Santa Singh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone.

"Is this one one one one?" says the voice.

"No, this is eleven eleven."

"Are you sure it isn't one one one one?"

"No, this is eleven eleven."

"Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the night."

"That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway."

Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first match on the seat of his pants, but it wouldn't light. He tried another. It wouldn't light. The third one finally lit. He lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his vest pocket.

"What for did you put that match in your vest pocket?"

"That's a good match. I'll use it again."

A sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway. He asks a bystander as to why are the guys doing what they are doing.

Bystander : A Marathon race is going on.

Sardar :    What do they get from that?

Bystander : The winner will get a prize.

Sardar :    Then why are the others running?!

Then there's the one about the Sardarji who brought his binoculars to a funeral where they were going to bury a distant relative of his...

The Sardarji Doctor to his patient : "It's very important that you take this medicine exactly 30 minutes before you feel the pain."

The Sardarji doctor was so afraid of bacteria, that he cooked his ice-cubes before he put them in his drink.

A Sardarji was in a nightclub in New York, dancing with a beautiful woman.

He whispered into her ear, "I love you."

She smiled and whispered back, "I love you too!"

There was a little pause, the Sardarji was thinking(??!!), then he whispered, "I love you three."

Q : How can you recognize an surd in a submarine?
A : He is the one with the parachute on his back.

Four Sardarjis were waiting a on Railway Platform for the "Punjab Mail". As they were waiting an announcement is made about the train running late by two hours. The train scheduled to start at 10 a.m. will now start at 12 noon. Since there is lots of time to kill the four Sardarjis decide to go out into the city to spend the time. When they get back to the station they see "Punjab Mail" just leaving the platform. So Sardarjis start running desperately to board the train. One of them manages to catch the 6th bogey. Another got almost the last bogey and the other two got left behind.

When the two Sardarjis who managed to get into the train met each other in one of the bogies they started laughing uncontrollably. They go on laughing... laughing... and laughing.

Now the other passengers get a bit curious and one of them asked the Sardarjis... "Arre, what's so funny? Why are you both laughing so madly?"

One of the Sardarjis managed to reply, "Actually the two who were supposed to take this train got left behind... we... just came to see them off!!!"

A Sardarji is standing on platform No.1 waiting for the Punjab Mail to arrive. There is an anouncement "Passengers to note. Train no 234 dn Punjab mail from New Delhi will be arriving on platform no. 1 shortly."

Hearing this Sardarji gets panicky. He immediately picked up his baggage, jumped on to the railway track and stood there.

Sardarji is not sleeping with his wife these days because somebody had told him that it is wrong to sleep with married women.

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry... we still have one engine left."

A sardarji passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

This Sardarji goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts."

The doc says, "Ok, touch your elbow."

The sardarji touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.

The doc, surprised, says, "Touch your head."

The sardarji touches his head and jumps in agony. The doc asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the sardarji touches it hurts like hell.

The doc is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays etc... and tells the Sardar to come back after two days.

Two days later the sardar comes back and the doctor says, "We've found your problem..."

"Oh yeah? What is it?"

"You've broken your finger!"

A sardarji happened to participate in a competition, which was about writing the shortest story. The organizers had put a condition that a story must have four ingredients viz. religion, sex, suspense and mystery.

Sardarji's turn came after many attempts by others. Sardarji gave a story, which was just one sentence and read, "O god, my wife is going to deliver a child."

Ostensibly amused, the organizers asked the sardarji whether it contained all the four ingredients!

Sardarji replied affirmatively and gave his explanation as below :
O god : religion
my wife : sex
going to deliver a child : suspense (whether a girl or a boy)

"But where is mystery?" asked one of the organizers.

The sardar replied : "Who is the father?"

A sardarji was travelling to his friends house from Chandigarh to Amritsar in his new Maruti. He reached there in a few hours. After a week or so he decided to return so he called his mother and asked her to wait for his arrival by evening. His mother waited and but he didn't reach until a couple of days.

When he finally came home on the third day, his frantic mother asked him, "Where were you son?"

The tired sardarji after a long journey replied, "The Maruti manufacturers made 4 gears to move ahead but while returning there was only one reverse gear."

Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then he came to the column SALARY EXPECTED : He was not sure as to what was to be filled there.

After much thought he wrote : Yes

Sardar Singh was very keen on doing his Ph.D. He was in search of a subject on which no one did any research before! As he was thinking over it, he found a cockroach on the table in from of him. He decided instantly to do a research on the roach.

He picked the roach and put it in the centre of the table and said : "Run." The roach ran.

He pulled out one leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said : "Run". The roach ran.

He pulled one more leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said : "Run." The roach ran.

This way the roach tried to run even when it had just one leg. He pulled last leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said : "Run." The roach could not!

Our Professor was satisfied with his study and started writing his thesis : "When you pull out all the legs of a roach, it cannot hear anymore."

Sukhbir Singh went for a job interview to be a secretary. When the manager saw his colourful attire and gold white-highlighted hair, his mind is screaming "NOT THIS......".

Nevertheless, he still had to entertain Singh. So he told Singh, "If you could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then maybe I will give you a chance! The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK."

Singh thought for a while and said : "I hear the phone GREEN, GREEN, GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW... BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiyah, wrong number, lah... Don't PURPLEly disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok? Thank You."

The Manager fainted.

Sardarji is buying a TV.

"Do you have color TVs?"

"Sure."

"Give me a green one, please."

Sardarji calls Air India.

"How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"

"Just a sec," says the rep.

"Thank you," says the Sardarji and hangs up.

A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in Rajasthan, but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai."

What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies?
He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes!

What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper?
(he already has one and he wants one more...) He takes a photocopy of the white paper!!!

Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were planning for free Punjab.

Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh... we'll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?"

That was a difficult question indeed.

Suddenly Banta Singh replied, "No problem! We'll attack USA, it would take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed."

All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy.

The surd replied, "OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT... WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA???"

Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.

"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to SARDARs," he replied.

He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.

"Damn, he recognized me," he thought.

He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.

Frustrated, he exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a Sardar?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.

How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear.

What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
Run like crazy... he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.

Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.

Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.

How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.

What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.

What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
The back of his head.

What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).

What do you call a sardar who has only one drink?
Just-one Singh.

Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

Why can't Sardar dial 911?
They can not find the eleven on the phone.

How do you get Sardar on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.

"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?"

What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.

Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home."

Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station.

Hari Singh asks the clerk : "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?"

"No," answers the Railway man.

"Can I?" asks Gani Singh.

A sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him, "Kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai."

Sardarji replies, "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata."

Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him.

Somebody stops him and asks, "Kyon bhai ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?"

Sardarji replies, "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun."

Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.

Said his wife, "What's the matter?"

Replied he, "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else."

Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God.

A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for?"

The sardarji replied, "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

Sardarji got the 6th child. He fills data in the birth certificate -
"Mother : Sikh. Father : Sikh. Kid : Chinese."

"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sikh?"

"Aah, Sardarji read a newspaper, it says that every 6th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."

Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to outer space.

The ground control issues commands, "Rubi!"

"Woof!" (its the barking sound)

"Press the red button."

"Woof! Woof!"

"Moti!"

"Woof!"

"Press the white button."

"Woof! Woof!"

"Sardarji!"

"Woof!"

"Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"

Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a clock tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.

Sardarji says, "Yes."

"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."

The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.

"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."

The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says, "I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."

Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double-decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush was over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Banta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death.

He says, "Arre Banta Singh! What the heck's goin' on? Why are you so scared? I was enjoying my ride down there?

Scared Banta replies, "Yeah, but you've got a *driver*."

Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor.

The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But... what happened to your other ear?"

"The scoundrel called back."

NOTE : If you don't know the answers, please copy from another applikason phorom and submit. For further instructions, see bottom applikason. Please do not shoot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the lisence immediately.

