18 Apr 1988

Two thieves, ages 6 and 8, with mustaches painted on with magic markers, stole a car last week in Florida. When confronted by a policeman, they shifted into "R" (which they thought was "Race") and promptly backed across a road and into a brick wall.

      -- National Public Radio

At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee."
Churchill immediately replied : "And if you were my wife, I'd let you."

Once it was said that Dorothy Parker and Some Fool arrive at a door simultaneously.
The fool motions Parker ahead and says : "Age before beauty."
Parker sweeps through the door without a pause and says over her shoulder : "And pearls before swine."

      -- from "The Book of Insults"

Many People in the computer world are familiar with the argument over hackers "exposing security flaws", and whether or not this is a good thing. Here is an excerpt that shows that this debate is not just a transitory result of technology, but an aspect of the human condition. Note the date at the end.

"A commercial, and in some respects a social, doubt has been started within the last year or two, whether or not it is right to discuss so openly the security or insecurity of locks. Many well-meaning persons suppose that the discussion respecting the means for baffling the supposed safety of locks offers a premium for dishonesty, by showing others how to be dishonest. This is a fallacy. Rogues are very keen in their profession, and already know much more than we can teach them respecting their several kinds of roguery. Rogues knew a good deal about lockpicking long before locksmiths discussed it among themselves, as they have lately done. If a lock -- let it have been made in whatever country, or by whatever maker -- is not so inviolable as it has hitherto been deemed to be, surely it is in the interest of *honest* persons to know this fact, because the *dishonest* are tolerably certain to be the first to apply the knowledge practically; and the spread of knowledge is necessary to give fair play to those who might suffer by ignorance. It cannot be too earnestly urged, that an acquaintance with real facts will, in the end, be better for all parties."

      -- Charles Tomlinson's Rudimentary Treatise
      on the Construction of Locks, published around 1850

This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS :

#1 : "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."
#2 : "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."
#1 : "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course."
#2 : "No, I say again divert YOUR course."
#1 : "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!"
#2 : "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

(true, chuckle)

(From Time Magazine, Milestones section, June 5, 1989)

"SUSPENDED : Robert Tappan Morris, Jr., 23, Cornell University graduate student who last fall bedeviled two national computer networks linking universities, corporations and the military by infecting them with a computer virus. Morris' mischievous software program was apparently intended to produce a slow disruption of the networks. But a minor mistake in the instructions caused the virus to identify secret passwords, shut down systems and replicate itself uncontrollably.

While no criminal charges have been filed against Morris, Cornell barred him from classes until fall 1990."

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under Sheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

SEATTLE :

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.

A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


NEW YORK :

As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."


KENTUCKY :

- License to steal -

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck.

Scared, they left the scene and drove home.

With the chain still attached to the machine.

With their bumper still attached to the chain.

With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

Real Labels - Real Products

TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESSERT - Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box)

MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating.

ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body.

BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate machinery.

NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning : may cause drowsiness.

KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning : keep out of children.

SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning : contains nuts.

AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions : open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAIN SAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS - You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

DIAL SOAP - Directions : Use like regular soap.

On my hairdryer instructions : Do not use while sleeping.

I have a frozen dinner at home that says : Serving suggestion : Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX : fits one head.

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

-----------

Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.
I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

-------------

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf.
In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

-------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman

Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by Representative Dick Armey, who when asked if he were in the President's place, would he resign, responded :

"If I were in the President's place I would not get a chance to resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this damned thing?'"

* Kermit the Frog is left-handed.

* The lifespan of a tastebud is ten days.

* The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F".

* It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is 'shake' and the 46th word from the last word is 'spear'.

* If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.

* In the four major US professional sports, (Baseball, Basketball, Football, and Hockey), there are only seven teams whose nicknames do not end with an "S" :
  Basketball : The Miami Heat, The Utah Jazz, The Orlando Magic.
  Baseball : The Boston Red Sox, The Chicago White Sox.
  Hockey : The Colorado Avalanche, The Tampa Bay Lightning.
  Football : None.

* The ashes of the average cremated person weighs nine pounds.

* In 1986 Danny Heep became the first player in a World Series to be a designated hitter (DH) with the initials "D.H."

* When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to a sellout crowd, the full stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

* Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

* The term "devil's advocate" comes from the Roman Catholic church. When deciding if someone should be sainted, a devil's advocate is always appointed to give an alternative view.

