A shop was burgled and the police began the investigation. To their dismay there was no witness but for a drunk. The drunk promised that he had witnessed the crime and he could be of use.

"I saw everything," he said, "A big van drove up and two men unloaded an elephant. It smashed the window with its trunk, the men carried all the things, the elephant got back to the van and they all drove off."

Police didn't even believe a single word. They asked him sarcastically, "Was it an Indian elephant or an African one? The Indian elephant has small ears."

"Sorry, I couldn't see," said the drunk, "It had a mask over its head."

Satan phoned St. Peter and challenged him to a football game, Heaven against Hell.

"Okay," said St. Peter. "But as I am very honest, I must tell you that all the best players that ever were are here in Heaven, so you're going to lose."

"Never mind," replied the devil. "I have all the referees here in Hell."

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'," said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. - How are you feeling?...'"

There was a man named Bubba, and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!!

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know."

His boss doesn't believe him, so he says, "No, you do not know everyone in the whole world."

But Bubba says, "Yes, I do!"

So Bubba's boss says, "Well, prove it!"

Then Bubba says "Pick someone, anyone... and I know them!"

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Oh yes I do!" Bubba says, "Bill and I were on debate team together in college!"

Bubba's boss says, "No, you weren't!"

Bubba says, "Yes, we were!"

So off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. Then he thinks, "Well, that's just two people in one country -- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!"

So he tells Bubba and Bubba says, "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"

Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says, "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!"

Bubba says, "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!"

Bubba's boss says, "No, he didn't!"

Bubba says, "Yes, he did! My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out.

Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says, "Boss! Boss! Wake up!"

When his boss comes to, he asks, "Boss... what happened?"

Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says, "OK, I can see Tom Cruise. I can see Bill Clinton... heck, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks, 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' That's a little more than I can take!"

Dear Ms. Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 Hrs., I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and based on your compatibility, would be made permanent. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us.

Later, based on your performance I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, in case you don't approve of this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
#$%#$^&*^*():;
(Mr. Romeo)

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.

The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the telephone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhhhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, "Well, jeeeez, I had to call the doctor!"

A guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stumbles around and says, "Um... no... um... what happened?"

The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and some one had dug him up, gave him a bath, dried his fur and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

Conversation between 2 psychiatrists who meet after a long time :
"You are fine, How am I"?

The moment a man entered his office his boss asked, "Do you believe in re-birth?"

The man answers, "Yes."

The boss says, "Then its okay because your grandfather had come here after you left for his funeral."

Student  : I hear that fish is brain food.

Roommate : Yeah, I eat it all the time.

Student  : Well, there goes another theory.

Father : Don't you think our son gets all his brains from me?

Mother : Probably. I still have all mine.

Don : She's a bright girl... she has brains enough for two.

Art : Then she's just the girl for you.

One night, a Delta twin-engined puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board; the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, The Dalai Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!"

With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash.

"Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!"

With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have parachute, too."

He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke.

"My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you. You take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

A man, sick of her nagging wife, was wandering the streets when he came upon a strange funeral procession. A man with a large dog on a leash was walking behind the hearse, and following silently behind him were hundreds of people, mostly men. The man, unable to contain his curiosity any longer, approached the man with the dog and asked who had died.

"My wife," the man replied.

"She must have been popular to have so many mourners. How did she die?"

"My dog bit her."

The man suddenly had an idea.

"I'll pay you 2 hundred dollars for that dog," he said to the mourning husband, hesitating slightly.

"Please join the queue," came the reply, "the bidding starts right after the funeral."

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempt to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

An old man with three million dollars was on his death bed and called his Doctor, his Priest and his Lawyer to meet with him in the morning.

When they all arrived, the old man said; "I know I'm going to die soon and I want to take my money with me. I'm giving each of you one million dollars in cash. Just before I'm buried, I want each of you to slip the million dollars into my coffin."

Sure enough, the old man died the next day. After the services the Doctor, Priest and Lawyer sat down together.

The Priest started the conversation saying : "I must confess I was taken by greed and only put 750 thousand in the coffin."

The Doctor followed with : "I understand Father, I too was overcome with greed and I only put 500 thousand in the coffin.", where upon the lawyer responded : "I'm ashamed at both of you. How could you have not respected the last wishes of a dying man?"

Both the Priest and the Doctor looked at him in awe until the lawyer finished with : "I put a check for the full million in his coffin."

An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served. When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.

He replied, "Oh no, thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol."

The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the air-hostess said, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice."

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "What's your problem?"

He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

"But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet."

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly,... but you started it."

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they did to my Beeeeeeemer!!!" whined the yuppie.

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick," retorted the officer.

"You didn't even see that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh my gaaaawd...," cries back the yuppie, "where's my Rolex!!!"

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient : Well, give me the bad news first.

Doctor : You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

Patient : OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me after this???

Doctor : You also have Alzheimer's (amnesia). In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

Patient : Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor : Tell me about your problem.

Patient : I just did, didn't I, you stupid bastard!!!

Patient : Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor  : Not really. It will just seem longer.

Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor.

Doctor : Your tonsils gotta come out.