1. Last name : (Kaur/Singh/do not know)

2. First name : (Check appropriate box)
   (_) Balwinder
   (_) Jaswinder
   (_) Surinder
   (_) Joginder
   (_) Maninder
   (_) Don't know

3. Age : ____
   (_) Less than zero
   (_) Zero
   (_) Greater than zero
   ( ) Don't know

4. Sex : ____ M ____ F ____ not sure ____ not applicable

5. Shoe/Chappal Size : ____ Left ____ Right

6. Occupation :
   (_) Farmer
   (_) Truck Driver
   (_) Mechanic
   (_) Pehelwan (Punjabi for "wrestler")
   (_) House wife
   (_) Un-employed

7. Spouse's Name : __________________________

8. Relationship with spouse :
   (_) Sister
   (_) Brother
   (_) Aunt
   (_) Uncle
   (_) Cousin
   (_) Mother
   (_) Father
   (_) Son
   (_) Daughter
   (_) Pet

9. Number of children living in household : ___
   Number that are yours : ___
   Mother's Name : _______________________
   Father's Name : _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

10. Education : 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

11. Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

12. Total number of vehicles you own ___
    Number of vehicles that still crank ___
    Number of vehicles in front yard ___
    Number of vehicles in back yard ___
    Number of vehicles on cement blocks ___

13. Firearms you own and where you keep them :
    ___ truck
    ___ bedroom
    ___ bathroom
    ___ kitchen
    ___ shed

14. Model and year of your pickup : _____________ 194_

15. Do you have a gun rack?
    (_) Yes
    (_) No
If no, please explain : ______________________________________

16. Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to :
    (_) Champak
    (_) Indrajal
    (_) Star and style
    (_) The great Punjab Dairy
    (_) Blank sheets

17. Number of times you've SHOT
    ___ a UFO
    ___ another person exactly like you

18. Do you bathe?
    (_) Yes
    (_) No
    (_) Not applicable

If yes, how often do you bathe?
    (_) Weekly
    (_) Monthly
    (_) Yearly
    (_) Not Applicable

19. Color of teeth :
    (_) Yellow
    (_) Brownish-Yellow
    (_) Brown
    (_) Black
    (_) Others - Give exact color : ______________
        (call nearest Asian Paints dealer if you don't know the color of your teeth)
    (_) Not Applicable

20. Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer :
    (_) Manikchand

21. How far is your home from a paved road?
    (_) 1 mile
    (_) 2 miles
    (_) Don't know ____________________


Your thumb impresson
(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)

PLEASE DO NOT USE FINGERS ON YOUR LEGS.

Use thumb on your left hand only. If you don't have left hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on left hand.

NOTE : IF YOU DON'T HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.

For instructions to fill this applikason pharom, see beginning of applikason pharom.

You could be sure the person is Sardar when he :

* puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind.
* gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
* sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
* tries to drown a fish in water.
* thinks socialism means partying.
* trips over a cordless phone.
* takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
* At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts "Sagittarius".
* studies for a blood test and fails.
* sells the car for gas money.
* misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
* drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home.
* gets locked in Furniture shop and sleeps on the floor.

Q      : "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Sardar : "No, who wrote it?"

Sardar ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified.

On the next Railway station the driver was caught : He was found to be a Sardar. He was questioned.

He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc.

Then authorities questioned : "Sardarji, are you mad?!? Just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger. You should have overran that person."

Sardar said : "Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close."

This is a letter from a Sardarji mother to her son.

Pyaarey Puttar,

Vahe Guru.

Dear Banta,

I'm writing this letter real slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. We read in the paper that most accidents happen within 10 miles of home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you our new address cause the last Sardar family that lived here took the house numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

We got a letter from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on grandma's funeral bill, up she comes!

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't heard whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you're an uncle or an aunt.

Your uncle, Jatinder fell in the nearby wine factory vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfil his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love

Mom.


P. S. : I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

A policeman was interrogating 3 Sardars who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first Sardar a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first Sardar answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well... uh... that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second Sardar and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second Sardar giggles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third Sardar and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The Sardar looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the Sardar replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Hi,

I'm a virus from Ludhiana.
Please forward this email to all the contacts in your address book.
Then delete all the files on your hard disk.
Thanks very much

Sardarji Virus


P. S. : Relax, this is just a joke. Vikas :)

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Andheri East, Mumbai,India.
Phone : +91 22 8238231
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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the Surd led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my talking clock," the Surd replied.

