|
|
1) THE GIFT OF LISTENING
But you must REALLY listen. No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response. Just listening.
2) THE GIFT OF AFFECTION
Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends.
3) THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER
Clip cartoons. Share articles and funny stories. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."
4) THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE
It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a life.
5) THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT
A simple and sincere, "You look great in red", "You did a super job" or "That was a wonderful meal" can make someone's day.
6) THE GIFT OF A FAVOUR
Every day, go out of your way to do something kind.
7) THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE
There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone. Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.
8) THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION
The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone, really it's not that hard to say, 'Hello' or 'Thank You'.
Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to a FRIEND if you want to be a friend.
1. They follow you around with their tongues out.
2. They only respond to simple commands.
3. Their needs are basic and predictable.
4. They whine when their needs are not met.
5. They always need to have something in their mouth.
6. They scratch a lot and sometimes drool.
7. They make loud noises and sometimes smell bad.
8. They need to be trained.
9. You can always tell when one has lived in a house for a long time.
10. They're rude and rowdy, especially when they're with others like them.
Conclusion : They're little men in fuzzy boxes.
* A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
* The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
* Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
* He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
* Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
* Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
* Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
* Forgot to pay his brain bill.
* A few clowns short of a circus.
* If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
* Too much yardage between the goal posts.
* An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
* A few beers short of a six-pack.
* Dumber than a box of hair.
* A few peas short of a casserole.
* Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
* One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
* One taco short of a combination plate.
* A few feathers short of a whole duck.
* All foam, no beer.
* The cheese slid off his cracker.
* Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
* Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
* Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
* An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
* As smart as bait.
* Chimney's clogged.
* Her sewing machine's out of thread.
* His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
* His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
* Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
* No grain in the silo.
* Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
* Receiver is off the hook.
* Several nuts short of a full pouch.
* Skylight leaks a little.
* Slinky's kinked.
* Surfing in Nebraska.
* In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most.
1. The way they always wear their favorite cologne (which happens to be the one that you bought them for their birthday).
2. The way the run their hands through out hair.
3. The way that they look at you and you want to die right then and there.
4. The way that they casually put their arms around you.
5. The way that they kiss away your tears.
6. ...and the way that they then get mad at how they can't make your problem go away.
7. The way they show off around their friends, even though you both know that you would love them even if they missed a basket or two.
8. How there eyes light up at the result of 3 hours of preparing for your date.
9. How they always know just what to say to make you blush.
10. How they sometimes think that they know just what to say to make you feel better, even if you think that it is the worst thing that they could say.
11. The way they hold you close when you are cold.
12. How they look at you when your mad at them and all your anger melts away.
13. How they always smile when you are together.
14. The way that they always let you win any game that you play together.
15. ...and then when you point that out to them they pretend to not know what you are talking about.
16. The way that they smile at you.
17. The way that you feel when they call to apologize after you had a big fight.
18. The way that they say I love you.
19. The way that they say I love you in front of their friends.
20. The way that they touch and hold you so gently, like they are afraid that they will break you.
21. The way that they kiss you.
22. The way that they open their arms to you when you are crying.
23. The way that they never admit that you hurt them.
24. The way that they try not to cry when they are afraid that they are losing you.
25. The way that they think that they are your big protector, even though you think that you are theirs.
26. The way that they say I miss you, even though they hate to admit it.
27. The way that you miss everything about them when they are gone.
28. The way that they remember your special moments, or anniversaries when you think that they forgot.
29. The way that they apologize when they do forget.
30. The way that they comfort you when you have a bad day.
31. The way that you can't wait to get home and tell them all about your day.
32. The way that they write you love letters even if they think that it is uncool.
33. How they would rather be with you then their friends sometime.
34. How you want to hug them even though they are all sweaty.
Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, travelling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without a trace of sound, you know that your own life is inevitably consumed within the rhythmic beatings of his heart. We love them for a million reasons, no paper would do it justice. It is a thing, a feeling, that is only felt.
1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo.
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder.
3. How cute they look when they sleep.
4. The ease in which they fit into our arms.
5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world.
6. How cute they are when they eat.
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worthwhile.
8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 out side.
9. The way they look good no matter what they wear.
10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth.
11. How cute they are when they argue.
12. The way her hand always finds yours.
13. The way they smile.
14. The way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight.
15. The way she says, "Let's not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later...
16. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them.
17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you".
18. Actually... just the way they kiss you...
19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry.
20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly.
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt.
22. Then the way apologize when it does hurt... (even though we don't admit it!)
23. The way they say "I miss you".
24. The way you miss them.
25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore....
Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, no paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt.
1. When there's only one other person, tap them on the shoulder, then act like it wasn't you.
10) Long relationships
o Your metabolism changes so that you can lose weight eating chocolate
You just completed another sweater
+ You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
+ You have hiked up a big hill or small mountain at least once for a keg party.
...accept a drink from a urologist.
+ Laxative tester
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
- I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)
3M & Goodyear = mmmGood
If Larry King clones himself and interviews himself on his show, wouldn't that pretty much make nuclear war something we could all look forward to?
* A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
+ Your wife's hairdo has ever been caught on a ceiling fan.
...for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.
1. Watch the sunset together.
1. Don't love someone because of who they are, but because of who they are when they are with you.
-+- He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. Pretend the floor button gives you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4. Call a bondage 900 line from a cell phone.
5. Hold the doors open and say your waiting for your friend, after a while let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg, how's your day been?"
6. Bring rug and take a nap in the corner.
7. Bounce a superball around the elevator.
8. Light a cigarette.
9. Drop a pen and when someone reaches to help pick it up, scream, "THAT'S MINE!"
10. Stand in the corner, reading a telephone book, laughing uproariously.
11. Bring a camera and take a picture of everyone in the elevator.
12. Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask from behind your desk, "Do you have an appointment?"
13. When the doors close, break out the duct tape and work furiously to tape the doors together. Ask for help too.
14. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they want to play.
15. Bring a hammer and nails and hang pictures of yourself on the walls. Ask, "Isn't that a good picture of me?"
16. Leave your 12 foot long python alone in the elevator.
17. Litter.
18. Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
19. Act like a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
20. Clean your gun.
21. Ask, "Did you feel that? I felt a rumble?"
22. Dressed in coveralls, get in a full elevator and when the door closes, push the stop button, post an 'Out of Order' sign inside and go to work on the access panel, saying, "This may take a minute."
23. Push the call button, when the voice answers ask, "Is that you, God?"
24. Stand really close to someone and sniff them.
25. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's O.K. Don't panic... they open up again."
26. Push your floor button with your tongue.
27. Stand alone, when the doors open, tell anyone trying to get on that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.
28. Swat at flies that don't exist.
29. Shoot rubber bands at everyone.
30. When the doors open, pretend that you bounce off a force field when you try to leave.
31. Ride naked.
32. As people get on, ask for their tickets.
33. Push the top floor button, and announce that you tried to kill yourself yesterday, but the other building wasn't high enough.
34. If other people are talking, ask them to be quiet.
35. Inquire about the Bears/Yankees game.
36. Jump rope.
37. Bring a shovel and try to dig a hole.
38. Tell someone they've got a spot on their shirt, and when they look down flick them in the nose.
39. Tell someone that you can see their aura.
40. Call out "Group hug!"
From the home office in Owings Mills, Maryland
9) Allowed to stay out late
8) Easy weight loss
7) Centuries of experience
6) Immune to all venereal diseases
5) Always has amazing stamina
4) Loves neck nibbling
3) Rarely interested in arguing religion
2) Never comes home with garlic breath
And the number one best thing about dating a vampire
1) Never have to worry about what color of clothes to wear.
o You realize that your kid's report card was really a bad dream
o Your computer actually crashes when the technician is there
o You bought Amazon.com 2 years ago -- and held it
o Steven Speilberg calls your boss looking for you
o You haven't put on weight -- your clothes shrank
o Your child calls from college just to say Hi
o The IRS loses your name
...and you don't know how to knit.
You walk 20 miles on your treadmill,
...before you realize it's not plugged in.
When someone asks, "How are you?"
...you reply : "Good to the last drop."
Your first-aid kit contains
...two pints of coffee with an IV hookup.
+ Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
+ Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
+ The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note.
+ When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
+ You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
+ You learn about your layoff on CNN.
+ Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
+ Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
+ You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
+ Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
+ You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
+ It's dark when you drive to and from work.
+ Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
+ "Communication" is something your group is having problems with.
+ You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
+ Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
+ Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
+ Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
+ Art involves a white board.
+ You're already late on the assignment you just got.
+ When 100% of your time means 20 hours.
+ You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"
+ Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
+ Your boss' favorite lines are "When you get a few minutes", "In your spare time", "When you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
+ Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a cheque you get every January.
+ Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
+ Change is the norm.
+ Nepotism is encouraged.
+ The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.
+ You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
+ You read this entire list and understood it.
+ You never went to a bar in high school.
+ You thought that the only highways were 91 and 84.
+ You thought everyone couldn't buy beer after 8 pm.