* John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

* Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for "Lord of the Flies", and this is where the book's title comes from.

* Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.

* Dr. Seuss and Kurt Vonnegut went to college together. They were even in the same fraternity, where Seuss decorated the fraternity house walls with drawings of his strange characters.

* The Les Nessman character on the TV series WKRP in Cincinnati wore a band-aid in every episode. Either on himself, his glasses, or his clothing.

* Before Prohibition, Shlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago than anyone else, except The Catholic Church.

* In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only, home run.

1. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
2. Eye Drops Off Shelf
3. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
4. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
5. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
6. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
7. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
8. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
9. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
10. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

The following classified ad was in the Austin American Statesman newspaper, under the pets & livestock, exotic animal section, on Wednesday, 09/10/1997 :

Mixed breed female free to good home. Lazy and sloppy, shots current, house broken, has license, owns transportation. Enjoys music, dancing & late hours, seldom is home. Beautiful markings, 22 yr old daughter answers to 'Dorothy'. Call DP# 625-1448. Mother is fed up and wants a clean house.

CALLUS COLLECTION
Florence Franklin of Peoria, IL, holds the record. As of Sept 12, 1992, Florence had over 200 pounds of callus (sheets of hardened skin) in her collection.
"I shave it off people," Florence told us. "They don't mind. Some people even autograph the big pieces."

RAW KIDNEY (Eating)
Alice Caldwell of Butte, Montana, holds the record. On Oct. 22, 1991, Alice gobbled up more than 14 pounds of raw veal and lamb kidneys.
"Kidneys are a good source of protein and vitamins," Alice told us. "If you cook them, you lose some of the vitamins. As you can see, I don't care about the record - I care about my health."

SOCKS (Continuous Wear)
David Horrigan, of Glen Ridge, NJ, claimed the record in 1989. In a sworn statement, Horrigan has worn the same pair every day for twenty years and 114 days. In 1983, shoe stores throughout New Jersey banned Andy from their premises. Since then he has purchased his shoes through the mail. Andy plans to remove the socks and take a look at his feet in 1999.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
War Dims Hope For Peace

The British were very impressed with a NASA invention that would launch dead chickens at an airplane to simulate mid-air collisions with water fowl. They immediately decided to try it on their own bullet trains. The first time they launched a chicken they sat horrified as it easily penetrated the window and broke the engineer's setback in two. They sent the test results to NASA and begged them for some design input on the problem. NASA wrote back, "Thaw the chicken."


But before NASA feels too proud...

Another NASA invention that became widely popular with people who had more money than things to spend it on was the pen that could write upside down and under water. In the early days of the American space program, NASA received reports from the astronauts that their pens would not write in space. Ball points, fountain pens, even quills, nothing worked! So NASA contacted the people who had supplied the pens and made money available for the production of a pen which would write in space. Eventually, NASA spent over a million dollars to find the answer and a suitable pen was produced, incorporating a small gas filled cylinder which propelled the ink out of the pen. It worked both in space and underwater. The problem was solved, albeit at great expense.

Many years later, when co-operation with the Russians was established, it occurred to someone at NASA to ask how the Russians had solved the problem. "There was no problem," they said, "we used a pencil."

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

A construction worker in Australia is recovering nicely after taking a nail in the brain. A fellow laborer bumped into Travis Bogumill, and the industrial nail gun he was carrying went off, sending a 4-inch nail into his head. Bogumill says he's fine, except for his math ability. Since the accident, he says, "just multiplying 56 by 23 is almost impossible..."

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

IN THE BAG
A "tourist", supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense : "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

In Naples, Italy a man may have mistresses as long as his wife knows and he can afford to maintain his mistresses and his wife at the same time.

Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A conman
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels

We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.

- Dan Quayle, Former U.S. Vice-President

And this guy wants to be President???

OPTIONAL ACCESSORY II :

"Normally accidents like this shouldn't happen," reasoned a Caputh, Germany, police spokesman. A motorist following driving instructions on the satellite navigation computer in his BMW drove down a ferry ramp into the Havel River, he said, without realizing the only way he could cross the river was to wait for the ferry. The 57-year-old driver was not injured. "This sort of thing can happen when people rely too much on technology," the police spokesman said. (Reuters)

...Leading to a required label,

"Warning : User still must watch out window when driving."

