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1) India has no right to protect itself.
2) By making 9,000 to 10,000 nuclear weapons, US is committed to World Peace while by making five test blasts India is destroying world peace.
3) By stopping new tests to make nuclear bombs rather than by destroying the present nuclear weapons would bring peace to the world.
4) All people in the world are equal. But Americans are more equal than others. That's why they can still keep nuclear weapons while others should not develop them.
5) Suppose, tomorrow in New York City, people start carrying guns with them and threaten to shoot other people, the only way to bring peace is to ask people not to buy new guns rather than taking steps to disarm the people who already have them.
6) US's National security is more important than India's national security. That's why US developed nuclear weapons when it felt a threat from Russia but India should not do it as its National security is not so important.
7) US made the bombs because it was threatened by a nation across the Pacific. But India is not threatened by China or Pakistan as it already has a land border between them.
8) Chinese are by far more friendly and peace-loving people than Russians are. History proves it.
9) Himalayas is a strong enough barrier for India to fend off any nuclear attack it may have from China.
10) Right of self protection is only for the rich nations.
11) India has still not developed enough relations with US congressmen that would entitle them to declare the nuclear blasts just sad and unfortunate events as in case of France (1996).
12) India is over populated with 900 million people. It would be good if some of them die in a war with China. Indian government should not try to protect them by increasing their military strength.
13) India is a nation made by Mahatma Gandhi. All Indians should fast and die before China could throw an atom bomb over them and kill them rather than to develop nuke to protect themselves.
14) Western nations have made billions selling arms to the world. Selling arms is a peaceful business while testing nuclear weapons for national security is an act of hostility.
15) God has told US to keep its nuclear arsenal for ever while asking other nations to destroy theirs or not to make.
16) India doesn't understand why the US has to keep its own nuclear arms.
ADD YOUR REASONS!!!
(I FOUND THIS AMONG MY ARCHIVES AND IT IS ATLEAST ONE AND A HALF YEARS OLD AT THE TIME OF PUTTING IT UP. WHICH MEANS THIS INFORMATION WAS COLLECTED SOMETIME BEFORE 1st JANUARY 1999. EVEN THEN, IT MAKES FOR INTERESTING READING.)
- WebMaster
Here are some numbers to chew on.
A closer look shows significant Asian Indian populations residing in the following metropolitan areas working in software Industries.
Boston-Lawrence-Salem, MA 1,549
Dallas, Ft. Worth, TX 1,831
Detroit-Ann Arbor, MI 1,509
Philadelphia-Wilmington-Trenton 2,120
Houston-Galveston-Brazoria, TX 2,559
San Francisco-Oakland-San Jose, CA 3,533
Chicago-Gary-Lake Country, IL 5,046
Los Angeles-Anaheim-Riverside, CA 6,887
New York-Northern New Jersey-Long Island, NY 19,010
Census data shows
Analysis of data developed by the Census Bureau shows that there are currently more than 1 million Asian Indians in America software industries. Between 1980 and 1990, the community grew by 125.6 percent. More than 5,000 Asian Indians currently are members at Microsoft Corporation. About 25 percent of all small Information Technologies Firms in America are owned by Indian-Americans. 62 per cent of Indians had an advanced Software Knowledge, more than any other group.
With a mean family income of $59,777, the highest of any Asian group in America, and with an average per capita income that is more than 25 percent higher than the national average and second only to Japanese Americans among all ethnic groups.
87.5 percent of Asian Indians in America have completed the high level systems Programming 12.5 percent having some Hardware knowledge. More than 28 percent hold P.H.D or higher degrees, which is the highest percentage among IT Groups all Asian-American ethnic groups.
14 percent of Asian Americans in America are engaged in work related Applications Softwares like SAP, People Soft, BAAN, Man Man, Oracle Financials. 19.3 percent can be found in Testing positions. Study says that in the IT Industries 62.711 Percent of the Asian-Americans belongs from Andhra Pradesh.
Ratings are given below :
ANDHRA PRADESH : 62.711 %
KARNATAKA : 12.9 %
MADRAS : 8.4 %
MAHARASTRA : 6.1 %
DELHI : 3.4 %
CALCUTTA : 1.4 %
UTTAR PRADESH : 1.2 %
MADHYA PRADESH : 0.8 %
RAJASTAN : 0.73 %
HARYANA : 0.56 %
PUNJAB : 0.43 %
HIMACHAL PRADESH : 0.39 %
BIHAR : 0.23 %
ORISSA : 0.18 %
CHANDIGHAR : 0.12 %
ARUNACHAL PRADESH : 0.11 %
GUJRAT : 0.10 %
SIKKIM : 0.09 %
WEST BENGAL : 0.07 %
GOA : 0.04 %
KERALA : 0.039 %
Research From the
RAMAN MISHRA FROM M.I.T
P.H.D (Population and Culture Growth)
Even this is rated correct from the Indian council of America
If you need more information contact :
K.V. Rao, Ph. D.