"How does it work?" asked one of his friends.

"Watch this," the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey jerk! It's 2 in the freaking morning!"

Ek sardar ki bibi mar gai. Uske funeral par ek aadmi bahut ro raha tha. Sardar usse jaanta nahi tha. Sardar se jab kafi der tak dekh kar raha na gaya to usne ek se poochcha ki yeh aadmi kaun hai jo itna ro raha hai. Usne bataya ki tere ko nahi pata yeh teri bibi ka premi tha.

Sardar ko kuch na soojha ki usse kaise chup karaye.

Ultimately bola, "Yaar itna rota kyon hai main doosri shaadi karne wala hun."

Q : What is a sardar who is submerged in a swimming pool called?
A : Jalandhar Singh.

Q : What is a sardar under water and able to breathe called?
A : Jalandhar Singh Gill.

Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on an 'Around the world' tour when it got grounded. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt.

Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers, "Friends, we are in trouble because of God's being angry with us. We need to give sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their life so that rest of us can be saved."

All of them moved towards the Deck where a Japanese came forward and shouted, "Long live Japan" and jumped into the sea.

Then a Israeli Jew stepped forward said, "Hellulaja" and dived into the sea.

After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other and suddenly out of nowhere a Sardarji came forward near the railing and chanted, "Jo bole-so-nihal, sat sri akaal, wahe guruji da khalsa, wahe guruji di fateh, Jai maa Kali, Jai maa Durga, Jai Hanuman, Jai Sri Ram, Jai siva-sankar, Jai baba nanak di, Jai jawan jai kissan..." and finally yelled at the top of his voice, "Bharat mata ki jai," and kicked the Pakistani standing next to him in the sea.

A sardar goes to the 'Kaun Banega Karodpati' show.

Amitabh Bachchan asks him, "Sardarji aap kiske saath yahan aaye hai?"

Sardar :  "Pitaaji ke saath."

Amitabh : "Aap ke pitaaji ka shubhnaam?"

Sardar :  "Hmm... yes."

Amitabh : "Amm... kya naam hai aapke pitaji ka?"

Sardar :  "Hmm... OK."

Amitabh : "Are sardarji, main aapse aapke pitaji ka naam poochh raha hoon."

Sardar :  "Pehle mujhe chaar options to do!!!"


EXTENSION

Amitabh Bachchan (after discussing the same with his father Surjit Singh)

Aap ke options hain

Sardar :  I would like to use a Lifeline.

Amitabh : Very good... to aap life line use karna chahte hain.... very good.

Sardar :  Thanks.

Amitabh : Aap yahan baithe darshakon se pooch sakte hain, fifty-fifty use kar sakte hain ya phir kisi dost se phone par baat kar sakte hain. To kaun si life line use karna chahenge aap?

Sardar :  Fifty-fifty.

Amitabh : Very good, Computerji do galat jawab hatha dijiye.

Answers left

Amitabh : Aap abhi bhi confused dikh rahen ho aap abhi apni baaki ki 2 lifeline bhi use kar sakten hain...

Sardar :  Ji apni maa (Paramjeet kaur) ko phone karna chahta hoon.

Amitabh : Bahut badhiya, computerji inki maataji ko phone lagaya jaye.

The phone rings...

Amitabh :        Parmeet kaurji, Mein Star Plus ke KBC se Amitabh Bachchan bol raha hoon...

Paramjeet Kaur : O zinda reh putr.

Amitabh :        Kaisin hain maataji... abhi aap ke bete hamare saath KBC khel rahen hain aur woh aap se ek sawaal poochenge aur aap ke paas tees second honge jawab dene ko... to agli aawaz aap ke bete ki.

The clock starts ticking 30, 29,...

Sardar : Maataji mere pyo da ki naam hai.

The clock ticks... 10, 9, 8...

Sardar :         Maa jaldi jawaab do... croron ka sawaal hai.

Paramjeet Kaur : Beta baki 2 options bhi to batao...

Sardar :         Mataji... sirf do hi hain.

Time ticks... 4, 3, 2...

Paramjeet Kaur : Beta... ye dono jawaab galat hain... but tere pitaji ko mat batana...

