# Height of Honesty
A pregnant woman asking the bus conductor for one and a half ticket.

# Height of Disgustion
While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.

# Height of Foolishness
A guy peeping thru' the keyhole of a glass door

# Height of Competition
A guy peeing beside a waterfall.

"1935 will go down in history! For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration! Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient and the world will follow our lead into the future!"

      -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945)

"We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities."

      -- Robin Williams, "Good Morning Vietnam"

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

      -- Dave Barry

When you pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend.

Any excuse to wear a sword is a good excuse.

I have an understanding with my local police - I have them outgunned, but they have me outnumbered.

If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the weaponry to make the difference.

I fight for what I believe in. I am a mercenary, and I believe in money.

If I want your opinion, I'll read it in your entrails.

I'm not worried about the bullet out there with my name on it - just the thousands out there marked "occupant".

Assassins Inc. We aim to please.

"He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, senseless brutality, deplorable love-of-country stance, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action! It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder."

      -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.

      -- Raphael Aloysius Lafferty

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs,
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clair who wasted away,
D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach,
F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George, smothered under a rug,
H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in the lake,
J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe,
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea,
N is for Nevil who died of enui.
O is for Olive, run through with an awl,
P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire,
R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits,
T is for Titas who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain,
V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
W is for Winie, embedded in ice,
X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice.
Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in,
Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.

      -- Edward Gorey "The Gashlycrumb Tinies"

A friend of mine stopped smoking, drinking, overeating, and chasing women -- all at the same time. It was a lovely funeral.

"Flattery is like chewing gum - enjoy it, but don't swallow it."

      -- Mrs. Wilson, "Dennis The Menace"

"Faith : not *wanting* to know what is true."

      -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup."

      -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)

All heiresses are beautiful.

      -- John Dryden (1631-1700)

After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

      -- P. J. O'Rourke

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

      -- Stephen Butler Leacock

Abstainer : A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

      -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914), "The Devil's Dictionary", 1911

Acquaintance, n. : A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

      -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914), "The Devil's Dictionary", 1911

"True, money can't buy happiness, but it isn't happiness I want. It's money."

      -- Bizarro

A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.

      -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)

A school should not be a preparation for life. A school should be life.

      -- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)

A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.

      -- George Santayana (1863-1952)

Most gifted students are going to grow up segregated from the rest of society no matter what. They will then go to the elite colleges no matter what, move into successful careers no matter what, and eventually lead the institutions of this country no matter what. Therefore, the nation had better do its damnedest to make them as wise as it can.

      -- Richard Herrnstein and Charles Murray, The Bell Curve

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

      -- Albert Einstein

I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.

"As you approach 4.0, study time approaches infinity."

      -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991

We are students of words : we are shut up in schools and colleges and recitation-rooms for ten or fifteen years, and come out at last with a bag of wind, a memory of words, and do not know a thing.

      -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I never let my schooling get in the way of my education."

      -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Mathematician : A machine for converting coffee into theorems.

A pig is a jolly companion,
Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
Though mountains may topple and tilt.
When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
You'll never go wrong with a pig!

      -- Thomas S. Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"

A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud.

      -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Essays", 1841

"Filling out job applications is so depressing. I was filling one out the other day and I got to the part that says "Sex?" Well, I prefer to 'F', but I'm usually alone, so I had to circle 'M'."

      -- Patrick Dockhorn, dockhorn@probitas.cs.utas.edu.au

"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty," the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is a hole in the ground."

(Referring to a glass of water : )
I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

      -- Steve Wright

"A good theory should fit on a T-shirt."

      -- Astronomer at Jan 1992 AAS meeting

Aneroid Barometer : Meteorological instrument which sailors often use to confirm the onset of bad weather. Its readings, together with heavy rain, severe rolling, high winds, dark skies, and a deep cloud cover, indicate the presence of a storm.

      -- from "Sailing" by Henry Beard and Roy Mckie

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

      -- Dave Barry

All you have to do to see the accuracy of my thesis is look around you. Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making average incomes for doing average jobs -- bank vice presidents, insurance salesman, auditors, secretaries of defense -- and you'll realize they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins in the Sears menswear department dress. Now look at the real successes, the people who make a lot more money than you -- Elton John, Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on. They all dress funny -- and they all succeed. Are you catching on?

