"Men are like computers : I don't understand them, I just use them for my amusement."

      -- Holly Wait

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new?

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say "Open here"...
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" button -- as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn't when you pressed it the first time?

Were hot dogs ever made of dogs?

"To err is human; to admit it is not."

1. Constipated people don't give a crap.

2. Thank you for pot smoking.

3. If at first you don't succeed... blame someone else and seek counseling.

4. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

5. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.

This is as bad as it can get... but don't bet on it.

There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.

The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

The other line always moves faster... until you get in it.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Home is where the house is.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with.

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe, "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

"Man with one chopstick go hungry."

"Man who go to bed with diarrhea wake up in deep shit."

"Man trapped in sewer eat shit and die."

"Hockey player on ice have big stick."

"Man who go to McDonald's eat out stinky meat."

"Man who lifts stones off woman get rocks off."

"Man who paints on toilet door is a shithouse painter."

"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time."

"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."

"Work to become, not to acquire."

"Show off always shown up in showdown."

"Man with no legs bums around."

"A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose."

"Find old man in dark, not hard!"

"Man who smoke pot choke on handle."

"It is Ok for shit to happen. Shit will decompose."

"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."

"Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache."

"Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind."

"Woman is like jazz music, 3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."

"House without toilet is uncanny."

"Many men smoke but Fu Manchu."

"He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser."

"While others are inside sitting down, you will be outstanding."

"Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"

"Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."

"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."

"Wife for life is better than wife for strife."

"Man who drive like hell bound to get there!"

"Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!"

"Man who sit on tack get point!"

"Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!"

"Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!"

"Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new-key!"

"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"

"Man who fart in church sit in his own pew!"

"Those who quote me are fools."

"America good place to put chinese restaurant."

"Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."

"He who refuses to listen is lying."

"Wash your face in the morning, neck at night."

"Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!"

"To make egg roll, push it."

"Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy..."

"Man who pick nose - head cave in."

"Fly which rests on toilet seat gets pissed off."

"Man who eats photograph of his sire is soon spitting image of his father."

"Man who piss into strong wind gets wet."

"Bread that is cast upon water gets soggy and sinks."

"Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner."

"Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus."

"If you want pretty nurse, you've got to be patient."

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?

How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot... and something cold, cold?

What is the speed of dark?

Why are there braille signs on drive-up ATMs?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

Why isn't phonetic spelt the way it sounds?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

For Sale : Parachute. Used only once. Never been opened. Small stain only.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists : The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

When it rains why don't sheep shrink?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

You know your family is dysfunctional if Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey!

Some people dream of success, others wake up and work hard for it.

"Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere."

SMILE because that's the second best thing you can do with your lips!

1. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

      -- Erica Jong

2. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

      -- Rita Rudner

3. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

      -- Wendy Liebman

4. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

      -- Erma Bombeck

5. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

      -- Sue Grafton

6. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

      -- Roseanne Barr

7. I think - therefore I'm single.

      -- Lizz Winstead

8. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

      -- Elayne Boosler

9. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

      -- Maryon Pearson

10. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.

      -- Gilda Radner

11. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.

      -- Margaret Thatcher

12. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

      -- Gloria Steinhem

13. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.

      -- Marie Corelli

14. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

      -- Baroness Edith Summerskill

15. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
  How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

      -- Linda Ellerbee

"If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price."

      - Unknown

Women are like tea bags. You never know how strong they really are until you put them in hot water.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Words to live by : Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're beautiful.

You see things, and say why?
But I dream things that never were, and I say, why not?

      -- GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

"The Only Way To Have A Friend Is To Be One!"

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Love everybody.
Love every body.

Save water.
Shower with your friend.

Love thy neighbor.
But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

"Always remember... no matter where you go... there you are."

      - Buckaroo Banzai

To some special people searching for that unique person in their life.


It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.

Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, the romance - and you find out you still care for that person.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens but often we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their hearts but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

There are things you love to hear but you would never hear it from the person whom you would like to hear it from, but don't be deaf to hear it from the person who says it with his/her heart.

Never say goodbye when you still want to try -
never give up when you still feel you can take it -
never say you don't love that person anymore when you can't let go.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it only takes a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Hope you find that person.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human,
enough hope to make you happy and
enough money to buy gifts for those you love.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we should know how to be grateful for that gift.

A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that is was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

Love comes to those who still hope although they've been disappointed; to those who still believe, although they've been betrayed; to those who still need to love and those who still love, although they've been hurt before, and to those who have the courage and faith to build trust again.

