Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied : "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'"

Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left.

The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side : his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday."

For those of us with hearing difficulties...

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it is state of the art.

"What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

Telephone
Television
Tell-a-woman

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.

"Hey bartender," said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."

"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer : "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"

The Engineer responded : "Oh... that's where we put the jack."

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.

The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but, I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars... following him.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer."

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the ass on the back of the horse, instead of on top."

The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.

One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man.

He can't believe it, then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him.

Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says, "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

Me   : Hello

AT&T : Hello, this is AT&T...

Me   : Is this AT&T?

AT&T : Yes, this is AT&T...

Me   : This is AT&T?

AT&T : Yes This is AT&T...

Me   : Is this AT&T?

AT&T : YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me   : May I ask who is calling?

AT&T : This is AT&T.

Me   : OK, hold on.

    At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me   : Hello?

AT&T : Is this Mr. Line?

Me   : May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T : Yes this is AT&T...

Me   : Is this AT&T?

AT&T : Yes this is AT&T...

Me   : This is AT&T?

AT&T : Yes, is this Mr. Line?

Me   : Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T : Yes sir.

Me   : The phone company?

AT&T : Yes sir.

Me   : I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T : Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me   : I already have a phone.

AT&T : We aren't selling phones today Mr. Line.

Me   : Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

    When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T : Mr. Line we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

    Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me   : Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T : (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me   : 7 days a week?

AT&T : That's right.

Me   : 365 days a year?

AT&T : Yes sir.

Me   : I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T : We think so!

Me   : That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T : Yes sir, its amazing how it ads up.

Me   : OK, so will you send me cheques weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T : Excuse me?

Me   : You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T : What are you talking about?

Me   : You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T : Oh no sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me   : Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T : Well, yes this is AT&T sir but...

Me   : But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T : No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for...

Me   : THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T : Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

Me   : Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T : What?

Me   : I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T : Yes Mr. Line. Please hold on.

    So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food :

Supervisor : Mr. Line?

Me   : Yeth?

Supervisor : I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me   : Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor : Yes sir, it sure is.

    I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me   : No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor : OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me   : Thank you.

    I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T : Hello Mr. Line, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me   : Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T : (click)

So I get this offer in the mail - "Switch to Sprint and get $35 credit on your next phone bill."

I figure, "Why not? $35 is good money for a phone call."

So I call Sprint and make the switch.

Two weeks later I get an offer from AT&T - "We want you back - switch and get $25 credit".

Thinking, "Sure, why not," I put the offer aside, but forget to follow up.

A week later a $75 check arrives from AT&T - "Endorse and cash this check, and we switch you back."

Can't argue with that. So I cash it and we're back with AT&T.

Another two weeks pass and I get a call from Sprint –

Sprint Lady : "We want you back at Sprint."

Me          : "What incentive are you offering."

Sprint Lady : "Better service and prices than AT&T."

Me          : "But AT&T just paid me $75."

Sprint Lady : "I can't give you any money, but listen, SWITCH BACK TO SPRINT NOW AND THEN AT&T WILL SEND YOU ANOTHER $75 - THEN GO BACK TO AT&T! WE'RE HAPPY TO HAVE AT&T SPEND THEIR MONEY ON YOU."

Really, that's what she said. I gave her full points for creative marketing and agreed to go back to Sprint.

Sure enough, yesterday a check arrives from AT&T - but only for $25.

Then that night I get a "Please switch back" call from AT&T.

Me          : "I got your $25 check today - what's the best you can offer me?"

AT&T Guy    : "The screen says I can offer $75."

Me          : "Make it a hundred and you've got a deal."

AT&T Guy    : "I can't go over $75, but I'll tell you what - GO AHEAD AND CASH THE $25 CHECK ANYWAY AND I'LL ALSO SEND YOU $75 IN CREDIT CERTIFICATES."

Really, that's what he said. So, you guessed it, we're back with AT&T.

So I'm thinking, this is a great business. Why not install a few dozen phone lines and earn a living just swapping long distance carriers? On average I could probably net $50 per line per month. But why stop there? How about starting a company that handles long distance company switching for the public? I could sign people up giving me discretion of which LD company to use, and take 20% of the incentive fee, passing 80% back to the consumer.

Of course, then some enterprising soul will start a competing company and offer my switchers an incentive to switch to his switching company.

A fellow goes to a gypsy-fortune teller who says, "For twenty dollars, I'll read your future and you can ask three questions."

"About what?"

"About anything," she says.

"Isn't twenty dollars a lot of money?"