Director
Founder and President, India Network Foundation
P.O. Box 556
Bowling Green, OH 43402
USA
Tel: 419- 352 9335
Fax: 419- 352 9335
e-mail: kvrao@indnet.org
World Wide web: http://www.indnet.org
10. MR COFFEE VIRUS -
Reduces operating speed substantially... claims that real pleasure does not come in an instant.
9. SURF VIRUS -
Hides all your data... and keep's saying "Data Dhoondte Reh Jaoge!"
8. AMITABH BACHCHAN VIRUS -
Makes your computer think it is brand new and attempts to sell itself to the user... endorses BPL products on the screen saver.
7. BAL THACKEREY VIRUS -
Renames all applications after it's relatives.
6. BJP VIRUS -
Allows user to run only Swadeshi Programs.
5. MANEKA GANDHI VIRUS -
Allows only vegetarian users to access the machine. Non vegetarians may log in only as animals.
4. SESHAN VIRUS -
Obstructs the operating system claiming that user environment is not friendly for free & fair operations.
3. KPS GILL VIRUS -
Tries to pinch the user's bottom as soon as the user's back is turned.
2. SUKHRAM VIRUS -
Invades through telephone network and attacks your PC. Tranfers all your money from your account to a modest 'palatial' house in Mandi!!!
1. P.V. NARASIMHA RAO VIRUS -
Corrupts the entire system, but claims innocence when detected.
GABBAR : Kittnay bug thay?
KALIA : Do sardaar.
GABBAR : Woh do! Aur tum teen. Phir bhee fix nahin kar sake? Kya soch kay aaye thay? Sardar khus hoga. Naya assignment dega, kyoon? Overtime cut hey.....
[Snatches a X terminal from a SIDEY]
Kitne session hain is machine mein?
SIDEY : Chhay sardar.
GABBAR : Session chhay aur programmer teen. Bahoot nainsaafi hai.
[logout.. logout.. logout...]
Haan.. ab theek hai... Ab hum operating system switch karega. Ab konse session me konsi operating system hein hume nahi pata. humko kuch nahi pata..... Jab yahase hazaro hazaro mil dur job per programmer internet se file download karta hein, to boss kaheta he ke log out ho ja nahi to gabbar ka virus aa jayega. Aur tum teen programmer ne gabbar ki company ka stock pura mittime mila diya.
Iski saja milegi.. Zarooor milegi!
Tera kyaa hoga kaalia?
KAALIA : Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha hai.
GABBAR : To aab documentation likh...
Q : Why do Indian women wear red dots on their foreheads?
A : Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot.
In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives.
You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target...
Q : You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?
A : Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem.....
Q : Does India have cars?
A : No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.
Q : Does India have TV?
A : No. We only have cable.
Q : Are all Indians vegetarian?
A : Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.
Q : How come you speak English so well?
A : You see when the British were ruling India, they employed Indians as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born speaking English.
Q : Are you a Hindi?
A : Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.
Q : Do you speak Hindu?
A : Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.
Q : Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A : Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.
Q : India is very hot, isn't it?
A : It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.
Q : Are there any business companies in India?
A : No. All Indians live on the Gandhian principles of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is a lot of hard work.
Q : Indians cannot eat beef, huh?
A : Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.
Q : India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?
A : Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there.
Q : I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A : We don't have shoes. So we burn the bottom of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk.
Q : Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A : I prefer it to coming naked.
Q : How do you celebrate Thanksgiving in India?
A : By roasting an American....
HEAVEN IS WHEN YOU HAVE :
AN AMERICAN SALARY
A BRITISH HOME
CHINESE FOOD
AN INDIAN WIFE
HELL IS WHEN YOU HAVE :
AN AMERICAN WIFE
BRITISH FOOD
CHINESE HOME
AN INDIAN SALARY
Why all Indians have been so successful in US???
It is because of the business sense demonstrated below...
An Indian fellow walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $ 5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Indian fellow replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks???"
In the corridor of a government office was a sign board reading, "Don't make a noise."
Some added the following words : "Otherwise we may wake up."
These are some anecdotes taken from Khushwant Singh's collection of Jokes.
Signs outside a tutorial school in Meerut Cantonment :
"Expert Kotching in English given here."
Notice in a DTC bus :
"Eve teasing is an offence. Passengers are requested to cooperate."
Outside a Department store in Connaught Place :
"Please note that we shall not be responsible for any rotten stuff unless it bears our label."
A Store advertising a new brand of cold-cough syrup :
"Got a Cold? Try our Cough drops. We guarantee you'll never get better."
Sign outside a Theka (Liquor vendor shop) in Meerut in Hindi :
"If you drink to forget everything, kindly pay us in advance."
On the rear window of a car (Enroute to Dehradun from Meerut) :
Always drive in such a way that your license expires before you do."
The following item was extracted from travel section of a UK daily newspaper.
Travelling in India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable - and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous.
Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English.
ARTICLE I
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.
ARTICLE II
Indian traffic, like Indian society, is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to : cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.
ARTICLE III
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim : to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat.
This is the Indian drivers' mantra.
ARTICLE IV
Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, i.e. to oncoming truck, "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die".
In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).