      -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"

All this buttoning and unbuttoning.

      -- 18th Century suicide note

All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance,
And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake,
And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie,
And the lie they tell, is enough to go to ****
Hello, operator, give me number nine,
If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the ****
Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the ****
Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
This is what Lulu told me, just before she died.
She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim,
She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim.
He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.

      -- Princess

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

      -- Steve Wright

All scientific discoveries are first recorded on napkins or tablecloths.

Engineering advances are drawn inside matchbook covers. Keep supplies of them handy at all times.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.'

      -- Steve Wright

All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.

      -- Woody Allen

"Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof."

      -- John Kenneth Galbraith

"But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown."

      -- Carl Sagan

Any discovery is more likely to be exploited by the wicked than applied by the virtuous.

      -- Marion J. Levy, Jr.

Any coward can fight a battle when he is sure of winning; but give me the man who has pluck to fight when he's sure of losing. That's my way, sir; and there are many victories worse than a defeat.

      -- George Eliot

And it does matter. An honest man or woman is an honest man or woman more because he or she is honest in the small, everyday things that "don't matter" individually, but which make up a well-lived life, than because of some single great temptation that was passed. A person who is concerned about individual rights or about individual dignity makes his or her difference not because of any sweeping great statement or action, but because of the accretion of small, individually seemingly insignificant acts that spread that dignity and confirm those rights through every action they take. It matters because every action you take, and every action I take is an expression of the human spirit.

      -- William Oliver (oliver@uncmed.med.unc.edu)

All men can be lead to believe the lie they want to believe.

      -- Italo Bombolini

Adam was but human -- this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden.

      -- Mark Twain (1835-1910), "The Tragedy of Pudd'nhead Wilson"

"You can fool too many of the people too much of the time."

      -- James Thurber (1894-1961), "The Thurber Carnival", 1945

"Treat your guest as a guest for two days; on the third day, give him a hoe."

      -- Swahili proverb

A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.

A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.

      -- Gian Vincenzo Gravina

A light supper, a good night's sleep and a fine morning have often made a hero out of the same man, who, by indigestion, a restless night and a rainy morning would have proved a coward.

      -- Chesterfield

A man should be careful never to tell tales of himself to his own disadvantage; people may be amused, and laugh at the time, but they will be remembered, and brought up against him upon some subsequent occasion.

      -- Johnson

I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.

May you get the winning lottery ticket and a hole in your pocket.

May you have eyes like a hawk and a spouse with warts.

May you learn the secret of life in every dream, then forget it each time you awaken.

May you live in uninteresting times.

May you make a poor man richer : your doctor.

May you make a widow and orphans happy -- your own.

May your children be so famous every policeman knows them.

May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always.

May your daughters' hair grow thick, black, and abundant -- all over their faces.

May your mouth never close and your arse never open.

May your possessions never tempt another to steal.

Your mind is a one bit processor with parity error.

Here's a red box, go call someone who cares (Dedrick T.S.L.)

The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the outside.

(response) I'm sorry, my IQ's over 80. You wouldn't be interested.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
      - Dorothy Parker, book review

"Buy land. They've stopped making it."

      -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma."

      -- Chris Jarocha-Ernst

"...cops and reporters are much alike. Both are absolutely dedicated to doing the job at hand, regardless of obstacles. And both, deep down, really believe the rules don't apply to them."

      -- Jim Barlow, Houston Chronicle

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

      -- Van Roy

"Today I dialed a wrong number. The other side said, 'Hello?' and I said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey?' They said,' Uh, I don't think so... He's only two months old.' I said, 'I'll wait...'"

      -- Steve Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

      -- Steven Wright

A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

      -- Robert Frost

A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.

Support your local police force -- steal!

Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying.

Precinct toilet stolen - police have nothing to go on.

Speak softly and wear a loud shirt.

Support your local medical examiner - die strangely.

If Jesus was Jewish, why did he have a Mexican name?

I used to belong to a solipsism club, but I got bored and voted everyone else out.

American Non Sequitur Society - we don't make sense, but we do like pizza.

But, Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure!

Time is a great teacher, but it kills all its pupils.

I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegatables!

My economic philosophy is middle of the road. I spend money left and right.

No matter what other nations may say about the United States, immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.

Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.

There is no indigestion worse than that which comes from having to eat your own words.

There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.

