1 1 was a race-horse, 2 2 was 1 2. When 1 1 1 1 race, 2 2 1 1 2.

* Law of Cat Inertia
   A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

* Law of Cat Motion
   A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

* Law of Cat Magnetism
   All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

* Law of Cat Thermodynamics
   Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

* Law of Cat Stretching
   A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

* Law of Cat Sleeping
   All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

* Law of Cat Elongation
   A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

* Law of Cat Acceleration
   A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

* Law of Dinner Table Attendance
   Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

* Law of Rug Configuration
   No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

* Law of Obedience Resistance
   A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

* First Law of Energy Conservation
   Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

* Second Law of Energy Conservation
   Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

* Law of Refrigerator Observation
   If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

* Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
   Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

* Law of Random Comfort Seeking
   A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

* Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
   All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

* Law of Cat Embarrassment
   A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

* Law of Milk Consumption
   A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

* Law of Furniture Replacement
   A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

* Law of Cat Landing
   A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

* Law of Fluid Displacement
   A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

* Law of Cat Disinterest
   A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

* Law of Pill Rejection
   Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

* Law of Cat Composition
   A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine.

An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

"Whatya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you are here?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!"

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
    (a) build a bridge
    (b) sail the ocean
    (c) lead an army or
    (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
    a. Jewish
    b. Catholic
    c. Hindu
    d. Polish
    e. Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are the people in America's far north called?
    a. Westerners
    b. Southerners
    c. Easterners
    d. Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
    Bush    :
    Carter  :
    Clinton :

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
      (a) Macy's
      (b) a 7-11
      (c) Canada
      (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
      (a) yes
      (b) no
If you answer "yes", please do explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity below :

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers' Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a 3 storey building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
      a. New York
      b. FLORIDA
      c. Canada
      d. Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have 3 apples how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The University of Illinois tradition for efficiency began when?
      a. B.C.
      b. A.D.
      c. STILL WAITING

NAME :

* YOU MUST ANSWER THREE (3) OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY

LEASH :
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED :
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL :
Is what you do when your people have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF :
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN :
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES :
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS :
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER :
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET :
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS :
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH :
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN :
Every good dogs's response to the command "Sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP :
The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP :
A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require... especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

A man walked into a bar and immediately called out, "Who is the owner of that Saint Bernard tied up outside?"

A man replied, "It's mine. Why do you ask?"

The first man walked up to him and said, "I'm sorry, but my dog just killed your dog."

The owner of the Saint Bernard was shocked, "Are you kidding me?! That dog is huge! He's bigger than my car!"

The first guy explained, "Well, he choked on my Chihuahua."

Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioral quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats.

Symptoms :
The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc. After several such maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.

Treatment :
This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though - some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.

Symptoms :
The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging." Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.

Treatment :
Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.

Symptoms :
The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.

Treatment :
The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).

Symptoms :
A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has difficulty walking).

Treatment :
Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor continues).

Symptoms :
The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.

Treatment :
Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.

Symptoms :
Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.

Treatment :
Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure.

Symptoms :
Varied : sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.

Treatment :
Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.

Symptoms :
Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are naturally immune.

Treatment :
None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.

John came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend, Mark, and told him of his adventures.

"I was out in the jungle," he said, "When all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit. The lion started gaining on me again, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, so I made toward it. I got close to the house with the lion almost on top of me when he slipped for a third time. With my very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."

"That's some story there, John, I would have shit in my pants."

"Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON...???"

A sailor and a marine were in the mens room of their favorite watering hole. The sailor finishes pissing and starts to walk out the door.

The marine says, "In the marines they teach us to wash our hands after we piss."

The sailor shoots back, "In the navy they teach us not to piss on our hands!"

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away.

The lion hollered after the elephant, "Damn, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off."

It is reported that the following part of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it come to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was content. And Cat did not care one way or the other.

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "They ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

Festivity Level 1 : Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 2 : Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 3 : Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level 4 : Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.