Single blast (casual) means "I have seen someone out of India's 870 million whom I recognise", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."
Trucks and buses (IV,2,a) : All horn signals have the same meaning, viz, "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasised by the use of headlamps (insouciant).
Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above.
ARTICLE V
All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.
ARTICLE VI
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.
ARTICLE VII
Rights of way : Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle.
Lane discipline (VII,1) : All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of Roundabouts : India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.
ARTICLE IX
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing - and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.
ARTICLE X
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.
ARTICLE XI
Reversing : no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.
ARTICLE XII
The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker.
Can you guess which organization this is?
It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics.
If you want to be a part of this organisation please check if you have one or more of the following credentials before sending in your CV.
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is?
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Give up?
It's the 540 members of The Indian Parliament.
The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
YOU SAY THAT OUR GOVERNMENT IS INEFFICIENT. YOU SAY THAT OUR LAWS ARE TOO OLD.
YOU say that the municipality does not pick up the garbage. YOU say that the phones don't work, the railways are a joke, the airline is the worst in the world, mails never reach. YOU say that our country has been fed to the dogs and is the absolute pits.
YOU say, say and say. What do YOU do about it? Take a person on his way to Singapore. Give him a name - YOURS. Give him a face - YOURS. You walk out of Sahara airport and you are at your International best. In Singapore you don't throw cigarette butts on the roads or eat in the stores. YOU are as proud of their Underground Links as they are. You pay $5 approx. Rs.60) to drive through Orchard road (equivalent of Mahim Causeway or Pedder Road) between 5 pm and 8 pm. You come back to the parking lot to punch your parking ticket if you have overstayed in a restaurant or a shopping mall irrespective of your status & identity.
In Singapore you don't say anything. You DO.
In Dubai you wouldn't dare to eat in public during Ramzan. In Jeddah you would not dare to go out without your head covered. In London you would not dare to buy an employee of the telephone exchange at 10 pounds (Rs. 300) a month to, "see to it that my STD and ISD calls are billed to someone else." In Washington you would not dare to speed and then tell the traffic cop, "Jaanta hai sala main kaun hoon. I am so and so's son. Take your two bucks and get lost." On the beaches of Australia and New Zealand you wouldn't chuck an empty coconut shell anywhere other than the garbage pail. Why do not you spit Paan on the streets of Tokyo?
Why don't you buy up the police as well as the secret police to hush up rape, murder or crime in Munich? Why are you giving sincerely written and driving test after getting International driving License in USA? Why don't you use examination jockeys or buy fake certificates in Boston? We are still talking of the same YOU. You who can respect and confirm to a foreign system in other countries but cannot in your own. You who will throw papers and cigarettes on the road the moment you touch Indian ground.
If you can be an involved and appreciative citizen in an alien country why can not you be the same here in India.
Once in an interview, the famous ex-Municipal Commissioner of Bombay, Mr. Tinaikar had a point to make. "Rich people's dogs are walked on the streets to leave their affluent droppings all over the place," he said.
"And then the same people turn around to criticize and blame the authorities for inefficiency and dirty pavements. What do they expect the officers to do? Go down with a broom every time their dog feels the pressure in his bowels? In America every dog owner has to clean up after his pet has done the job. Same in Japan. Will the Indian citizen do that here?" He's right. We go to the polls to choose a government and after that forfeit all responsibility. We sit back wanting to be pampered and expect the government to do everything for us whilst our contribution is totally negative.
We expect the government to clean up but we are not going to stop chucking garbage all over the place nor are we going to stoop to pick up a stray piece of paper and throw it in the bin. We expect the railways to provide clean bathrooms but we are not going to learn the proper use of bathrooms.
We want Indian Airlines and Air India to provide the best of food and toiletries but we are not going to stop pilfering at the least opportunity. This applies even to the staff who are known not to pass on the service to the public.
When it comes to burning social issues like those related to women, dowry, girl child, we make loud drawing room protestations and continue to do the reverse at home. Our excuse? "It's the whole system which has to change, how will it matter if I alone forego my sons' rights to a dowry."
So who's going to change the system? What does a system consist of? Very conveniently for us it consists of our neighbours, other households, other cities, other communities and the government. But definitely not me and YOU. When it comes to us actually making a positive contribution to the system we lock ourselves along with our families into a safe cocoon and look into the distance at countries far away and wait for a Mr. Clean to come along work miracles for us with a majestic sweep of his hand.
Or we leave the country and run away. Like lazy cowards hounded by our fears we run to America to bask in their glory and praise their system.
When New York becomes insecure we run to England. When England experiences unemployment, we take the next flight out to the Gulf. When the Gulf is war struck, we demand to be rescued and brought home by the Indian government. After a six-month holiday during which derogatory comments about India and Indians are made and sheepishly accepted, we are ready to leave for Australia because their old age benefits and pension schemes are very lucrative. Bribery, tax evasion, unlicensed business, unethical practices, etc. has not reached the same dimensions anywhere as it has in India, thanks to each citizens sense of involvement with the country. Everybody is out to abuse and rape the country. Nobody thinks of feeding the system. Our conscience is mortgaged to money.