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton --

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to FAX anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to FAX a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp :
Caller : "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech : "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller : "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech : "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller : "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech : "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller : "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

* If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

* If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

* On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

* The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmm..... I won't touch THAT one!)

* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. (Too bad)

* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (And which university paid for this research - and how did they get the beer bottles so small???)

* Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew...? Who cares!)

* The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (I don't know who did the math on this but if the average human was, let's say, 5'6", then it would be about six and a half football fields.)

* A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy)

* Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez! Something I always wanted to know.)

* Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing...)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

* Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)

* The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (OMG!)

After Fred Astaire's first screen test, the memo from the testing director of MGM, dated 1933, said, "Can't act! Slightly Bald! Can dance a little!" Astaire kept that memo over the fireplace in his Beverly Hills home.

An expert said of Vince Lombardi : "He possesses minimal football knowledge. Lacks Motivation."

Socrates was called, "An immoral corrupter of youth."

When Peter J. Daniel was in the fourth grade, his teacher, Mrs. Phillips, constantly said, "Peter J. Daniel, you're no good, you're a bad apple and you're never going to amount to anything." Peter was totally illiterate until he was 26. A friend stayed up with him all night and read him a copy of Think and Grow Rich. Now he owns the street corners he used to fight on and just published his latest book : Mrs. Phillips, You Were Wrong.

Louisa May Alcott, the author of Little Women, was encouraged to find work as a servant or seamstress by her family.

Beethoven handled the violin awkwardly and preferred playing his own compositions instead of improving his technique. His teacher called him hopeless as a composer.

The parents of the famous opera singer Enrico Caruso wanted him to be an engineer. His teachers said he had no voice at all and could not sing.

Charles Darwin, father of the Theory of Evolution, gave up a medical career and was told by his father, "You care for nothing but shooting, dogs, and rat catching." In his autobiography, Darwin wrote, "I was considered by my father, a very ordinary boy, rather below the common standard in intellect."

Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor for lack of ideas. Walt Disney also went bankrupt several times before he built Disneyland.

Thomas Edison's teachers said he was too stupid to learn anything.

Albert Einstein did not speak until he was four years old and didn't read until he was seven. His teacher described him as "mentally slow, unsociable and adrift forever in his foolish dreams." He was expelled and refused admittance to Zurich Polytechnic School.

Louis Pasteur was only a mediocre pupil in undergraduate studies and ranked 15 out of 22 in chemistry.

Isaac Newton did very poorly in grade school.

The sculptor Rodin's father said, "I have an idiot for a son." Described as the worst pupil in the school, Rodin failed three times to secure admittance to the school of art. His uncle called him uneducable.

Leo Tolstoy, author of War and Peace, flunked out of college. He was described as "both unable and unwilling to learn."

Playwright Tennessee Williams was enraged when his play, Me, Vasha was not chosen in a class competition at Washington University where he was enrolled in English XVI. The teacher recalled that Williams denounced the judges' choices and their intelligence.

F. W. Woolworth's employers at the dry goods store said he had not enough sense to wait upon customers.

Henry Ford failed and went broke five times before he finally succeeded.

Babe Ruth, considered by sports historians to be the greatest athlete of all time and famous for setting the home run record, also holds the record for strikeouts.

Winston Churchill failed sixth grade. He did not become Prime Minister of England until he was 62, and then only after a lifetime of defeats and setbacks. His greatest contributions came when he was a "senior citizen."

Eighteen publishers turned down Richard Bach's Jonathan Livingston Seagull, before Macmillan finally published it in 1970. By 1975 it had sold more than seven million copies in the U.S. alone.

Richard Hooker worked for seven years on his humorous war novel, M*A*S*H, only to have it rejected by 21 publishers before Morrow decided to publish it. It became a runaway bestseller, spawning a blockbusting movie and highly successful television series.

      -- Jack Canfield and Mark V. Hansen
      from A Cup of Chicken Soup for the Soul

Copyright © 1999 Mark Victor Hansen and Associates/Jack Canfield Self Esteem Seminars. All rights reserved. No part of this electronic publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the author.

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary : you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (see Fortress)

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read.

The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. (See The Hunt For Red October or Alien)

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

Corollary : sending data to a modem/tape drive/printer faster than expected causes it to explode.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. (See the opening credits for The Hunt For Red October)

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (see Demolition Man and countless others)

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile-site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because none of the buttons are labelled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (see Alien, 2001, Jurassic Park)

Either a Jacob's Ladder or a Van Der Graaf Generator is absolutely necessary for the operation of new, experimental computers (especially when built by brilliant scientists), although in real life, these devices do absolutely nothing.