Patient : I wanna second opinion.

Doctor : Okay, you're ugly, too.

Patient : Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.

Doctor : You should cut down on drinks.

Patient : I don't touch a drop.

Doctor : You should cut down on smoking.

Patient : I don't smoke.

Doctor : You should stop taking drugs.

Patient : I don't do drugs.

Doctor : You should cut down on womanizing.

Patient : Haven't touched a woman in my life.

Doctor : In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

"Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table you've ruined this month!"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

"What's new, Normie?"

"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What's shaking, Norm?"

"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What'd you like, Normie?"

"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"

"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap."

"Looks like beer, Norm."

"Call me Mister Lucky."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"

"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."

"I know; if she calls, I'm not here."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"

"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"

"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"

"Poor."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"

"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"What's going down, Normie?"

"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"

"Alright, but stop me at one... make that one-thirty."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"

"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story, Norm?"

"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"

"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"

"For a beer?"

"No, for stupid questions."

A man shopping in a supermarket brought his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter.

The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a dog?"

"Yes," replied the man.

"Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.

"I left him home," he answered.

"Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog. That's the rule."

The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout.

"Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier.

"Yes," he said, "but I left him home."

"Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food. That's the rule."

The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in here."

The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?"

The man replied, "I'd like three rolls of toilet paper!"

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a Jew in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "That's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Er, I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

If ever you were found wanting for words or plain simple stumped when made the target of some pride decimating sarcasm, go ahead and read this stuff.

Lady Astor : Winston, if you were my husband, I should flavour your coffer with poison.

Churchill  : (in response) Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it.

Lord Northcliffe : The trouble with you, Shaw, is that you look as if there was a famine in the land.

G. B. Shaw       : The trouble with you, Northcliffe, is that you look as if you were the cause of it.

A voter to : You little pipsqueak, I could swallow you (Tommy Douglas) in one bite.

Douglas    : And if you did, my friend, you'd have more brains in your belly than you have in your head.

A legendary US Senator, Chauncey Depew, was a man of enormous girth as was President William Taft. It felt to Depew, glancing at Taft's waistline to make an amusing dinner introduction :

Depew : I hope if its a girl, Mr. Taft will name it for his charming wife.

Taft  : If it is a girl, I shall of course name it for my lovely helpmate of many years. And if it is a boy I shall claim the father's prerogative and name it Junior. But if, as I suspect, it is only a bag of wind I shall name it Chauncey Depew.

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Mr. Drone."

"Drone! But he is your enemy!"

"Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service!"

One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband. But look at me. My husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."

Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife  : When there is a problem, no matter how insurmountable, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you.

Wife  : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'

The bride was crying.

"What's the matter?" asked her friend.

"Well," she replied, "I didn't know until after the wedding that he had been married before and had five kids."

"That must have come as a shock to you."

"Yes, and my four children weren't happy either."

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man  : "What was that for?"

Wife : "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

Man  : "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man  : "What was that for this time?"

Wife : "Your horse called."

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think.

"Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big."

"That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.

The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks like plastic."

Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"

The drunk stammered, "Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The lawyer said, "Let me take a look."

And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely.

"Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"

The drunk replied, "Outta my nose."

Three women - a German, a Jew and a Polack - all gave birth to seven-pound baby boys at the same time. The nurses got the babies mixed up somehow and couldn't tell which baby belonged to which mother. After an hour of mass confusion the father of the German baby decided he'd settle the problem. He walked into the nursery and lined up the three infants in a row. He clicked his heels, raised his arm and shouted, "Heil Hitler!"

The German baby snapped to attention, the Jewish baby shit, and the Polack baby played in it.

Did you know that computer sales persons are so full of shit that if they had an enema they could be buried in a shoe box!

Three men of the cloth - a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi were counting collections taken during services for the week. They were trying to come up with an equitable way to divide the money between God (the two churches and one synagogue) and themselves (the clerics' weekly income).

The priest was the first to speak : "I know what! I'll draw a line down the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls on the right side of the line is for God and whatever falls on the left side is for us."

The Baptist minister cried, "No! No! No! I'll draw a circle in the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls inside the circle is for God and whatever falls outside the circle is for us."

The Rabbi then asked the two other men to accompany him outside.

There he offered this suggestion : "What I would do with the money is this : Toss it up in the air, and whatever God catches is His and whatever falls on the ground is ours."

Two Polacks purchased a bird dog. They took the dog out to give it a try.

After a long while one Polack said to the other, "Well, we'll throw him up in the air one more time. If he doesn't fly, we'll shoot the son of a bitch!"

During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop. The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and screamed, "Touchdown!"

At a football game two Texans were seated behind two nuns.

One Texan said to his friend, "I can't wait to get back to Dallas. There are only ten Catholics there."

His buddy replied, "I can't wait to get back to Houston. There are only five Catholics there."

Finally, one of the nuns commented, "You both should go to hell! There aren't any Catholics there!"

A conductor, while taking tickets on the train, noticed a lady with a small and extremely ugly baby on her lap.

"Lady," the conductor said, "that is by far the ugliest baby I have ever seen."