Dear all,
The article is highly thought inductive, calls for a great deal of introspection and pricks one's conscience too... I am echoing J. F. Kennedy's words to his fellow Americans... "ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR AMERICA AND NOT WHAT AMERICA CAN DO FOR YOU." Why can't we say, "ASK WHAT WE CAN DO FOR INDIA AND NOT WHAT INDIA CAN DO FOR US."
Those who want to perfect their driving technique should go to India. A friend of mine, Frank Anshen, went to a linguistics conference in New Delhi and took a taxi from the airport. As in New York City, Indian taxi drivers are normally Sikhs, who wear a large turban.
As they were driving from the airport, the taxi driver kept his head turned to the back seat while carrying on a running conversation with his passenger. Meanwhile, Frank's knuckles were turning white from gripping the seat and the door handle, as they careened around winding mountain roads and stormed through villages with cows, chickens, and people scattering in all directions.
At one point, the driver said, "We Sikhs are the best drivers in the world."
"Do you know why," he asked, "we Sikhs are the best drivers in the world?"
"N-n-no," Frank stammered, "Why are Sikhs the best drivers in the world."
"Because," the driver answered, "we Sikhs are not afraid to die!"
HERE IS A GEM OF A SPEECH I WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU -
A schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on Independence Day.
Here's his dynamite speech :
Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children,
"This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason.
Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leaders linke Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.
You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college. The school is like a garden.You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise.
If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.
I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am finished. Joy Hind!"
When Lalloo completed 25 years of his rule over Bihar, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed Rabridevi, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released, and Lalloo was pleased. But within a couple of days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and became furious. He called Rabri and ordered her to investigate the matter.
Rabri checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Lalloprasad.
She said : "The stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our people are licking on the wrong side."
Three guys, a Pak, a Sri Lankan and an Indian are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Sri Lankan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Sri Lanka."
With a blink of the Genie's eye and 'FOOM' the land in Sri Lanka was forever made fertile for farming.
The Pak was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Pakistan, so that no foreigners can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Pakistan.
The Indian asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state. Nothing can get in or out."
The Indian says, "Fill it up with water."
After the defeat of Pakistani cricket team, the team members were not able to show their faces to people and they chose not to go in public and rather just pack up in hotel rooms. Saeed Anwar could not resist for too long to be in UK and still not be able to go out shopping and have fun.
So he disguises himself as a Sardar and goes out. He meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who greets him, "Hi, Saeed Anwar!"
Surprised for having been caught he comes back and makes himself up as a woman in Burkha etc. and goes out.
Yet again - the same woman greets him, "Hi, Saeed Anwar!"
Saeed Anwar comes back determined to give it yet another try with the make-up of a Hippie wig and shorts etc.
All in vain - the same lady catches him again and greets him, "Hi, Saeed Anwar!"
Bewildered by now, he could not help asking, "How do you manage to recognise me each time?" and comes the answer,
"shhh... stupid... I'm Waseem, your captain!!!"
Maine tujhe saikdon khat likhe,
Tu ne kisi ka bhi jawab nahi diya;
Kahin tere dil mein raddi ki tokri to nahi?
Maine tumhare yaadon mein ro ro ke tub bhar diya
Maine tumhare yaadon mein ro ro ke tub bhar diya
Magar tum itney bewafa nikle ki nahake chal diye
Woh chham chham karke aayee
Aur chham chham karke chalee gayee
Main sindoor ka dibba lekar khada raha
Woh Rakhee bandh ke chalee gayee.
Badi der se jinki zulfon pe nazren jamaye baithe the
Paas jakar dekha to sardarji nahaye baithe the.
Tere nazuk hoton ko man kiya choom loo...
Tere nazuk hoton ko man kiya choom loo...
Magar teri behti hui naak ne iraada badal diya...
Kaash ki tere chehre par chicken pox ke daag hote...
kassh ki tere chehre par chicken pox ke daag hote...
Chaand to hai hi... sitare bhi saath saath hote...
Aapne mere tan se khela
Aapne mere man se khela
Aapne mere dhan se khela
Aapne itne aache tarah khela...
Ki sara jaha 'well played! well played!!' bola.
Maine madhumathi samajkar dil diya...
Maine madhumathi samajkar dil diya...
Tumne agarbathi samajkar use jala diya.
Jee karta hai ki teri nili nili aankhon main dub jaoon
Jee karta hai ki teree nili nili aankhon main dub jaoon
Chhapak, Chhapak, glob... glob... glob... Splash!
Yeh aankhen hai ya neeli jheel?
Yeh aankhen hai ya neeli jheel?
So? What's the big deal?
Ye teri aankhen hain ya gehari jheel
Ye teri aankhen hain ya gehari jheel
Big Deal! Big deal!
Dharti so rahi hai, Aasman so raha hai
Dharti so rahi hai, Aasman so raha hai
Nonsense! yeh sab kya ho raha hai?
Aasmaan mein ud raha hai kabootar
Aasmaan mein ud raha hai kabootar
Flutter Flutter, Flutter Flutter
Dharti, taarey, pahaad, pathar
Dharti, taarey, pahaad, pathar...