Who gossips to you will gossip of you.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."

      -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers."

      -- Socrates (470?-399 B.C.)

People with bad consciences always fear the judgement of children.

      -- Mary McCarthy

Dancing is the loftiest, the most moving, the most beautiful of the arts, because it is no mere translation or abstraction from life; it is life itself.

      -- Havelock Ellis

If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they'd point in different directions.

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because its easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

Dancing : A perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

"Before you marry, keep your two eyes open; after you marry, shut one."

      -- Jamaican proverb

"'Tisn't beauty, so to speak, nor good talk necessarily. It's just IT. Some women'll stay in a man's memory if they once walked down a street."

      -- Rudyard Kipling, "Traffics and Discoveries"

A relationship is like a shark - it has to keep moving forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.

      -- Woody Allen

A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.

A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.

A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.

      -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)

A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong -- it merely keeps her from enjoying it.

A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than he hates his wife.

Half of all marraiges end in divorce, the other half in death - I got out alive!

Aristotle may have needed a lever long enough and a place to rest it on to move the earth, but Cleopatra just had to find a man in the right position of power.

      -- Patri Friedman

Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better side, his nobler instincts, and his higher nature -- and another woman to help him forget them.

      -- Helen Rowland

"To be in love is merely to be in a state of perpetual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess."

      -- H. L. Mencken

A bridegroom is a guy who has lost his liberty in the pursuit of happiness.

Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked 'petite' and hold on to the receipt.

The greatest of all human arts is the ability to be indiscreet discreetly.

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother -- I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

The lovely thing about being forty is that you can appreciate twenty-five-year-old men more.

      -- Collen McCullough

The head never rules the heart, but just becomes its partner in crime.

      -- Mignon McLaughlin

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend.

      -- Zenna Schaffer

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

      -- Rita Mae Brown

No man is responsible for his father. That was entirely his mother's affair.

      -- Maraget Turnbull

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Man invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

      -- Elayne Boolser

The follies which a man regrets the most in his life are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.

      -- Helen Rowland

You don't die of a broken heart, you only wish you did.

      -- Marilyn Peterson

Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

      -- Comte DeBussy-Rabutin

If you love someone, set them on fire.
If they come back, they're yours.
If not, bon appetit!

Love makes the time pass. Time makes love pass.

      -- French Proverb

Who travels for love finds a thousand miles not longer than one.

      -- Japanese Proverb

A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark.

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him...

The great secret of happiness in love is to be glad that the other fellow married her.

A man may be a fool and not know it -- but not if he is married.

      -- H.L. Mencken "The Old Subject", pp.213-9.

Marriage is the death of hope.

      -- Woody Allen, A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy

Intelligence is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

My mind isn't always in the gutter - sometimes it comes out to feed.

Absence makes the heart go wander.

Better to have loved a short girl, than never to have loved a tall.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

She said she would go through anything for me and she wanted to start with my bank book.

The plural of spouse is spice.

Chaste makes waste.

The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

It's not cute being this easy.

I'm not a tease - teases make promises they don't keep. I'm a flirt - I make no promises at all.

Love and eggs are best when they are fresh.

      -- Russian Proverb

Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.

      -- William Shakespeare

(Button) Yield to temptation - I may not make the pass again.

Can one ever remember love? It's like trying to summon up the smell of a rose in a cellar. You might see a rose, but never the perfume.

      -- Arthur Miller

Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.

      -- Dorothy Parker

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

      -- Stephen Leacock

I don't sleep with happily married men.

      -- Britt Ekland

I think, therefore I'm single.

      -- Liz Winston

It should be a very happy marriage -- they are both so much in love with him.

      -- Irene Thomas

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior".

      -- Rita Rudner

The woman whose behavior indicates that she will make a scene if she is told the truth asks to be deceived.

      -- Elizabeth Jenkins

Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do.

      -- Katharine Hepburn

Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what disguise she would recommend for him.

She said, "Why don't you come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"

Annual drug deaths :

tobacco : 395,000,
alcohol : 125,000,
'legal' drugs : 38,000,
illegal drug overdoses : 5,200,
marijuana : 0.

Considering government subsidies of tobacco, just what is our government protecting us from in the drug war?

      -- William A. Turnbow

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

      -- Dylan Thomas (1914-1953)

"Want some pretzels?"
"No thanks, we're on duty. A couple beers would be nice, though."