"Not too much. Now what is your last question?"

Manager : Sorry, but I can't give you a job. I don't need much help.

Job Applicant : That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday?

Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

The hare-lipped toothbrush salesman comes in to his manager's office to give a report on his first week at work.

"Well, how'd you do?" asks the manager.

"Well thir, I thold two toothbrutheth," replied the salesman.

"Two!?!" shouts the manager. "You're never going to make a living that way."

"Well thir, I don't know what to do, people juth won't buy my toothbrutheth."

The manager thinks and says, "Sounds to me like you need a gimmick."

The salesman asks, "Whath's a geemick?"

The manager explains, "A gimmick is something you use to entice, excite and motivate your customer about your product or service. A jingle, a slogan, something to make your customer feel a need for your product or service."

The salesman goes, "Hmm, I gueth I'll have to get me a geemick."

The salesman returns at the end of the next week to give his report.

The manager asks, "Well son, how'd you do this week?"

The salesman beams, "Well thir, I thold 185,353 toothbrutheth."

The manager leaps up, "My gosh, what did you do?"

The salesman grins and says, "I took your advith and got me a geemick."

The manager excited now, says, "Well out with it son. What's your gimmick? We need to pass this on to the rest of the staff. We'll make millions!"

The salesman says, "Well thir, I found me a real bithy thtreet corner and I thet up a table and a chair. On the table I put out thum chipth and dip. People would come up to the corner waiting to croth the thtreet and I would thay, 'Hey, while you're waiting, how about thun chipth and dip?' They would thay, 'Thure!' Then they would take a chip, get 'em thum dip and thtart to eat it. Then they would say, "Hey thith tath like thit!" I would say, "It ith thit. Want to buy a toothbruth?"

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together.

"How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"

"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"

An Indian went into the grocery store for the week's supplies and asked if there was any toilet paper.

"Sure thing," said the proprietor, " We've got Sorbent, Double Soft, Smooth Edge, Crinkle Cut, Non Slip and No-Name."

"What's this No-Name?" asked the Indian.

"Just no brand name, but half the price of the rest."

"I'll take ten rolls," said the Indian.

A week later, he was back in the store.

"Remember me?"

"Sure. You are the bloke who bought the toilet paper."

"Yes," said the Indian, "And I've got a name for it now. You should call it the John Wayne Toilet Paper."

"How's that?" asked the proprietor.

"Because it's tough, its rough, and it sure takes no shit from Indians."

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.

"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "Oh, that was the screen saver."

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.

My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave a nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and throws up all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

Finally here's one smartassy jingle in English...

Birdy, birdy in the sky
Why you poo poo in my eye
I didn't sigh, I didn't cry
Thank God, Cow's don't fly!

Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.

"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."

(What were you thinking!??!)

"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

"Join our fast-paced company"
We have no time to train you.

"Casual work atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"Some overtime required"
Some every night and some every weekend.

"Duties will vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an eye for detail"
We have no quality assurance.

"Career-minded"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"Apply in person"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

"Problem-solving skills a must"
You're walking into perpetual chaos.

"Requires team leadership skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good communication skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization"
I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'm honest, hard-working and dependable"
I pilfer office supplies.

"I take pride in my work"
I blame others for any mistakes.

"I'm personable"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I am very adaptable"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I am on the go"
I'm never at my desk.

"I'm highly motivated to succeed"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road, big mouth, you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that crap with me!'"

A Texan dies and goes to hell. While down there the devil notices that the Texan is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 100 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the Texan and asks why he's so happy.

The Texan says, "I really like it here. The temperature is just like Dallas in June."

The devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to fix him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 120 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for the Texan. He finds him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be. The devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy.

The Texan says, "This is even better. It's like Houston in July."

The devil, now really upset, decides to make the Texan really understand that hell is no paradise. He walks over to the controls and turns the heat up to 140 degrees and the humidity to 100%.

"Now let's see what the Texan is up to," he thinks.

So he goes looking for the Texan. The devil finds the Texan taking his shirt off basking in the heat, even happier than before. The devil can't figure it out. He asks the Texan why he's happy now.

The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just like Brownsville in August."

The devil says, "That's it, I'll get this guy."

He walks over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees below zero.

"Now let's see what the Texan has to say about this," the devil thinks to himself.

He looks around and finds the Texan jumping up and down for joy.

"What are you so happy about now," ask the devil.

Still excited, the Texan replies, "The Rangers have finally won the world series!"

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son : "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad       : "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds : "Wife wanted".