Ekhathar, bahathar, chauhathar! (trihathar is on leave )
Aaj aasmaan mein taare aise chamak rahe hain...
Aaj aasmaan mein taare aise chamak rahe hain...
Bilkul jaise kal chamak rahe the... (wah wah)
Mujhe phir wahi yaad aane lage hain
Mujhe phir wahi yaad aane lage hain
Mujhe... kyon infinite loop me dal rahe hai???
Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai...
Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai...
Ke kyon kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai???
Tumko dekha to yeh khayaal aaya
Ke kal raat maine itna kyon khaya.
Gum woh cheez hai...
-- Wah! Kya dard hai! --
Gum woh cheez hai...
Jisse kagaz chipkaye jaate hai.
Jo pyaali mein mazaa woh Thaali mein kahan
Jo saali se mazaa gharwaali se kahan.
Mat pee sharab galib masjid mein baith kar
Ek hi botal hai, kahin khuda na mang le.
Tum aa gaye ho ; Noor aa gaya hai
Chalo teeno picture chalen...
Jise dil diya woh dilli chali gayi
Jise pyar kiya woh italy chali gayi
Dil ne kaha khud kushi(sucide) kar le jalim
Bijali ko haath lagaya to bijali chali gayi
Pyar Mein Log Jinda Dafnaye Jatein Hein,
Pyar Mein Log Jinda Dafnaye Jatein Hein,
Kabar khood Ke Dekhon Intezaar Mein Paaye Jatte Hein.
Door se dekha to kuchh dikha nahi...
Door se dekhaaa... to kuchh dikha nahi...
Paas jake dekhaa to kuchh tha hi nahi
Door se dekha to Patthhar dikhta tha...
Door se dekha... to Patthharr dikhtaa thaa...
Paas jake dekha to... suchmuch Patthhar hi thaa.
Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Paas gaya... to bheeg gaya.
Door se dekha to sher tha
Door se dekha to sher tha
Is liye paas gaya hi nahin...
Door se dekha to sher tha
Door se dekha to sher tha
Paas tera baap jayega?
Nadi ka kinara tha...
Lambe baalon ka sahara tha...
Nadi ka kinara tha.. lambe baalon ka sahara tha...
Paas jake dekha to.. ek sardar naha ra tha...
Mein tere pyar mein paagal hua chhaliye
Mein tere pyar mein paagal hua chhaliye,
Iodex maliye kaam pe chaliye
Tum har raat mere khwabon mein aao,
Tum har raat mujhe yuunhi satao,
Melody khao khud jaan jao.
Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan
Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan
Lifebouy hai jahan, tandurusti hai wahan
Maine tumse pyar kiya, tere baap ne mujhe pita
Maine tumse pyar kiya, tere baap ne mujhe pita
Tan ki shakti, man ki shakti, Bournvita??? (Chorus : Aha-aha...)???
Maine tumse pyar kiya, tere baap ne mujhe pita
Maine tumse pyar kiya, tere baap ne mujhe pita
Sin (Theta) / Cos(Theta) = Tan(Theta)
Agar tum pehno ge Rupa ke underwear-banian,
AGAR tum pehno ge Rupa ke underwear-banian,
AGAR tum pehno ge Rupa ke underwear-banian,
To bechari Rupa kya pehnegi????
Aur, ant me Ghalib ke liye ek dam fit sher.
Kyon apni kabar khod raha hai Ghalib...
Kyon apni kabar khod raha hai Ghalib...
La, phawda mujhe de.
Enjoy the following :
ladka bola :
Kaash ein hasinao ke baap mar jate,
Bahana gam ka hota, hum inke ghar to jaate.
Ladki boli :
Bewakoof, Yeh bolana bhi paap hoga,
Kisi din tu bhi kisi hasina ka baap hoga.
Irshaad..... Irshaad.....
Ladki boli :
Chandni chaand se hoti hai, sitaron se nahi,
Mohabbat ek se hoti hai, hazaaron se nahi.
Ladka bola :
Chandni agar chaand se hogi to sitaron ka kya hoga,
Mohabbat agar ek se hogi to hazaron ka kya hoga.
Irshaad..... Irshaad.....
Bewafa sanam se to cigarette achi hai,
Bewafa sanam se to cigarette achi hai,
Dil jalati hai, par hoto se to lagti hai.
Shaadi ke pehle - Agar Tum Na Hote :(
Shaadi ke baad - Agar Tum Na Hote :)
Shaadi ke pehle - Maine Pyar Kiya
Shaadi ke baad - Ye Maine Kya Kiya?
Shaadi ke pehle - Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Kuch Nahi Hota Hai
Shaadi ke pehle - Dil To Pagal Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Dil To Pagal Tha
Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye
Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye
Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge
Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge
Shaadi ke pehle - Chandramukhi
Shaadi ke baad - Jwaalamukhi
Shaadi ke pehle - Kuwara Baap
Shaadi ke baad - Bechara Baap
Shaadi ke pehle - Titanic
Shaadi ke baad - Mortgage
Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Aapke Hai Koun?