You want to keep your party somewhere around Level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to Level 4. The best way to get to Level 3 is egg-nog.

A grumpy old man comes home after a long day at work, sits on his couch and opens a beer. Then he hears a knock on the door. Pissed that he has to get up, he goes to the door and opens it.

He looks around, doesn't see anyone and starts to close the door, when he notices a snail sitting on his doormat. He bends over and picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. He closes the door and goes back to the couch to tend to his beer.

An entire year passes, the old man is once again sitting on his couch enjoying his after work beverage when he hears a knock on the door. He angrily gets up and goes to answer the door.

He opens up the door and doesn't see a soul in sight. Then, as he starts to close his door, he notices a snail on his doormat. The snail looks up and says, "Hey, what the hell did you do that for!"

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The owner says, "How about a dog?"

The man replies, "Come on, a dog can't do everything."

The owner says "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The owner thinks for a minute. Then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "Centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything but, ok... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows on the sofa plumped. The plants are watered.

The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is a pet that can really do everything."

He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back by now. Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede. The man can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where was the centipede?

He goes to the front door, opens it, and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door.

The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and just get me a newspaper. What's the story?"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm puttin' on my shoes!"

An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.

"Yeti tracks," the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed; do NOT, under any circumstances, touch the yeti."

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope, night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous eight foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.

Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it, somehow the yeti had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and with a low rumbling voice the yeti began to speak :
"Tag! You're it!"

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle."

There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike.

The other priest asked where his bike was. The other priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!"

The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the ten commandments, and when you get to "Thou Shall Not Steal" someone will confess to the crime."

The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back.

"I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?" the one priest said.

The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it."

An engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the 'craziest' thing he had never done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Aside from beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

'I'm from the other side of the island,' she said. 'Were you on the cruise ship, too?'

'Yes, I was,' he answered. 'But, where did you get that rowboat?'

'Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, what did you use for tools?' asked the engineer.

'There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that,' she said. 'Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter.'

'To be honest I've just been sleeping on the beach,' the engineer said.

'Would you like to come to my place?' the woman asked.

The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid around a palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow, painted in blue and white.

'Its not much, but I call it home.' Inside, she said, 'Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?'

'No, thanks,' said the engineer. 'One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!'

'It won't be coconut juice,' the woman replied. 'I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas.'

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, 'Tell me, have you always had a beard?'

'No,' the engineer replied. 'I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island.'

'Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered, not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom, and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

'You look great,' said the woman. 'I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable.'

As she did, the engineer continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

'Tell me,' she asked, 'we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too... isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!'

'Yes, there is!' the man replied, shucking off his shyness. 'There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible!'

'Well, it's not impossible, any more,' the woman said.

The engineer, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly :
'You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR E-MAIL?!?'

Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more intimate correspondence. After months of virtual kinkiness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small cafe. Bunny arrived a little late. One customer, a short, frail man with an eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe.

"Are you Bob?" asked Bunny.

"Yes, I am," said Bob.

"Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You told me you were tall, dark and handsome."

"How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red with shame. "You told me you were skinny, blonde, and female!"

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Wife    : Do you want dinner?

Husband : Sure, what are my choices?

Wife    : Yes and no.

'For twenty years my husband and I were very happy.'

'What happened then?'

'We met.'

Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy and sarcastic?"

"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.

"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."

Customer    : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Brighton in two days' time?

Post Master : Well it might do.

Customer    : I bet you, it won't.

Post Master : Why not?

Customer    : It's addressed to London.

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.

'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'

'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.

'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

Teacher : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil   : A teacher.

Teacher : Sam, you talk a lot.

Sam     : It's a family tradition.

Teacher : What do you mean?

Sam     : Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.

Teacher : What about your mother?

Sam     : She's a woman.

Teacher : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?

Student : Brotherly love.

Teacher : Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?

Sam     : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Patient : What are the chances of my recovering, doctor?

