Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.

They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly :
   One chalk mark - $1
   Knowing where to put it - $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

A rabbi happened to be looking out of the synagogue's open door when he saw a familiar face. All at once it dawned on him where he had seen the man before. He rushed out and grabbed the passerby.

"Swindler! Thief!" the rabbi hollered. "Only yesterday I saw you begging in front of the Catholic church. Today you're begging at the entrance to a synagogue. What are you, Catholic or Jew?"

"A Jew," the beggar gulped. "But in these hard times, who can make a living from only one religion?!"

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was quite skillful at counting money and adding up figures.

"Where did you get your finance education?" he asked.

"Yale," replied the lad.

"And what's your name?" asked the manager.

"Yim Yohnston," he replied.

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow... that looks deep."

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here... throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement.

One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey... over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT thing in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.

The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here!"

The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.

Oh, nothing really, I just realized how dumb you are. You came here for the food!"

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn : New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window : Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator : Boston

One hand on Latte', one finger in nose, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game : Seattle

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Taiwan Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along.

After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, "I don't like Chinese."

The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?"

The Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

The F.O. says, "Nooooo, noooo....... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.

And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, they're all alike."

Another thirty minutes of silence.

Finally the F.O. says, "No like Jew."

The Captain replies, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

F.O. says, "Jews sink Titanic."

The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

The F.O. replies, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same."

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity : looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man - you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Old Sol was in the hospital, near death. Sol had always been a religious man, so his family called their rabbi to stand with them. As the rabbi stood next to the bed, Sol's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The rabbi lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Sol used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The rabbi thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the service, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Sol died. He reached into the pocket and pulled out Sol's note.

He said, "You know, Sol handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it yet, but knowing Sol, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Rabbi, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy!" so he floors it and the race is on. The cars race down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, "What the heck..." and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were trying to give her back to me!"

The cop left with a smile on his face... EXCUSED!

A guy walks into a diner and asks for a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

So, he gets a cup of coffee instead. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.

He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. You can have it."

The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention.

"Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him.

Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward.

"Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more.

"You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

A tourist in Ireland decides to skip out on the tour group, despite warnings about terrorists. He slips out the rear entrance of his hotel and is walking down the alley towards the bright lights of a nearby pub when hands reach out of the darkness, a knife is put to his throat and a man's voice whispers an urgent question in his ear.

"Catholic or Protestant?"

The New Yorker thinks quickly.

"I'm Jewish," he exclaims.

He feels the knife pressed even closer to his throat.

"Allah be praised," whispers the terrorist. "I've got to be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland!"

Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said.

"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered.

He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman, "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?"

The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.

Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.

"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"

Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the morning!"

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list.

He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list.

He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

So one guy says to another guy, "Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day..."

Right away, his friend interrupts him, "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"

So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."

An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble. The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch.

When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose.

When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat.

The game proceeded and the inmates were well behaved.

When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.

Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. When he came back, there was a riot going on.

The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?"

"Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled, 'Peanuts'!"

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders.

"And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.

"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $6,000."

"What did he have?"

"About $6,000."

Psychiatrist to patient : "We've made great strides in your case Mr. Blumberg. Originally it was thought that phobias such as this were a result of a chemical imbalance in the brain. Now we've progressed to the point where we don't know what causes it."

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic.

My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"

Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia.

He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

An elderly man by the name of Mr. Finkelstein was laying on his deathbed, with his son at his bedside.

The old man said suddenly, "It's time! Send for the Priest."

The son said, "The Priest! Dad, I think you mean the rabbi. We're Jewish."

"Get the Priest! Get the Priest!" the dying man repeated agitatedly.

"Dad, your illness must be affecting your mind," the son replied, patting his father on the shoulder. "I will call the rabbi."

The old man insisted, "If you have ANY love for your father, you will do as I have asked."

So, reluctantly, the son did his father's bidding, and soon thereafter, the Priest arrived and converted the old man to the Catholic faith.