Shaadi ke baad - Barbadi Ka Kaaran
Shaadi ke pehle - Yes Boss :)
Shaadi ke baad - Yes Boss :(
Shaadi ke pehle - Mere Sapno Ki Rani
Shaadi ke baad - Chutki Ki Amma
Shaadi ke pehle - Kabhi Kabhi
Shaadi ke baad - If you are lucky
Shaadi ke pehle - Aao Pyar Karen
Shaadi ke baad - Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?
This is how Mirza Ghalib started out
Before Marrige
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi milti
After Marriage
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi marti
Bill Clinton decided to 'teach' Laloo English, so he invited him over to the US. Laloo arrives in full grandeur. Bill announces to the nation that they should not be disturbed during the tuition. Inside the White House, they are locked up in a room, and Bill starts teaching Laloo English.
Days pass by and weeks pass by, but there is no sign of them coming out.
The whole country and its economy has come to a standstill, and press, news reporters from all over the world are waiting outside eagerly to find the outcome. At last one day, the door opens, and out comes Laloo - beaming his resplendant white smile, looking cool and unruffled. Bill looks totally dazed, his clothes are torn, his hair is completely ruffled, and he has scratch marks all over his face.
The shocked reporters ask Bill, "What happened Mr. Clinton?"
Bill replies, "Ee babua hamar kuch bhi naahi sunat hai!"
sachin.tendulkar@poorguy.com
rahul.dravid@DROPhim.com
ganguly@DROPHimToo.com
kapil.dev@thisisIndianCricket.com
ajit.agarkar@5ducks.com
mohmd.azharuddin@gigglingAtall.COM
jadeja@IloveModelling.com
prasad@cantbowl.onegoodball.com
srinath@verygood.butstill.nowickets.com
mongia@BestWiki.cantplayyet.com
jayawant.lele@perfectPrediction.com
sadagopan.ramesh@DONTcomeback.com
Dewang.gandhi@careerOver.com
vijay.bharadwaj@gotoSchool.edu.ind.net
indians@STOPplayingcricket.com
indian.cricketfan@stillSupporting.com
In wake of the revelations made by Manoj Prabhakar, the Webmaster cooked up some more such e-mail Ids -
kapil.dev@i_cry_therefore_im_innocent.com
manoj.prabhakar@ballsofsteel.com
navjot.sidhu@seenoevil_hearnoevil_speaknoevil.com
sachin.tendulkar@one-man-army.com
Here's a small spoof on Livin La vida Loca :
Sing to the tune of Livin' Da Vida Loca by Ricky Martin
He's in a Virar Local,
Destination Goregaon.
Right hand's holding Mid-Day,
With left he's hanging on...
Pushed in at Dadar station,
Got a few blows on his mouth.
Crushed beyond recognition,
Wallet's been taken out...
They'll stand on your lil pinkies,
When you get into the train.
They squeeze your breath from both of your lungs,
Until they make you scream in pain.
And all your settings gone in vain, C'MON
CHORUS :
Upside, inside out
Livin' the Virar local.
They'll push and pull you out,
Livin' the Virar local.
And who's gonna tell them no?
You try and they'll make you choe-a
Livin' the Virar local.
Hey...
Livin' the Virar local.
Wake up... in Borivli,
Oh shit, missed Goregaon.
And now, he's feeling silly,
Because, he's in Naigoan...
They took all his clothes off
And had him dancing in the train,
They made him sing a bhajan
until they drove the man insane.
And then he lost his left eye to a stone. C'MON
Livin' the Virar local.
Hey...
Livin' the Virar local.
Hey...
Livin' the Virar local.
(DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN IT DOESN'T RHYME)
The Shahi Imam, the highest priest of Muslims in Pakistan, once challenged the Indian Jagat Guru Shankaracharya the highest priest of Hindus in India, to play golf. He thought there was a lot of hatred, bitterness and animosity between Hindus and Muslims. So this will be a small gesture of good will, but a giant step to bring the two communities closer, develop good relations and remove the bitterness between the Hindus and Muslims all over the world.
Shankaracharya thought it was a good idea but said, "I do not even know how to hold a club."
Taking this as a great window of opportunity, He asked his followers if there was any one in their Hindu priest order who could play golf?
"No", was the answer from all his close associates, Acharya and Pundits.
So after careful deliberation and consultation with his close Acharyas, he came up with a solution. He asked them to look for a devout Hindu here or anywhere in the world, who could play golf, and play real good. He intended to convert him to their high priest order and then that person could safely represent the Shankacharya in the game.
After a long futile attempt to find one in India, they decided to approach the renowned golf pro Vijay Singh in America, told him about the mission and brought him to Shankarcharya. He went through a rigorous religious exercise and finally the title of Acharya was bestowed on him so that he could represent the Jagat Guru in golf with the Shahi Imam of Pakistan. The challenge was accepted on the condition that it would be played in United States of America, which will be a neutral territory. It was all settled and the game was played.