Santa Singh is the aggressive participant on Kaun Banega...

Amitabh : Santaji, 5 sawal ka jawab diye to Rs. 10,000 jeetiye. 15 jawab par 1 crore! Aapke paas teen lifeline hain. Ek hazaar rupee ke liye aapka pehla sawaal :

Who is India's Prime Minister?

Santa Singh : Vajpayee.

Amitabh :     Sure?

Santa Singh : Yes, sure.

Amitabh :     Confident?

Santa Singh : Yes.

Amitabh :     Absolutely sure?

Santa Singh : Yes Amitji.

Amitabh :     Lock kar dein?

Santa Singh : Yes.

Amitabh :     Sahee jawab! Aap ek hazaar rupee jeet gaye hain!

Santa Singh : Oye! Saale, ullu mat banaa! Paanch jawab diye hain puray dus hazaar nikaal!

A sardar boards his British Airways flight to London. On board the airhostess serves lunch, but the sardar refuses it and insists on eating roti and sabji.
He tells the astonished airhostess, "Madam, this is food India."

Next the airhostess serves the finest English chocolates but the Sardar refuses them and sweetens his mouth instead, with a piece of jaggery.

"What is this?" asks the airhostess.

"This is sweet India," the sardar replies.

As the airhostess begins clearing the dishes, the sardar farts loudly.

"And what is this?" the airhostess shouts angrily.

"This is air India!" replies the sardar.

Q : Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
A : They're there for those who don't drink.

Q : Sardar ke bachchon aur ghadon ke bachchon mein kya common hai?
A : Chote hote hai to dono bade cute (sundar) lagte hai, bade ho kar dono transport ka dhanda karte hai.

Once upon a time, a Sardar applied to a Medical School - needless to say he never made it - you know why? Well, these are the answers he gave at the entrance exam :

ANTIBODY -          against everyone
ARTERY -            the study of fine paintings
BACTERIA -          back door to a cafeteria
BENIGN -           what you be after you be eight
BOWEL -             letters like a, e, i, o, u
CAESARIAN SECTION - a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY -        advanced study of poker playing
CAT SCAN -          searching for lost kitty
CHRONIC -           neck of a crow
COMA -              punctuation mark
CORTIZONE -         area around local courthouse
CYST -              short for sister
DIAGNOSIS -         person with a slanted nose
DILATE -            the late British princess Diana
DISLOCATION -       in this place
DUODENUM -          couple in jeans
ENEMA -             not a friend
FALSE LABOR -       pretending to work
FECES -             nasty countenance
GALLBLADDER -       bladder in a girl
GENES -             blue denim
GROIN -             to mash to a pulp / smile
HERNIA -            she is close by
IMPOTENT -          distinguished, well-known
LABOR PAIN -        hurt at work
LACTOSE -           person without feet
LYMPH -             walk unsteadily
MENOPAUSE -         I no wait
MICROBES -          small dressing gowns
OBESITY -           city of Obe
PACEMAKER -         winner of Nobel Peace Prize
PROTEIN -           in favour of teens
PULSE -             grain PUS - small cat
RED BLOOD COUNT -   Dracula
RUPTURE -           ecstasy
SECRETION -         hiding anything
SERUM -             sailors drink
SUBCUTANEOUS -      not cute enough
SUTURE -            Gujarati for "What do you want?"
TABLET -            small table
TUMOR -             extra pair
ULTRASOUND -        radical noise
URINE -             opposite of you're out
VARICOSE -          very close
VAS DEFERENS -      extremely different
VEIN -              at what time?
VITREOUS HUMOR -    both witty & funny

A Sardarjee reported for his University final examination which consists of "Yes/No" type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But, I am rechecking my answers."

A sardar wanted to sell his old battered Maruti car which had done more than 100,000 kms. Since nobody was inclined to buy it, he approached his friend to help him dispose it off. The friend advised him to have the mileage meter reading reduced to around 30,000 kms so that he could tell the prospective customer that it has been used sparingly. The sardar liked the idea.

A few weeks later the same friend met him and enquired whether he was able to dispose off his car.