Doctor  : One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died.

A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "Okay, so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish."

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?"

The genie laughed a replied, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... How much steel!!! No think of another wish."

The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, To know why they are crying, To know what they want when they say "nothing"..."

The genie replies, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

When my brother was on leave from national service, he brought home a heavily tattooed friend. We all sat down to sunday lunch, my nephew couldn't take his eyes off the man's colorful arms.

Curiosity got the better off him. Politely, he asked the visitor, "Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-hour. Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says : "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course.

They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."

He walked out on the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world."

A fly sees a cute little female fly land on a pile of shit. He buzzes down and says, "Excuse me, miss, is this stool taken?"

For a long time, Jewish couples resisted the idea of divorce, but times change. Recently in Howard County a Jewish couple filed for divorce. The woman was testifying & explaining her "Bad marriage" to the Judge.

She said, "That's my side of the story, your honor, now let me tell you his."

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.

"What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Two brand new attorneys went to a large city to get jobs. They had been friends since they were kids, so they decided to apply at the same firm. They had finished filling out the applications and were waiting to see the senior partner. Billy Ray was called in first. The senior partner was a stout man, with a weathered face and a scar above his right eye. He also had the distinguishing feature of having no ears, just two tiny holes in the sides of his head. The man ordered Billy Ray to sit down. He leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Ray, "This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes, keen, observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!" Billy Ray looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar. He looked at the interviewer and said, "You ain't got no ears!" He jumped out of his chair, grabbed Billy Ray by the neck and threw him out of his office.

Billy Joe saw Billy Ray come flying out the door and went over to help his friend up. "What happened?" Billy Joe told him, "What ever you do - don't talk about his ears!" Just then, the intercom buzzed and the secretary told Billy Joe he could go in. Once again the senior partner ordered Billy Joe to sit down. He leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Joe, "This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes, keen, observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!"

Billy Joe looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar. He looked at the interviewer and said, "You wear contacts!"

He stood up in amazement. "That's awesome perception! How could you tell that from way over there?"

"Its obvious," said Billy Joe, "You can't wear glasses, 'cause you don't have any ears!"

An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying, "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'".

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"

The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"

The guy answers, "A scotch, please".

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar.

Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life," to which the bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken, which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it has been broken in transit. In due time, he received an acknowledgement.

"Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.

"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change y to i and add es."

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep in daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice, "The big sissy."

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before'. He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Tyrone, can you spell 'before'?"

Tyrone stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Tyrone, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Tyrone says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job.

The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test.

Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.

The Doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?"

"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world."

"Wait," said the engineer. "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an organized civilized place from utter chaos?"

"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer...

These are actual letters that kids have written to God. This was done in a Sunday School class and were too cute to miss.

--------------------------

Dear GOD,

Who draws the lines around the countries?

- Nan

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Dear GOD,

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?

- Neil

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Dear GOD,

My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.

- Danny

--------------------------

Dear GOD,

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

- Larry

--------------------------

Dear GOD,

I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.

- Nan

--------------------------

Dear GOD,

If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.

- Mickey D.

--------------------------

Dear GOD,

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.

- Sincerely, Donna

--------------------------

Dear GOD,

Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.

- Tom L.

--------------------------

Dear GOD,

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.

- Bruce

--------------------------

Dear GOD,

Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

- Norma

--------------------------

Dear GOD,

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?

- Jane

--------------------------

Dear GOD,

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

- Sam

--------------------------

Dear GOD,

I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions.

- Ruth M.

--------------------------

Dear God,

Thank You for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

--------------------------

Dear God,

It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but hope You will not hurt him anyway.

--------------------------

Dear God,

If we come back as something please don't let me be Jennifer because I hate her.

--------------------------

Dear God,

I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

--------------------------

Dear God,

Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.

--------------------------

Dear God,

I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.

--------------------------

Dear God,

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!

--------------------------