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing : "You can have mine."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire."

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!"

His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

A man was complaining to a friend : "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! It was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked his friend.

"My wife found out."

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Honey, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!"

She replies, "Should I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care, just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

A couple was having a discussion about family finances.

Finally, the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

First guy  : (proudly) "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here."

The message received by wife, "I wish you were her."


A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as, "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."

A woman had tickets to game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals right at center ice. As she sits down, a man comes down & asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her.

"No," she says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

She says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take the seat?"

The woman shakes her head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it says the first man. I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.

Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"

"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."

A boy applied for a job as a public toilet attendant. He was told he would be given the job after he filled out the form, but the boy replied that he could not write. The interviewer then informed him that he did not qualify. On the way home the boy saw some apples that were underpriced and bought them. He sold them for double the price. As the years passed, he ended up becoming a millionaire who owned a chain of twenty fruit stores.

One day his bank manager asked him to sign some papers.

"Sorry," he said. "I can't write. My wife looks after all that."

"You're kidding!" said the banker. "What would you have become if you could write?"

The millionaire thought for a moment and said : "a public toilet attendant."

This is a love letter from a boy to a girl... However, the girl's father does not like him and want them to stop the relationship...

So the boy wrote this letter to the little girl.

1 "The great love that I have for you
2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3 grows every day. When I see you,
4 I do not even like your face;
5 the one thing that I want to do is to
6 look at other girls. I never wanted to
7 marry you. Our last conversation
8 was very boring and has not
9 made me look forward to seeing you again.
10 You think only of yourself
11 If we were married, I know that I would find
12 life very difficult, and I would have no
13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14 to give, but it is not something that
15 I want to give to you. No one is more
16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17 able to care for me and help
18 I sincerely want you to understand that
19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20 if you think this the end. Do not try
21 to answer this. Your letters are full of
22 things that do not interest me. You have no
23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25 I am still your boyfriend."

So bad... However, the boy told the girl before to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES", meaning only to read only the odd numbered lines!

In the journal of my heart,
I have written a journal entry,
Debiting your love, and crediting my affection,
Darling, you write the narration.

Your first love, I have already indicated,
In the ledger folio column,
Any way our relations are based on,
Double entry system.

And as our love is real and tangible,
You debit what comes in,
I credit what goes out,
Your beauty is capital of our business,
My eyes are stock in trade,
Let us,enter into partnership.

You secretly give me trade discount,
I will openly give you cash discount,
And thus my partner,
Our trading and profit and loss account
Will show super profit.

On the cheque of your lips,
I have endorsed all my wealth,
Get them enchased with my banker,
Any time you desire to do so,
The little counter of my heart,
Will remain open for you,
Even during non banking hours.

Darling you are just like a contra entry,
You are on my debit side,
And credit side both at the same time,
And so my dear,
Let us rectify all errors and total trial balance,
Of our affairs arithemetically
Without maintaining any suspense account.

In the balance of our life,
My children will be assets,
If they are boys let us call them,
Sundry debtors.
Your children will be liabilities,
If they are girls we will call them,
Sundry creditors.

But if they are boy and a girl,
Our balance sheet will tally automatically.
And the auditors will certify,
"The accounts show a true and
Fair view of lovely business conducted,
During the life ending."

Lady           : Is this my train?

Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady           : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to Kuala Lumpur.

Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

Husband : "That's the third time I've had to replace the clutch."

Wife : "Well don't blame me. I never use it!"

A motorist passing by a Joggers' park noticed a young man running full speed with two fierce Alsatian dogs at his heels. Immediately he drove side by side and in one swift motion braked and opened the door shouting, "Get in, get in, fast."

After the youth regained his breath, he said, "Sir, you are very kind ever, since I started jogging you are the first animal lover to welcome me and my pet dogs in your car!!"

Once a doctor was arguing with a garageman for taking a very high price to fix his car.

Doctor : "This bill is to high".

Garageman : "So is yours."

Doctor : "But I treat living while you treat machines."

Garageman : "Yeah! But you treat the same model all throughout your life while we get new models every year!"

Man : Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman : Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man : Is this seat empty?
Woman : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man : Your place or mine?
Woman : Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man : So, what do you do for a living?
Woman : I'm a female impersonator.

Man : I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman : But would you stay there?

So, next time think before u flirt with a woman!

When you have nothing to say,
But still want to keep in touch,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!

When you have something to say,
But don't know what,
Or don't know how,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!

When you have something to say,
But don't know why,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!