Moments later, the rabbi knocked on the door.

The son said, "Rabbi, I am afraid you are too late. The Priest has already been here."

The rabbi rushed over to the old man's beside and he asked in dismay, "HOW could you do it? WHY did you do it?"

The old man looked up and replied, "Well, Rabbi, I figured that if someone had to die, better one of them than one of us."

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason : Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

While my friend was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.

Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts : "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says : "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in business."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," screams the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault!"

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"

For people learning to speak with a "Bawstin" i.e Boston accent. The following contains some of the better excerpts :

Pahty     : A place to go to drink and socialize - nothing to do with Mother Nature.

ah        : The letter between "q" & "s."

ahnt      : Sistah of your fathah or muthah.

bah       : Serves beah and hahd likkah : "The train to Noo Yok has a bah cah."

bayah     : Ferocious

bon       : As in : "Where were you bon?"

bzah      : Strange, odd.

Chahlz    : The rivah.

chowdah   : Clams, milk, buttah.

Con       : Stahchy veggie that comes on a cob.

connah    : Where streets intersect.

fah       : Not neah heah.

fok       : What you eat pahster with.

fyah      : Blaze

Gahden    : What they're tearing down this yeah.

hahbah    : What they dumped tea into in 1773.

Hahvid    : Country day school across the rivah.

hahf-ahst : Done without regahd to detail.

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this KGB?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"

"Yes."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yes, they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.

The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!"

The plumber quietly replied, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."

My boss asked me for a letter describing my partner Bob Smith, and this is what I wrote :

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

S.D. - Project Leader

Shortly afterward I sent the following follow-up note :
That bastard Bob was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc.) for my true assessment.

Regards,
S.D.

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man.

The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man.

The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one, Dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

There were two old boys who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.

One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

So they got that, and they took off.

In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back.

Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The fellow couldn't stand it any longer.

"By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

It was in the mid 1930's somewhere in Germany. A certain Jewish gentleman was walking down the street minding his own business when a big black limousine pulls up and screeches to a halt. Out pops Mr. Adolf Hitler, complete with brown shirt and swastika armband. He is holding a pistol that he points at the Jew. "JEW!!!" He screeches, "Down on the ground and eat shit!!" The Furher points to a pile of excrement lying on the sidewalk. The Jew isn't real thrilled about what's happening, but decides to save his neck and starts eating. Hitler thinks that this is the funniest thing in the world, and so starts laughing and laughing. He laughs so hard, the pistol drops out of his hand and falls to the sidewalk. The Jew is nobody's fool. He grabs the gun, points it at Hitler's head, and makes Hitler get down and eat the shit. While the leader of the un-free world is thus occupied, the Jew wisely makes his escape and heads home.

When he enters his house, he sees his wife and says, "Honey, you'll never guess who I had lunch with today."

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the near-by town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. And though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts. The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work, and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that damned fire truck!!!"

A nursery school teacher asks her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

The first little girl answers, "The sky is definitely blue," but the teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange, or purple and pink."

A second little boy answers, "Trees are definitely green."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Timmy, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK", says Johnny, "then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants!"

After spending 3 and a 1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.

"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped.

Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

This German couple moved to South Africa, the husband liked his golf and joined his fellow employees for a round of golf. After playing an excellent 18 holes the German decided to go for a stroll around the course, he found a little spot near the edge of the bush where wild mushrooms were growing in the area and decided to pick a few to take home. Knowing that some mushrooms are deadly he cooked a few and gave them to the workers mangy hound, a few hours passed and the dog appeared to be ok. He instructed the workers too keep an eye on the dog to see if any thing happened to it. That night the dog was still well so he decided to cook the mushrooms and the family sat down to enjoy their supper. After they had eaten the worker came running into the house and announced that the dog was dead! The father panicked and forced the whole family to drink salt water and any damn opening medicine he could lay his hands on. After a very trying evening of the squirts and heaving, he asked the worker what were the symptoms the dog showed, did the dog just drop dead or did it cramp up first.