The woman, horrified by the conductor's comment, began screaming at him, and demanded that her money be refunded and the conductor be fired. The head conductor then came into the car and tried to smooth things over.

"Listen, lady," he said, "if you will forget all about this matter, I'll see that you get the best treatment possible, I'll give you your money back, and I'll even try to find you a nice, ripe banana for that monkey of yours."

Thieves today stole a truck load of Viagra.

Police are looking for hardened criminals!

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend your time with a wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed spending time with his mistress, because of the passion and the mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah," said the engineer, "If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other, and you can go the lab and get some work done."

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.

"Jake," she said.

"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "Don't talk."

But she insisted.

"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."

Jake stroked her hand.

"Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"

Four people are riding in a small passenger car compartment on a long train ride across the country. On one seat, a young, beautiful lady sits next to her grandmother. Across from them, an Army general sits next to his young lieutenant. The train enters a long, dark tunnel.

Suddenly, in the darkness, there is the sound of a kiss followed by a slap! The train exits the tunnel and the four people in the passenger compartment look at each other. Without saying a word, each of them thinks they know what has just happened.

The young lady is surprised, but very happy that the young Lieutenant waited for an appropriate moment to kiss her, but she can't understand why her grandmother slapped him.

The grandmother is shocked that the young lieutenant would try to kiss her granddaughter, but she is happy that her granddaughter slapped him.

The General was pleased that his young lieutenant had waited for an appropriate moment to kiss the young lady because he could see they liked each other. However, he couldn't understand why the grandmother had slapped him.

Meanwhile, the young lieutenant sat in his seat, feeling very good about himself. Not only had he found a way to kiss the pretty young lady sitting across from him, but he had also managed to slap his general at the same time!

A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how hard it was to get any sleep.

"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.

"That's terrible," the friend said. "How'd you ever get any sleep?"

"At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out," the gambler laughed.

Prosecutor : Did you kill the victim?

Defendant  : No, I did not.

Prosecutor : Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant  : Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

God offered his tablet of commandments to the world.

He first approached the Italians.

"What commandments do you offer?" they said.

He answered, "Thou shalt not murder."

They answered "Sorry, we are not interested."

Next he offered it to the Romanians.

"What commandments do you offer?" they said.

He answered, "Thou shalt not steal."

They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."

Next he offered them to the French.

"What commandments do you offer?" they asked.

"Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife."

"Sorry we are not interested," they answered.

Finally he approached the Jews.

"How much?" they asked.

"It's free," he answered.

"We'll take ten of them!"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules :
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be finded $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired : "How much for a season pass?"

Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

"But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

"One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

"Oh! that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

"Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?"

"One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the Principal of the school."

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

A guy finds a magic lamp on the beach. The genie informs him that he gets three wishes, but whatever he gets his ex-wife gets twice as much.

"How about $1,000,000?" he asked.

"Your ex-wife now has $2,000,000 in her account as well," said the genie.

"I've always wanted a Benz, how about that?"

"Your wife now has two of those cars."

For the last wish he had to think for a minute, "...could you beat me half to death?"

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

TOUR GUIDE TERM .............. TRANSLATION

Old world charm .............. Room and a path
Tropical ..................... Rainy
Majestic setting ............. A long way from town, at end of dirt road
Options galore ............... Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ............ Directions to locate unclear
Some budget rooms ............ Sorry, already occupied
Explore on your own .......... At your own expense
Knowledgeable trip hosts ..... They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ................ No extras
Nominal fee .................. Outrageous charge
Standard ..................... Sub-standard
Deluxe ....................... Barely Standard
Superior accomodations........ One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap
All the amenities ............ Two chocolates, two shower caps
Plush ........................ Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes
Gentle breezes ............... In hurricane alley
Light and airy ............... No air conditioning
Picturesque .................. Theme park nearby
24-hour bar .................. Ice cubes at additional cost (when available)

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.


If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.'

Sy comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put the place in order. He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk. Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWII uniform. Sy tries it on and it's a little tight on him. Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket. Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1942. He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 55 years old.

Weeks later, Sy happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was. He can't believe his good luck, a shoe repair store is still there. He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old man.

The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 60 years.

"Gimme the ticket," says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop.

Sy is amazed. What good fortune! What a coincidence! Only in America!

Herman comes back. "I've got your shoes. They'll be done tomorrow!"

An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp.

"Am I glad to see you." he said. "I've been lost for three days."

"Don't get too excited friend." the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either.
When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter.
Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide.

If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live.
Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour.
That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently.
One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" -- a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flier came around :

After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back -- not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish -- dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean --
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know --
I must have lost them long ago!

A three year old boy decided he could put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left shoe was on the right foot and the right on the left.

She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."

He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're MY feet!"

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.

"Things don't look good." The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked.

But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."

A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."

There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer.

As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance."

One final student rose up and took the offer.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining.

"I'm glad to see you believe in yourself." he said. "You all have 'A's."

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?"

John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing. He ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.

Remembering his boss' warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the dang cough syrup. So, I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax?!! That won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will!" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Just look at him. He's afraid to cough."