      -- The Simpsons

"...The renewed shock had nearly made him spill his drink. He drained it quickly before anything serious happened to it. He then had another quick one to follow the first one down and check that it was all right. He then sent a third drink down to see why the second hadn't yet reported on the condition of the first. He poured another drink down with the plan that it would head the previous one off at the pass, join forces with it, and together they would get the second to pull itself together. Then all three would go off in search of the first, give it a good talking to. He felt uncertain as to whether the fourth drink had understood all that so he sent down a fifth to explain the plan more fully and a sixth for moral support."

      -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

A friend with weed is a friend indeed.

Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.

Acid -- better living through chemistry.

Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!

I don't have a drinking problem. / I drink / I get drunk / I fall down / No problem.

I'm not as think as you stoned I am.

LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.

You're not really drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.

A night sober is a night wasted, but a night wasted is really fun.

I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings.

I used to have a drug problem, but now I have enough money.

I wish you were a beer.

Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.

Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.

Drug free school zone is a contradiction in terms.

I'm sick and depraved - please feed me drugs and cookies.

Jailing someone to keep them from ruining their life with drugs is like burning a village to save it.

A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.

School-free Drug Zone.

Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed, chocolate makes it worthwhile.

I am under the influence of sugar, caffeine, and lack of sleep, and should not be held responsible for my behavior.

Sleep is great, but its not substitute for caffeine.

* "I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you."

      -- Anon. (hmm, obviously a Texan, right?!)

* "There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information."

      -- Don Rottenberg

* "It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket."

      -- Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury

* "Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos."

      -- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower

* "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?"

      -- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of people in wheelchairs

* "Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one."

* "Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant."

      -- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish

* "I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot."

      -- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.

* "I am filled with humidity."

      -- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

* "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head."

      -- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies

* "If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen..."

      -- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower

* "I move we recess to go outside and throw up."

      -- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing

* "This is a real competitive business."

      -- A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded

* "It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn."

      -- Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton

"Modesty is the art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it."

When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.
Too bad they missed.

No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Work fascinates me.
I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different.

There are three things men can do with women : love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.

      -- Stephen Stills

The less you need others, the more they will be attracted to you.

Lonely men seek companionship. Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.

I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
I'm frightened of the old ones.

      -- John Cage

The universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty and bloody-mindedness.

When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues.

      -- Honoré de Balzac

Behold the answer to the age-old question, how can I make her love me?

You cannot.

She will love you, or she will love you not.
If she loves you, rejoice.
If she loves you not, find another.

Without love, intelligence is dangerous.
Without intelligence, love is not enough.

      -- Ashley Montagu

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

      -- Clive James

It is all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and then.

      -- Richard Armour

A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.

      -- Lisa Kirk

1) Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2) I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

3) I am in shape. Round's a shape...

4) I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5) Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6) I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific!

7) Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

8) Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

9) You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.

10) I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

11) The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Indians is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

12) Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

13) I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

14) A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
                  -- Jake Johansen

15) Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy ever minute of it.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

If your vacuum cleaner really sucks, is that good?

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station...

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

People seem to read the Bible a whole lot as they get older it dawned on me... they were cramming for their finals.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Ever feel like your diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

A day without sun shine is like night.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The USS Enterprise is like toilet paper. It circles Uranus, wiping out Klingons.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

If you try to lose and succeed what have you done??

Why is it that when you talk to God it's called "prayer," but when God talks to you it's called "schizophrenia?"

A mirror reverses things from left to right. Why doesn't it reverse things from top to bottom?

Why does everyone want to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die?

Why do legislators think they can reduce crime by passing more laws?

If Jesus turned water into wine, why do Christians oppose drinking?

Did you know that scientists started using lawyers instead of lab rats for studies. Because there are some things that even rats won't do.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

Keep honking while I reload.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other 2 it's an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...
...or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

A hole has been found in a nudist colony wall. Police are said to be looking into it.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

COLE'S LAW : Thinly sliced cabbage.

Editing is a rewording activity.

Dyslexics ahve more fnu.

Clones are people two.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Microbiology Lab : Staph Only!

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Ground Beef : A Cow With No Legs!

186,000 miles/sec : Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

Gene Police : YOU! Out of the pool.

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

What if there were no hypothetical question?

1. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

2. Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

3. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

4. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

5. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

6. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

7. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

8. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

9. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

10. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

11. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

12. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

13. Quantum Mechanics : The dreams stuff is made of

14. Robin Hood was a terrorist.

15. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

16. Shake well before and after use.

17. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

18. The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash.

19. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

20. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

21. "Honk if you have never seen an Uzi fired from a car window."

22. Televangelists : The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

If a mute swears, does his mother threaten to wash his hands with soap?

He who laughs last, didn't get the joke.

If a turtle loses it's shell - is it naked or homeless?

If a man talks in a forest with no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

The normal man pisses on the floor, be a hero, shit on the ceiling.

Written high up on the wall, "If you can piss above this line, The Woodsbureau Fire Department want you."

Please remain seated at all times.

You can drag a dead horse to water, but you can't make 'em float...

A day without sunshine is like, night.

* What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

* Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

* Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

* If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?

* I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

* I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

* Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

* Does fuzzy logic tickle?

* If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

* How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

* I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

"There ain't no rules around here! We're trying to accomplish something!"

      -- Thomas Edison

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

What's that telling you?

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
No use for two people remembering the same thing.

For years, we thought that a million monkeys sitting at a million keyboards typing for a million years would produce the complete works of Shakespeare.
Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that's not true.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."

      -- Bobcat Goldthwait

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

      -- Jack Mayberry

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.

She could speak 5 languages but she couldn't say no in any of them.

There is nothing complex about her - anyone can grasp her.

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

- Hermits have no peer pressure.

- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

- I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

- I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.

- If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only be troubled and insecure?

- Is there another word for synonym?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

- Is it possible to be totally partial?

- What's another word for thesaurus?

- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

- Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

- When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

- Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

- If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

- Why is the word abbreviation so long?

- When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

- If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

"Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get."

A. Life : Is a cigarette which begins with flashes but ends with ashes.

B. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence afterwards.

C. Diplomat : A person who thinks twice before saying nothing.

D. Specialist : A person who knows more and more about less and less until he knows almost everything about almost nothing.

E. Committee : A group of persons who individually can decide nothing but jointly can decide that nothing can be done.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
                  -- Mark Twain

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Gravitation cannot be blamed for people falling in love.

      -- Albert Einstein

Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

The modern girl usually gets along fine with her mother-in-law because she can not afford another baby sitter.

There is only one beautiful child in the world, and every mother has it.

Sometimes you cannot tell if a man is trying so hard to be a success to please his wife or to spite his mother-in-law.

Parents spend the first three years of a child's life trying to get him to talk... and the next sixteen years trying to get him to shut up.

She is the kind of girl who does not care for a man's company - unless he owns it.

She did not want to marry him for his money, but she just could not figure out any other way to get it.

In a courtroom it takes 12 men to find out if a woman is innocent. On a country lane in the moonlight, it takes only one.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

1. "Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep!

2. There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning!

3. "ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY." So what? Who's in a hurry?

4. "Hard work never killed anybody." But why take the risk! (I don't want to be an exception!)

5. My girlfriend ran away with my best friend and I really miss him ;-)

6. God is Alive! Speak to Him!! (It's cheaper after nine!)

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep."

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."

"Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!"

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case Heaven is like the IRS."

"Friends don't let friends drive naked."

"Wink... I'll do the rest!"

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

"Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal!"

"Warning : Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Lottery : A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes."

"Puritanism : The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

"Consciousness : That annoying time between naps."

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

"i souport publik edekashun"

Support search and rescue : GET LOST!

"We Are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"3 kinds of people : Those who can count & those who can't."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."

"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.

If you take viagra with prosac and it does not work, you won't care.

Putting viagra on your alarm clock will ensure that you get up in the morning!

A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
A man of 35 thinks of dating children.

Why could Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he always ducked when someone threw a gun at him.

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients BUT dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

+ I am on a thirty day diet. So far, I have lost 15 days.

+ You have a right to your opinions; I just don't want to hear them.

+ I am retired -- this is as dressed up as I'm going to get.

+ The problem with patting yourself on the back is that your hands aren't free to break your fall.

+ DON'T MAKE ME ANGRY -- I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
(Best if printed with angry eyes staring at you right from the T-Shirt)
      - Submitted by MrNiceGuy

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

We put the "k" in "kwality."

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

Work : It isn't just for sleeping anymore.