A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Coming back from a month-long business trip to Asia, a wealthy businessman arrived at the airport where he was fetched by his chauffeur named Jim. On the long drive home, the businessman inquired, "So, Jim, has anything happened while I was away?"

Jim replied, "No, sir. I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning."

The businessman said, "Come now, Jim. I have been away for almost a month. Surely something must have happened in all that time."

Thinking for a moment, Jim said, "Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died a week ago."

"What? Spot is dead? How awful! Well, he is getting on in years anyway and I suppose it had to happen sometime. How did Spot die?"

"The vet said the dog might have died from eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Since when did we leave rotten meat around for the dog to eat?"

"Well, sir, the rotten meat came from the dead horses. They have been rotting for sometime after the barn burned down."

"Good heavens! How in the world did the barn burn down?"

"Probably from the burning embers that blew over from the mansion, sir."

"The mansion? Even my house burned down too? How did it burn down?"

"Well, sir. I think somebody might have knocked over a lighted candle."

"Oh wait a moment! We don't need candles to light the mansion! What were the candles doing there?"

"They were there for the wake, sir."

"Wake? What wake?"

"Your mother's, sir. She passed away quite suddenly."

"Oh my Lord! Mother's dead! The mansion is gone along with the barn. Even Spot is dead. What did Mother die of, Jim?"

"It must have been the shock, sir."

"The shock?"

"Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the gardener the day after you left. But aside from that, it's been fairly quiet while you've been away, sir."

Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries - "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!"

It was election time and the politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.

"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting, "Hoya Hoya."

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.

"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting, "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

Two little boys were engaging in the time honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.

"My Father is better than your Father!"

"No, he's not!"

"My brother is better than you brother!"

"He is not! He is not!!!"

"My Mother is better than your Mother!"

A long pause ensued...

"...Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my father say the same thing more than once..."

Employee : Boss can I have the day off tomorrow?
Boss : So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for :

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.

This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

Psychiatrists say that 1 out of every 4 people are mentally ill...

Check 3 friends, if they're okay, you're *it*.

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought it was worth trying.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old fellow, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into his coffee and took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over his plate, and then he took a seat at the counter with buddies...

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly paid his bill and left the diner.

One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

Shaking her head, she replied, "No... not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

GOD created the DONKEY and told him, 'You will work tireless from sunrise up to sunset, carrying heavy bags on your back, you will eat grass. You will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY!'

The DONKEY answered, 'I will be a DONKEY, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years!' and God gave him 20 years.

GOD created DOG and told him, 'You will look after man's house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years. You will be a DOG.'

The DOG answered, 'GOD, living 25 years is too much, give only 10 years!' and GOD gave him 10 years.

GOD created the MONKEY and told him, 'You will jump from branch to branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a MONKEY!'

The MONKEY answered, 'GOD, living 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years!' and GOD gave him 10 years.

Finally, GOD created MAN and told him, 'You will be a MAN, the only rational being on this earth and you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.'

The MAN answered, 'GOD I will be a man but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the DONKEY refused, the 15 years that the DOG didn't want and the 10 years that the MONKEY refused?'

That was exactly what GOD did, and since then : MAN lives 20 years like a MAN, then he gets married and spends 30 years like a DONKEY, working and carrying the load on his back, then when his children leave he spends 15 years like DOG looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him. Then he gets old, retires and spends 10 years like a MONKEY, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse his grandchildren.

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah! excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Anyone who sends this back to me I will send back to you, so please do!

1. What do you think of me? :
2. On a Scale from 1 - 10, how nice am I to you? :
3. Do I seem caring? :
4. Outgoing or shy? :
5. Funny or serious? :
6. Sweet or mean? :
7. Singing, or dancing? :
8. Colorful or gray? :
9. Smart or stupid? :
10. Faithful or faithless? :
11. Goody-goody, naughty-naughty, or in between? :
12. Weird or gifted? :
13. Which celebrity is most like me? :
14. Do you like being friends with me? :
15. What's my Spice name? :
16. Dark or a bright person? :
17. Do you consider me one of your good friends? :
18. How would you describe me to someone else? :
19. Cheater or loyal? :
20. Guy-crazed or girl-crazed or laid-back? :
21. Sk8er or Preppy? :
22. Chatty or quiet? :
23. Do you think I'm ugly, OK, or cute? :
24. What's your prediction for my future? :
25. Internet junkie or writing freak? :
26. Poetic or logical? :
27. Annoyingly hyper or cutely hyper? :
28. Do you ever think of me on-line? :
29. Will we be friends in the future? :
30. Would you ever take a bullet for me? :
31. A kind of person you would ever date? :
32. Would you stick up for me in a fight? :
33. Partier, semi-partier, or party pooper? :
34. What's my best personality like feature? :

Send the filled out copy back to me, then send an empty one to all of your friends.

Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers.

One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked!

He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked, murmuring.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

A judge was interviewing a man regarding his pending divorce.

He asked the man, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

The man replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running past it."

"No," the judge said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," the man responded.

"I mean," the judge continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and my wife's parents live here, too."

The judge asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," the man replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please tell me," the judge tried again. "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Mister, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," the man replied. "I've never wanted a divorce -- my wife does. She said she can't communicate with me."

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come on over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this here. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work?"

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to form two queues -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

After a young man had grown up and become a man, he and his father were seated in front of the TV, during a football game.

During halftime exercises, his dad remarked, "Son, every time I gave you a whipping when you were bad, you would go into the bathroom and spend about 30 minutes, scrubbing the toilet. You got it spotlessly clean, and I could never figure out why you did that."

Without taking his eyes off the TV, the young man replied, "I was just getting even with you, for whipping me."

The father, startled, replied, "How? By cleaning the toilet?"

"No," the son answered, "by scrubbing it with YOUR TOOTHBRUSH."

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

Well, Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty," so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'"

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, although God alone knows why it would want to.

The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.

      -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

"Master, why is the letter 'i' the symbol for current?"

"Because there is no letter 'i' in the word 'current'."

"Master, why do we use the letter 'j' for sqrt(-1)?"

"Because we use the letter 'i' for current."

Whereupon the Master struck the Disciple, and the Disciple became enlightened.

Here's how the professors of different subjects define the same word KISS in different ways :


Professor of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.

Professor of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.

Professor of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Professor of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Professor of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.

Professor of Physiology : Kiss is the just a position of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.

Professor of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Professor of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Professor of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.

Professor of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Professor of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Professor of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Professor of Computer Science : What is a kiss? It looks to be an undefined variable.

Professor of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.