The worker told him that the dog died as soon as the car hit it!!!

ARTERY           : The study of painting
BACTERIA         : The back door of the cafeteria
BARIUM           : What doctors do when patients die
BOWEL            : A letter like A, E, I, O, or U
CESAREAN SECTION : A neighborhood in Rome
CAT SCAN         : A Search for a kitty
CAUTERIZE        : Made eye contact with her
COLIC            : A sheep dog
D & C            : Where Washington is
DILATE           : To live long
ENEMA            : Not a friend
FESTER           : Quicker
GENITAL          : Not a Jew
G.I.SERIES       : A Soldiers Ball Game
HANGNAIL         : A coat hook
IMPOTENT         : Distinguished, well known
LABOR PAIN       : Getting hurt at work
MEDICAL STAFF    : A doctor's cane
MORBID           : A higher offer
NITRATES         : Cheaper than day rates
NODE             : Was aware of
OUTPATIENT       : A patient who has fainted
PAP SMEAR        : An insult to your father
PELVIS           : A cousin to Elvis
POST OPERATIVE   : A letter carrier
RECOVERY ROOM    : A place to do reupholstery
RECTUM           : Dang near killed 'em
SEIZURE          : A Roman Emperor
TABLET           : A small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS : Getting sick at the airport
TUMOR            : More than one
URINE            : You're included
VARICOSE         : Nearby

Sir William Scrooplinger was a seventy-two year old multi millionaire (in GB£). He was widowed and recently had taken a new bride. At his exclusive club he ran into an old school chum.

"I say Bill," the alumnis queried. "How did you get a nineteen year old girl to marry you when you are seventy-two?"

"Quite simple, old chap," Sir William replied, "I told her I was ninety."

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem...

Priest : Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

Sister : I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.

Ten minutes later...

Sister : Father, I'm terribly cold...

Priest : Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

Sister : Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest : Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

Sister : Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night...

Priest : You're probably right... get up and get your own damn blanket.

During a party a lady admirer asks Erap : "If you ever become president, how would you want us to address you?"

Erap replies : "Polk Street in San Juan."

"No," the lady explains, "I mean, how should we call you?"

"Call me? Same phone number in San Juan," is Erap's answer.

On board an Air Force plane that Erap had commandeered to pursue a group of kidnappers on another plane, the pilot tells Erap : "Sir, enemy plane coming in at 5 o'clock."

Erap replies : "Good. We have time to plan our moves. It's only 4 :25 by my watch."

One late evening, while leading his anti-kidnapping team in tracking down a notorious criminal group that had reportedly holed out in a forest, Erap notices a movement in the bushes.

He trains his flashlight on a figure and shouts, "Freeze!"

As the figure stops dead in his tracks, Erap's assistant whispers to him : "Sir, that person is head of our advance party."

Hearing this, Erap turns to the person and shouts : "Okay, defrost!"

At a testimonial dinner in honor of a former Senator who was half an hour late for the ceremony, Erap announces the honoree's arival.

"Finally, here comes the late Senator de la Cruz."

After finishing the main course at a dinner meeting, Erap is asked if he would like another serving.

Erap replies politely : "No thank you. I'm fed up already."

Coffee shop in New York. Erap is thinking of what to order.

The man to his left asks for "Coffee and Danish."

The man to his right, "Coffee and English."

Erap, with confidence and pride : "Coffee and Filipino!"

At a dinner party the hostess asks her guests if they would care to try her imported steak.

A vegetarian, the man seated next to Erap politely replies, "Thank you, but I'm afraid not."

Erap tells the hostess, "I'll try it. I'm not afraid."

During Mass at the wake for a politician-friend, Erap whispers to his companions that they have to leave.

His companions tell him that it would be impolite to leave in the middle of the mass, and that the family may resent his leaving before the coffin is brought out of the Church -- until Erap explains : "Let's get out of here, We can't stay here. Delicado. See the sign? REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED."