The sardar replied, "Are you mad? Who sells a car which has done only 30000 kms?!?"

There was a competition. Those who don't laugh for 100 continuous jokes will get an award. Our Sardarji gang headed by Bantu singh went to competition but unfortunately only one of them got the admission. So Bantu as representing the Sardarjis went and sat with other competitors.

People started telling jokes one by one. Our Sardarji didn't laugh a bit though so many others got dis-qualified. Rest of the Sardarajis were so happy after 98th joke thinking that they will get their share of prize since Bantu was sent as their representative. But after 99th joke, Bantu started laughing, rolling on ground, no body could control him. His Surd friends got angry and asked, "Are saale why didn't you hold your laugh for just another joke?"

Bantu replied, "Are yaar, main kya karooon, woh joke number 1 was too good."

A Surd was going by train from Delhi to Bombay. He kept getting off at every station to buy a ticket till the next station. When the train reached Delhi, the Surd's co-passengers asked him why he kept on buying tickets instead of buying a ticket for the entire journey. The Surd replied that his doctor had advised him against taking long journeys.

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?"

The Jewish man answered without hesitation, "The Romans killed him."

The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question.

He replied, "Jesus was killed by the Jews."

Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question.

He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?"

The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow."

When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked, "How did the iterview go?"

Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder."

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, "it says here, 'Answer the following questions in BRIEF'."

A sardar was walking along, when he looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over him.

The sardar says, "Good thing that cows don't fly."

A sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so he picks it up and says, "Hello, how did you know I was here?"

How many sardars does it take to pull off a kidnapping?
Six. One to kidnap the victim and five to write the ransom note.

Why are sardar secret agents the best in the world?
Because even under torture they can't remember what they have been assigned to.

Did you hear about the sardar who signed all his checks so no one else could use them if he lost his checkbook?

Did you hear about the sardar who asked his friends to give him all their burnt out light bulbs?
He just bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom.

We're almost there," said the Santa Singh to Banta Singh. "See those two houses over there... mine's the one in the middle!"

Why do sardars have see-through lunch box lids?
So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

A sardar's response to the comment, "THINK about it!" :
"I don't have to think - I'm sardar!"

A Sardar, a Japanese, and a Britisher were lost in the desert. They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down, because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey.

The Japanese took the radiator, the Britisher took the seat, and the Sardar took the door.

After a while of walking, the Britisher asked the Japanese, "I'm confused, why did you bring the radiator?"

The Japanese responded, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the fluid."

Next the Sardar asked the Britisher, "Why did you bring the seat?"

So the Britisher said, "If I get tired, I am not going to sit on the sand. I can sit on this comfortable seat."

Finally the Japanese asked the Sardar why he had chosen the door.

The sardar quickly responded to this question, "Well, when it gets hot all I have to do is roll down the window."

Why couldn't the sardar write the number "eleven"?
He didn't know which "one" came first...

Why does a sardar only change his baby's diapers once a month?
Because it says right on the box "good for up to 20 pounds."

Did you hear about the sardar skydiver?
He missed the Earth!

Whoever said Surds are dumb GOT IT WRONG. I know all you Surds out there are with me on this...


Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths's (Ubiquitious grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks banta to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week Banta finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks banta to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Banta goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week Banta comes to Woolworth's with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out.

He shouts at Banta : "What! This is shit!"

Banta calmly replies : "Yes, and I want toilet paper."

Bobby returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father.

"Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - all the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am Sardar?"

"No son, that's because you are intelligent."

Bobby seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - all the other kids could only count from 1 to 10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am Sardar?"

"No son, that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.

Happy with the answer, Bobby poses another question to his father, "Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was at least twice their height. Is that because I am Sardar?"

The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."

When God passed out looks,
I thought He said books, and I didn't want any.
When God passed out ears,
I thought He said beers, and I asked for two long ones.
When God passed out legs,
I thought He said kegs, and I asked for two fat ones.
When God passed out noses,
I thought He said roses, and I asked for a big red one.
When God passed out heads,
I thought He said beds, and I asked for a big soft one.
When God passed out brains,
I thought he said trains, and I missed mine.