When you have something to say,
But don't have enough time,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!

When you are still wanted,
When you are still remembered,
When you are still important,
When you are still loved,
When you are still cared for,
Guess what you get?
A FORWARDED MAIL!!!

There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the rabbi to talk with the boys and he agreed.

The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. So the mother sent the younger to the rabbi. The rabbi sat the boy down across his impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.

The rabbi pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then said nothing.

Again, louder, the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing.

A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you, where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.

He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"

His brother replied, "I'm telling' ya', we're in BIG trouble. God is missing and they think we did it!!!"

To Miss/Mr ______

The first day I met you, you smiled,
and I was not able to understand the importance
like an idiot. You always look to me as a
good honest girl and I hope my love is not an
object of contempt. It is true I always said
that I will remain a Bachelor, that is before
I loved you. That idea was just
spoken in a fit of optimism; It was
rubbish after seeing. I regretted
the days I did not speak to you or when not
seeing your pulverising beauty. If I proposed
I have a big doubt whether
you would accept. A negative reply should not
come from your cherry pink lips, and so
make my life miserable. To die
without expressing my love for you
would be preferable to that. Correspondence
are the only source of comfort for me knowing it
is a sheer waste of time with you. If you write to me
I shall be happy, but if you do not communicate
I shall be miserable and gloomy, for your letters
are a source of pleasure and failure to get them
always make me feel like committimg suicide.
With love and kisses,

It is always said, that to get an inner meaning, we have to read in between lines. It is not so in this case. Read ALTERNATE LINES, starting from "The first day....." and come to your own conclusion. :)

CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour...

PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever...

BOY  : Don't you ever want to improve???

Peter : Mom, does God use our bathroom?

Mother : No, Peter. Why?

Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells, "Oh god, are you still there?"

Woman2 : Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1 : Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2 : Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1 : Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2 : Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1 : Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Man2 : Haircut?

Man1 : Yeah.

It was a beautiful Sunday Morning in May and Reverend Jones decided to play hooky from his regular Sunday service. He called his back-up on the phone, pretending to be ill. The back-up gladly agreed to fill in for Reverend Jones. Reverend Jones drove to a course 40 miles away from his Church, to guarantee that no one would see him playing golf while he was supposed to be ill. The course was empty; everyone was at Church.

At the same time, up in heaven, Saint Peter leaned over to God and said, "Are you gonna punish him for this?"

God nodded his head.

Reverend Jones hits his drive on the first tee and watched the ball sail through the air, land two feet from the hole, slowly roll, hit the pin and fall into the hole. It was a 420 yard HOLE-IN-ONE!!!

Saint Peter shrieked at the top of his lungs... "I can't believe you let him make that shot! You call that punishment???"

God nodded his head, saying, "Who's he gonna tell?"

A Chinese man went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he was amazed to see that he was sitting next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg.

After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the director.

Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?"

The director ranted : "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbour, you ##@!!*#! My dad perished in that bombing!"

"I am not Japanese, you stupid **~##!?*! I am Chinese!"

"Yeah yeah yeah... Japanese, Burmese, Chinese,... you are all the same," retorted Spielberg.

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat to the floor.

"What was that for?" exclaimed the director.

"That's for sinking the Titanic! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese replied.

"You ignorant chink! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!" shouted the director.

"Yeah yeah yeah... Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg,... you are all the same!"

Not to be recited in Church!!!

Cheers!

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For Thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,

Forever and ever, Barmen

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, and the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, and minutes later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Hi folks,
Here are some bathroom grafitis. You may choose to write the ones you like the most in your bathroom. Take your risk before writing it on the wall.

I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

(Written high upon the wall)

If you can piss above this line,... the Nairobi Fire Department wants you.

(Sign posted in a bathroom)

We aim to please!
You aim too! Please!

(Seen above a urinal)

Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!

(On the inside of a toilet door)

Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

(Another sign seen at a swimming pool)

Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it. Please keep it that way.

(In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant)

It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into shit.
It only takes Burger King 10 minutes.

(Sign seen at a restaurant)

The hands that clean these toilets also make your food......... please aim properly.

(Here's one seen above a urinal)

look up
look up

(even higher on the wall)

keep looking up

(on the ceiling)

Quick! Look down! You're pissing on your shoes!

Here I sat
broken hearted,
Trying to shit,
But I only farted!!!

Here I sit
What a caper
I have to shit
But I'm out of paper.

You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit in my pants!

A sign I saw at a swimming pool :
We don't swim in your toilet,
so please don't pee in our pool!