A guy goes to see his grandmother and takes one of his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.

As they're leaving, the friend says, "Thanks for the peanuts."

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

         ___,
       _.-'` __|__           I Need Your Help!!!
     .'  ,-:` \;',`'-,
    /  .'-;_,;  ':-;_,'.     I saw a report recently, about how 
   /  /;   '/    ,  _`.-\    gravity, which is a non-renewable 
  |  | '`. (`     /` ` \`|   resource, is gradually diminishing.
  |  |:.  `\`-.   \_   / |
  |  |     (   `,  .`\ ;'|   Top scientists agree...
   \  \     | .'     `-'/    "With the present rate of consumption,
    \  `.   ;/        .'      the earth's supply of gravity will 
     '._ `'-._____.-'`        be exhausted before the 24th century."
        `-.____|             
          _____|_____        There is a direct link between the 
         /___________\       vanishing of the ozone layer and 
                             decrease in the earth's gravity supply.
                             We're already seeing the effects of the 
                             disappearance of the ozone layer, but 
                             we're not likely to see the effects of 
                             vanishing gravity during our lifetimes.
                             However, our children will probably 
                             have to deal with the issue.

It is interesting to think of some of the results science has yet to consider. The obvious impact will be on engineering (like keeping bridges and buildings weighted down), but what about sports? Breaking records for the high jump will become easier. Football kicks will likely grow longer and an 82-yard field goal will not be unheard of. Limbo dancing will be more difficult and even Louis Anderson will be able to run the hurdles.

Until scientists discover a cheaper alternative, we need to help...

Follow these simple suggestions :

(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like curling.
(4) Avoid showers... take baths instead.
(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet... Keep them in one big pile.
(6) Stop flipping pancakes.

This guy is at the airport waiting for his flight which leaves at 6:00 but he has forgotten his watch, so he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots this guy walking past carrying 2 suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time.

The guy replies, "Sure, which country?"

Our fellow asks, "How many countries have you got?" to which the reply is "All the countries in the world!"

"Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."

"That's nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!"

"Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one... You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"

"Well, actually the novelty has worn off by now, so for $900, if you want it, it's yours!"

Our watchless traveler can hardly whip out his cheque book fast enough, and hands over a cheque for $900. The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him.

"Congratulations, here is your new high tech watch!" and then handing the 2 suitcases over as well he says, "and here are the batteries!"

There was a Latino man looking for job.

The boss asked, "Do you speak English?"

"Yes, Senor," he replied.

The boss continued, "I will test your comprehension, make a sentence with these three words : Green, pink and yellow."

The Latino man laughed, "That's easy, Senor. Here it is : The phone GREENS, I PINK it up and say YELLOW."

"This is Captain Johnson speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."

A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He sloshes through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones.

"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."

"Bullshit! There's no such place!"

Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes, it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on this feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.

The lady was insulted; "You Americans are so rude," she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there?"

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down," he said.

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant," she said.

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?"

The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.

"Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

"We've been married ten years today."

"Wonderful - shall I kill a chicken and celebrate?"

"Why punish a poor chicken for something that happened ten years ago?"

Cecilia : You remind me of the sea.

Marvin : Because I'm wild, reckless and romantic?

Cecilia : No. You make me sick!

Secretary : Boss, it's your wife on the phone. She says it's your birthday and she wants to kiss you on the phone.

Boss      : Take the message, Miss Helen, and give it to me later.

A man was boasting to his friend, "You know, I am a well known collector of antiques."

His friend replied, "Yes I know, I have seen your wife."

Customer : How much is that tie?

Salesman : Forty dollars.

Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.

Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.

Johnny : I know an author who took ten years to finish a book.

Steven : That's nothing. I know a prisoner who took twenty years to finish a sentence!

Wife    : You tell a man something : It goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

Husband : You tell a woman something : it goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Sam  : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated.

Lily : So what do you do?

Sam  : I close my eyes.