There are moments in life when you really miss someone that you want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real! Hope you dream of that someone.

Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be;
because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to in life.

Always put yourself in other's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, then it probably hurts the other person too.

A careless word may kindle strife;
a cruel word may wreck a life;
a timely word may level stress;
a loving word may heal and bless.

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them with our own image - otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

Happiness lies for those who cry,
those who hurt,
those who have searched
and those who have tried,
for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Print this out and keep it in your pocket or purse and pull it out whenever you need a hint for life.
Always remember – Life is precious, don't let it slip by...

"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart... or burn down your house, you can never tell."

"An immature love says I love you because I need you but a mature love says I need you because I love you."

"It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all."

"Love starts with a SMILE, Grows with a KISS, and ends with a TEAR."

"To fall in love is awfully simple,
to fall out of love is simply awful."

"To love and win is the best thing.
To love and lose, the next best."

"If love is a sin, punish me by kisses.
And if love is a crime, I wanna be your victim."

"There is no difference between a wise man
and a fool when they fall in love."

"There is one pain, I often feel, which you will never know.
It's caused by the absence of you..."

"In the arithmetic of love,
one plus one equals everything,
and two minus one equals nothing."

"You and her that's what you want. You and me... that's what I dream."

"Love is when the woman of your dreams becomes a reality
and sleep stops being a priority."

True love is knowing a person's faults,
and loving them even more for them."

I never felt true love until I was with you,
and I never felt true sadness until you left me."

"True love comes quietly without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked."

"Love is like a knife, it can stab the heart
or it can carve wonderful images into the soul that will last a lifetime."

"What would it be like to swing on a star, or walk on a cloud?
Would it be anything like what I feel whenever you are near?"

"You don't marry someone you can live with,
you marry the person who you cannot live without."

"One does not fall "in" or "out" of love.
One grows in love."

FINALLY ALL I HAVE LEFT TO SAY...

"If you love someone you say it, you say it right then, out loud,
or the moment just... passes you by."

To love is to risk getting hurt. Not to risk loving is the greatest risk of all.

The essential sadness is to go through life without loving. But it would be almost equally sad to leave this world without ever telling those you loved that you love them.

The desire of love is to give, desire of lust is to get.

A life with love will have some thorns, but a life without love will have no roses.

Love is irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly.

Love is the one word that we use every day, and the one word that the words can not define.

Men :

Ever noticed how all the problems women have is because of men?
MENstruation, MENopause, MENtalbreakdown...

College :
A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.

Etc :
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Office :
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Ecstasy :
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Committee :
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Politician :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Smile :
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Optimist :
A person who starts taking bath if he accidently falls into a river.

Pessimist :
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Diplomat :
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Classic :
A book which people praise, but do not read.

Dictionary :
The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

Miser :
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Marriage :
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.

Father :
A banker provided by nature.

Rumour :
News that travels at the speed of sound.

Criminal :
A guy no different from the rest of us... except that he got caught.

Worry :
Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

Boss :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Tears :
The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.

Experience :
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb :
An invention to end all inventions.

Doctor :
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Software Engineer :
One that is paid for sending and receiving such e-mails!

female : The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male : Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

female : Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male : Playing ball without a cup.

female : body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male : The organ of mooning (and farting).

female : A good movie, concert, play or book.
male : Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

female : An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male : An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male bonding.

female : A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male : A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

* Baltimore City Police recently instituted a crack-down on noise violations. In every hospital zone in the City, you can hear people who've been mugged whispering for help.

* A lot of people don't realize the dance called "The Limbo" was started in Baltimore. It was based upon the street people who were sneaking into pay toilets.

1. To handle yourself use your head; to handle others use your heart.

2. Because life is short its wise to make it broad.

3. Anger is only one letter short of danger.

4. No matter how thin you slice it there are always two sides.

5. If someone betrays you once its his fault; if he betrays you twice its your fault.

6. Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

7. God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest.

8. Modern paintings are like women; you will never enjoy them if you try to understand them.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You cant live long enough to make them all yourself.

10. The tongue weighs practically nothing but so few people can hold it.

11. He who loses money loses much; he who loses a friend loses more; he who loses faith loses all.

12. There are four stages to man.
when he believes in Santa Claus
when he does not believe in Santa Claus
when he is Santa Claus
when he looks like Santa Claus

13. Beautiful young people are accidents of nature; but beautiful old people are works of art.

God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.

Success in a marriage is more than finding the right person. It's becoming the right person.

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you."

      - Winnie the Pooh

"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost."

