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.

Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."

Wife    : Have you brought the grocery?

Husband : Bad command or filename.

Wife    : But I told you in the morning.

Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife    : What about my new TV?

Husband : Variable not found...

Wife    : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.

Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied...

Wife    : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?

Husband : Too many parameters...

Wife    : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife    : You are a useless nut.

Husband : By Default

Wife    : What about your Salary?

Husband : File in use... Try after some time.

Wife    : Who was in the car this morning?

Husband : System is unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot.

Wife    : Are you going to drink some wine?

Husband : File system is full.

Wife    : What is my value in the family?

Husband : Unknown Virus.

A computer was something on T.V.
from a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
and ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a T.V. show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3" floppy
you hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for awhile

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened in your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web site was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!