Immediately after the game, an excited Acharya Vijay Singh called on Shankaracharya to give the news.
"Yes Acharya Vinay Singh, what is the news?" asked the Shankaracharya.
The rookie Acharya said, "All the shots were perfect, the drives, the iron, the puts. It was very inspiring, it was like a divine power guiding all my shots."
Shankaracharaya asked, "And?"
Acharya Vijay said, "I never played so good in my life it was perfect."
Shankaracharaya asked again, "And?"
Acharya Vijay kept going, "And the weather could never be better. I was charged with divine energy. I was on top of the world."
Shankaracharaya loosing his patient asked, "And what was the end result damn it?"
Acharya Vijay finally said, "Oh! I lost to Maulana Tiger Woods."
If you love someone
Go get it (Visa power)
Want to propose to a girl
Just do it (Nike)
Before going to propose to a girl
Believe in the best (BPL)
If your girl asks you which dress to wear
Kuch nahi (Pears)
Not satisfied with your dates
Yeh dil mangey more (Pepsi)
If you are going to propose to a girl, chances are...
50-50 (Britannia)
Those who succeed in love always say
We dream because we do (Daewoo)
A guy having a number of girl friends
Complete Man (Raymonds)
A smart girl having a number of boyfriends
Yeh hai hamara suraksa chakra (Colgate)
If a girl slapped you when you proposed to her
Take it easy (Limca)
If you get married to a girl of your mother's choice...
Jiyo mere Lal (Brooke Bond)
Here's something for us, computer guys.
Wizkid Laloo & Poor Bill Gates.
Up Close & Personal.
Gates : Namaskar! You must have heard of Windows.
Laloo : Oh yes! Most government offices we have the single window clearance concept.
Gates : At home have you installed Windows?
Laloo : I have removed all windows due to increased burglaries in our house.
Gates : (confused) Then what is the system you operate on?
Laloo : OPERATION? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month.
Gates : (sweating) Hope the Internet is being used a lot in India.
Laloo : Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.
Gates : By the year 2000 India should export computer chips.
Laloo : We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
Gates : (feeling very uneasy) Do you regularly use LapTops?
Laloo : My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
Gates : (heavily sweating) The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
Laloo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..
Gates : (feeling dizzy) I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Laloo : I have exhuasted all my leave.
Gates : I have no energy left, let us go out and have a bite.
Laloo : BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Gates : (System crashes and found missing) "Windows is restarting. Please wait.........."
Woh Elco ki pani puri, woh Chowpatty ki chaat,
Woh Naturals ki ice cream, wah usme thi kuch baat.
Woh Tewari ki mithai, woh raste ka dosa,
Woh Shiv Sagar ki pav bhaji aur Guru Kripa ka samosa.
Woh local train ka 'suffer', woh Juhu beach ki hawa,
Woh Chowpatty ke tange aur Joggers Park ka sama.
Woh December ki zara si sardi, woh baarishon ke mahine,
Woh garmi ki chuttiyan, jab chhoot te they paseene.
Woh Holi ki masti, woh Navratri ka garba,
Woh Divali ke patakhe aur Ganpati ka shor o sharaba.
Woh peak hours ki traffic, woh BEST ki rush,
Woh tadapti garmi mien, Snowmans ka ek kala khatta slush.
Woh Juhu beach ka mohol, woh samunder ki leheren,
Woh doobte suraj ka nazara, wah uske kya kehene.
Woh Sterling ka pop corn aur Cotton World mein shopping,
Woh Fashion Street ka nazara aur Nariman Point ki buildings.
Woh cinema ke queue, woh black ki tickets,
Woh Shivaji Park ka maidan, jahan bachche practice karte hain cricket.
Itni cheezen kehene ke baad, aur kitni karoon mein badaee,
Yeh shehar hain mera apna, jiska naam hai MUMBAI!!!
A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets of Delhi found himself needing a bathroom badly. After a long search he could not find any, and eventually couldn't control and chose a silent corner of a clean street to release himself.
Once he had just started, a Delhi police official approached him, "Hey, What do you think you're doing here?"
A B Khan : "Sorry I have to 'P'."
"No PP here... okay? Follow me..."
The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass, flowers and singing birds around...
"PP here... have a nice day," the Policeman said.
AB Khan : "Oh sir... that is very nice of you, is this Indian courtesy?"
Police : "No... this is Pakistani Embassy!!!"
Q : How do you stop a Pakistani tank?
A : Shoot the men who are pushing it.
Q : How do you disable a Pakistani tank?
A : Hide the wind-up key.
Q : How do you disable Pakistani missiles?
A : Cut the rubber band.
Q : Have you ever seen Pakistani war heroes?
A : Neither has Pakistan.
Q : Did you hear about the other latest Pakistani invention?
A : The new automatic parachutes. They open on impact.
Q : How do you sink a Pakistani battleship?
A : Put it in water.
Q : Did you hear about the 747 jet which Crashed into a cemetery in Karachi?
A : The Pakistani officials have so far recovered 3000 bodies.
Q : Did you hear about the Pakistani admiral who had asked to be buried at sea?