      - Charles Caleb Colton

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

      - Unknown

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend."

      - Albert Camus

"Strangers are just friends waiting to happen."

      - Unknown

"Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life."

      - Unknown

"Friendship is one mind in two bodies."

      - Mencius

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."

      - Unknown

"If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend."

      - Stone Temple Pilots

"I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay."

      - Dave Matthews Band

"If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them."

      - Unknown

"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say."

      - Unknown

"We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere."

      - Tim McGraw

"My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life."

      - Lee Iacocca

"Hold a true friend with both your hands."

      - Nigerian Proverb

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

      - Unknown

God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it in the nest.

1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

2. Warning : I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

3. Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.

4. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

5. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

6. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

7. Don't make me angry! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

8. Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

9. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

10. Next mood swing... 6 minutes.

11. I hate everybody and you're next.

12. Please don't make me kill you.

13. And your point is...?

14. I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

15. All stressed out and no one to choke.

16. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

17. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

18. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your man walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put one man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor : a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is to old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

HEIGHTS OF REPETITION : You forwarding an e-mail to someone and receiving the same e-mail forwarded from him to you.

HEIGHTS OF ISOLATION : Two persons sitting side by side using e-mails to communicate with each other.

HEIGHTS OF COWARDNESS : Two persons fighting through e-mails.

HEIGHTS OF HELPLESSNESS : You receiving no e-mails for a week.

HEIGHTS OF IDLENESS : A person using e-mail tool all the time.

HEIGHTS OF FRUSTRATION : The e-mail server being down.

HEIGHTS OF CARELESSNESS : Writing an intimate e-mail and doing a reply all.

HEIGHTS OF ACHIEVEMENT : A person sending the e-mail to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHTS OF HEIGHTS : A person sending an e-mail to himself.

Women like silent men. They think they're listening.

      - Marcel Archard

"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right."

      - Henry Ford (1863-1947)

* Imagine if you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

* If it's zero degrees outside today, and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

* Why is it called building when it is already built?

* If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

* If you drop a chameleon in water, will it turn clear?

* If tin whistles are made of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

* Is it possible to be totally partial?

* If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

* Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

* If all the world is a stage where is the audience sitting?

* If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

* If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking slots?

* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

* If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

* When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?

* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

* Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

* If lawyers are debarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, dry cleaners depressed?

* Why is it if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

* I thought how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me ...they are cramming for their final exams.

* I thought how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? Are we supposed to write to them? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailman could look for them while delivering the mail?

* If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Quick Wit :

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

      -- Janeane Garofalo

1) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

2) Everyone has a photographic memory, but some don't have any film.

3) When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

4) A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

5) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

6) Just remember... if the world didn't suck we would all fall off.

The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

"Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement."

M.A.R.L.B.O.R.O. - Men Always Remember Ladies Because Of ROmance.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who cares about you.

I worship the ground that awaits your corpse.

You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.

I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but the hate that I feel for you is the real thing.

You remind me of the ocean - you make me sick.

I'd like to give you a going-away present... First, you do your part.

Don't thank me for insulting you - it was a pleasure.

I know you couldn't live without me, so I'll pay for the funeral.

I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit for the one thing you've done yourself?

I thought of you today. I was at the zoo.

I don't want you to turn the other cheek - it's just as ugly.

The next time you shave, could you stand an inch or two closer to the razor please?

Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.

What do you want to do if you grow up?

Man   : Is this seat empty?
Woman : Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man   : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman : Yeah, but if I saw YOU naked, I'd die laughing.

Man   : I want to give myself to you.
Woman : Sorry, I don't accept cheap, nasty gifts.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

My father did not teach me how to live. He lived and let me watch him do it.

I.T.A.L.Y. - I Trust And Love You.

L.I.B.Y.A. - Love Is Beautiful; You Also.

F.R.A.N.C.E. - Friendships Remain And Never Can End.

C.H.I.N.A. - Come Here... I Need Affection.

B.U.R.M.A. - Between Us, Remember Me Always.

N.E.P.A.L. - Never Ever Part As Lovers.

I.N.D.I.A. - I Nearly Died In Adoration.

K.E.N.Y.A. - Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.

C.A.N.A.D.A. - Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Atraction.

K.O.R.E.A. - Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.

E.G.Y.P.T. - Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!

M.A.N.I.L.A. - May All Nights Inspire Love Always.

P.E.R.U. - Phorget Everyone... Remember Us.

Y.E.M.E.N. - 'Yugyugan Every Morning, Every Night.


So which country are you going?