One can issue any complex set of commands in a few keystrokes. (Star Trek)

The Internet connects to everything in the movies. You can edit credit records, search hotel registries, lookup police criminal files, search (and edit) drivers license databases, edit social security files and more just using the internet! (see The Net)

In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells alert the bears and warns away most of them.

Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings in order to be alert for the presence of bears.

One can tell a Grizzly bear dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

THANK YOU
US Forest Service

You may have noticed that a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer e-mail program uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from the Mozart's Requiem.

"Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen.
Meanwhile, the chorus sings, "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis," which means, "The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell."

Interesting information ABOUT HEART ATTACKS
(Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, this article seemed in order.)

Let's say it's 4:17 p.m. and you're driving home (alone of course) after an unusually hard day on the job. All of a sudden, you start experiencing severe pain in your chest-that begins to radiate out into your arm, and up into your jaw.

You're only about five miles from the hospital nearest you home; unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far.

What can you do? You've been trained in CPR, but the person who taught the course neglected to tell you how to perform it on yourself...

HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE!

Many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, Without help, the person whose heart stops beating properly, and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 SECONDS LEFT before losing consciousness.

However, these victims can help themselves if they do the following :
- Cough repeatedly and vigorously.
- Take a deep breath before each cough.
- Be sure the cough is deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. Repeat the deep breath and vigorous cough every two seconds until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.

Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm.

In this way, heart attack victims can get to a phone and, between breaths, call for help.

Tell everyone you know, as many other people as possible about this; it could save their lives!

from Health Cares, Rochester General Hospital via Chapter 240's newsletter.

If you receive an email with a file called "California" do not open the file. The file contains the "WOBBLER" virus.
This information was announced yesterday morning by IBM. The report says that "...this is a very dangerous virus, much worse than "Melissa" and there is NO remedy for it at this time. Some very sick individual has succeeded in using the reformat function from Norton Utilities causing it to completely erase all documents on the hard drive. It has been designed to work with Netscape Navigator and Microsoft Internet Explorer. It destroys Macintosh and IBM compatible computers. This is a new, very malicious virus and not many people know about it at this time. Please pass this warning to everyone in your address book and share it with all your online friends as soon as possible so that the destruction it can cause may be minimized.

Dear Customers,
Beware, CIH virus on the move once agian. It will strike on 26/06/99. On 26/04/99 this virus had struck first, affecting 50 PCs in G&B campus. It took 20 days to rectify the problem, but data still could not be recovered from most of them. Now it is coming back. But don't be scared. We are here to help you out. We have attached 2 files on all the noticeboard as follows,

1. F-CIH.exe (50KB size) --
This is a DOS based program. Save this program on your hard disk and run from the hard disk. This will check for virus in memory of the PC.
Use any *one* of the following methods :
1. Double click on the file from your desktop or Explorer.
2. Run F-CIH.EXE from a DOS box.
3. Use the "Run" command from the Windows Start menu.

2. KILL_CIH.exe (24KB size) --
This is for CIH virus problem which will detect & cure w95.CIH virus strains from PC memory.
Use any *one* of the following methods :
1. Double click on the file from your desktop or Explorer.
2. Run KILL_CIH.EXE from a DOS box.
3. Use the "Run" command from the Windows Start menu.

It will display one of several different messages upon completion :

"The W95.CIH virus was found in memory. The W95.CIH virus has been successfully disabled. You can now run the Norton antiviral to remove any infections from files."
"The W95.CIH virus was not found in memory."

Apart from this messages if you receive any other message please contact Helpdesk on extension 4057/4059 or you can send mail on "ithlpdsk@godrej.com".

If you require full version of Virus Scan it will be of 1.2MB (Evaluation copy for CIH virus), please contact Helpdesk on extension 4057/4059 or you can send mail on ithlpdsk@godrej.com.

THANK YOU

*****************************************************************

Sushil S. Raut
Asst. Manager : Network support
Godrej Infotech Limited,
Plant -10, Vikhroli
Mumbai - 400 079
PH : 5773636,5773535 Ext. 4057
Res. Ext - 5776
Email : sushil@godrej.com
Web site : http//www.godrej.com