A : Five Pakistani sailors died digging his grave.
Q : Did you hear about the other tragedy in Karachi?
A : There was a terrible power cut in Karachi's Four Square Shopping Mall. People were stuck on the escalator for four hours.
Q : Did you hear about the Pakistani family that froze to death outside a theatre?
A : They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the winter".
Q : Did you hear about the Pakistani helicopter crash?
A : The pilot felt cold, so he turned off the fan.
Q : Why do Pakistani dogs have flat noses?
A : They get it from chasing parked cars.
Q : Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library?
A : Somebody stole the book.
Q : You're locked in a room with Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, and a Pakistani. You have a gun with ONLY two bullets. What do you do?
A : Shoot the Pakistani twice to make sure he's dead.
Q : What's brown and black and looks great on a Pakistani?
A : A Doberman.
Q : How can you tell when a Pakistani is lying?
A : His lips are moving.
Q : What do you have when a Pakistani is buried up to his neck in sand?
A : Not enough sand.
Q : Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of Pakistanis?
A : He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Pakistani Air Force officials have recently motioned for a name change for the PAF. They want to call it the PMC, the Pakistani Mining Corps. This is because their planes end up in the ground anyway.
* The classic :
"Main tumhaare bachche ki maan banne waali hoon."
* The eternal reason for being the victim of anything that can happen to you in Hindi films :
"Mai gareeb hoon na, isliye..."
* A main character in the movie will go to the temple and say :
"Bhagwan mainey tumse aaj tak kuch nahin maanga..."
* Old Hindi movie :
"Aiye ji sunte ho... Aap bade woh hein."
* Lover-girl to leaving lover-boy :
"Mai tumhare bina nahin jee sakti."
* "Kanoon ke haath bahut lambe hote hein."
&
* "Rukjao! Kanoon ko apne haath mein mat lo."
* Judge announcing his decision in filmi court :
"Gawaaoon key bayaanat aur saboot ko madde nazar rakhtey Taz-e-raat-e-hind, dafaa 302 ke tahet, muzrim ko sazaaye maut di jaati hai."
* "Muzrim ko ba-izzat bari kiya jaata hai."
* "Main is Geeta per haath rakhkar yeh saugandh leta hoon ki jo bhi kahoonga sach kahoonga, aur sach ke siva kuch nahin kahoonga."
* "Inspector! Giraftaar karlo issey."
* "Raam Raam kaaka."
* "Jug Jug jiyo beta."
* "Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhaane ke layak nahin rahe."
* "Kya issi din ke liye tujhe paal pos ke bada kiya tha?"
* Typical farmer ka dialogue :
"Mainey is zameen ko apne khoon sey seencha hai."
* Hero/heroine after opening their eyes in the hospital :
"Main kahan hoon?"
* "Hum jahaan khade hote hein, line wahin sey shuru hoti hai."
* "Mai kahti hoon, door ho jaa meri nazron sey."
* "Is ghar ke darwaaze, tumhare liye hamesha ke liye band hein."
* A Prem Chopra-type villian to the heroine/village belle :
"In gori gori kalaiyon ko kaam karne ki kya zaroorat hai."
* "Chhod do mujhe, bhagwaan ke liye chhod do."
* "Maine tumhe kya samjha, aur tum kya nikley!"
* Doctor :
"Ab sab oopar waale key haath mein hai."
* The doctor to the patient's near n' dear one :
"I'm sorry, hum kuch nahin kar sakey."
* Doctor :
"Chowbees ghante tak hosh nahin aaya to..."
* "Agar maa ka doodh piya hai to saamne aa."
* "Jyaada hoshiayari karne ki koshish maat karna."
* Amitabh in a hajaar movies :
"Nahin chhodunga tujhe. Jaan sey maar daaloonga."
* "Bhagwaan pe bharosa rakho. Sab thik ho jaiye ga."
* "Woh ek gandi naali ka keeda hai."
* A heroine's expression of what love does to her :
"Mera dil dhak-dhak karta hai."
* "Ajji sunte ho, munna ke pitajee."
* Rich father to son :
"Ek phooti kaudi nahin doonga."
* "Zamaane ne thokar laga-laga ke is dil ko paththar bana diya."
* Dharmendra in a hajaar movies :
"Kutte! Kamine!..."
"Yeh Taklooooo!"
* Lalita Pawar in a hajaar scenes :
"Chudeil! Kide pade tere..."
* Best way to threaten someone from doing anything against your wishes :
"Agar tumhe maine yeh karne diya, to mera naam ______ nahin."
"Tumne yeh kiya, to mujhse bura koi nahin hoga."
* "Woh kutte ki maut marega."
* "Bol! Bol heere kahan chuppa rakhe hai."
* The favoirite emotional blackmail :
"Tune yeh kiya to tu mere mara muh dekhegi."
* Inspector Iftekar on a megaphone :
"Apne aap ko police ke hawaale kar do. Police ne chaaron taraf sey tumhe gher liya hai."
"Apne hathiyaar phenk do."
* The classic :
"Thairo! Yeh shaadi nahin ho sakti!"