During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt : Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

- "Will I be acquitted?"

Hillary is waiting at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes up and says, "I know you were somebody down on Earth, but you are just like everyone else up here, so you will have to wait your turn."

Hillary takes a seat and notices this wall covered with clocks. She also notices that every now and then, different clocks jump 15 minutes ahead of time.

When St. Peter returns, Hillary says, "What's with all the clocks?"

St. Peter replies, "Well, each clock represents a man back on Earth."

Hillary asks, "Why is it that some of the clocks skip ahead 15 minutes?"

"Every time a clock skips, that means that a man has committed adultery," answers St. Peter.

"Which one is my husband's clock?" inquires Hillary.

"God has that one in his office," answers St. Peter. "He uses it as a fan."

Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be President. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

When Clinton was asked about Roe vs. Wade, he replied, "I think the Haitians had better row because it is too far to wade."

Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else."

Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time...?"

Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm elected...'"

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."

One day, Clinton angrily called the White House interior decorator into the oval office.

He said, "Chelsea is very upset because she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!"

"Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replied. "I'll take those mirrors out right away!"

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field.

The stunned umpire shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet President out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful defender of the Western Hemisphere.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning."

Bill Clinton Statue Committee
1040 Buffoon Street
Little Rock, AR 72205


Dear Friend :

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising 5 million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the hall of fame in Washington, DC.

This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it beside George Washington who never told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it next to Christopher Columbus, the greatest democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, he returned not knowing where he had been, and he did it all on borrowed money.

5,000 years ago Moses said, "Pack up your camel, pick up your shovel, move your ass, and I will lead you to the promised land."

5,000 years later FDR said, "Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, light up a camel for this is the promised land."

This year Bill Clinton will steal your shovel, kick your ass, raise the price of camels, and mortgage the promised land. If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Fraternally,
Bill Clinton Statue Committee

Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest.

Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won!

He was the only one of the three who knew that 'harass' was one word.

Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

Son - What's up, Dad?

Dad - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

Son - I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car" that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.

Dad - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

Son - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

Dad - But your sister has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car and drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

Son - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

Dad - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

Son - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

Dad - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

Son - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

Dad - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

Son - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

Dad - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

Son - No, no, that's not correct. Your question was, "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked, "Did I scratch the car?" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

Dad - Where did you learn to be such a wise guy?

Son - From the President of the United States.

A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President just found out he was impeached and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"I've got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons."

Q : Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A : The nation.