+ You know what kind of packages you buy at a "package store".
+ You actually thought that Hartford was big.
+ You or someone you know has attended UCONN.
+ You drive a JETTA.
+ You still think that the Whalers are cool.
+ You have been to Misquamicut and to that little hot dog place.
+ There is a farm at least 5 miles from your house.
+ You thought bars were really for people over 21.
+ Your high school thanksgiving football game was the highlight of your school year.
+ You have known at least 2 preppy rich kids from Fairfield who listens to Phish.
+ You love Hilton Caterly and your mom cried when he retired.
+ Uconn basketball rules and no one can tell you different.
+ You have deer in your back yard.
+ You still don't understand why people say that Connecticut is the richest state...
+ Your bestfriend went to central, western, eastern and finally Manchester Community College.
+ Your mom works at Travelers and your dad works at Pratt and Whitney.
+ You have been drunk at the Meadows and don't remember the concert or how you ended up in that guy's trunk?
+ You go to Riverside at least once a summer.
+ Your parents actually care about the Governor, the Patriots coming to Hartford, the lights at CHristmas in Hartford, Channel 3 news.
+ You have a UCONN flag outside of your house year round.
+ You thought New Jersey was a toxic waste dump.
+ You hang out at Friendly's.
+ You've partied at bonfires.
+ You have at least one friend with a pickup or a Minivan.
+ You think everyone works tobacco in the summer.
+ You think Old Lyme is a shore town.
+ You've been to Cape Cod.
+ You think the Connecticut River is endless.
+ The town Diner is the only place open after midnight.
+ You have at least 4 friends who drive Jeep Grand Cherokees.
+ You root for all the New York sports teams.
+ If anybody asks, you're from just outside of New York.
+ You've never looked at a public bus schedule.
+ You have both girlfriends and guyfriends with the same name as you.
+ You go to the diner late night to post party.
+ You think New Haven is the worst ghetto you've ever seen.
+ You can proudly tell an outsider about Nutmeg.
+ You weekend either on the Cape or Rhode Island at a summer home.
+ You have said... "I'm in a good location... between both Boston and New York."
+ You can carry on a conversation about Mike Liut, Torrie Robertson, and the Brass Bonanza.
+ You don't have an accent when you talk.
+ You have to explain Cow Tipping to people from out of state.
+ When you go to a real city, you sincerely feel bad for every poor/homeless person you see.
+ You get mad at anyone who doesn't know how to drive in the snow.
+ You can name all the members of the UCONN men's and women's basketball teams.
+ You still can't find your way in Hartford (except for that bar area near Union Station).
+ You hold the door open for someone and they don't say "Thank You".
+ Our children HAVE TO HAVE the latest gadget/toy in school to avoid serious taunting by their peers.
- Erma Bombeck
...say 'Oops' in the operating room.
- Dr. Leo Troy
...use while sleeping.
- Instruction on Conair hair dryer
...stand between a dog and the hydrant.
- John Peers
...give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.
- Ruth Gordon
+ Internet spelling/grammar corrector
+ Restroom attendant at the Texas Chili Competition
+ "NYPD Blue" Makeup Specialist, Butt Division
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no fat -- the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
Exception : Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Examples are : spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.
NOTE : Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat.
Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage".
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think".
6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy".
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.
- I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)
- Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen?
(Chances are she hasn't seen that movie - and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her.)
- I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case.
- Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!
- Hey, that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy, am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.
- I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here... maybe it will camouflage your drool).
- I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).
- Do you think she's prettier than me?
(Give her a taste of her own medicine)
-------------------------
Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home
Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine
3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera
Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women = Knott NOW
Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese
Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi DoDa
If the DNA from the bloody glove were cloned and produced a baby O.J. Simpson, then could we maybe get an actual guilty verdict?
If Hare Krishnas start cloning themselves, how will the rest of us find out?
If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V or Henry IV Jr. or wait, Henry IV part II?
Could they clone Al Gore, or would he have to be grafted?
Is it possible to make a clone of Kate Moss and then attach the two together to make a regular-sized person? Sure, she'd have two heads, but that would still be way more normal.
Would it work if I binged and my clone purged?
Would it be ethical to dig up the remains of our founding fathers, create clones from the bone cells, and place them in a theme park called Clonial Williamsburg?
* You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
* The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
* Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
* You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
* Your children's school calls to surrender.
* The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.
* Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
* Your plants do better when you don't talk to them.
* All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
* Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.
You're a REDNECK if...
You May Be a Redneck... If
You Might Be a Redneck... If
+ You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
+ You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
+ You use a weedeater in your living room.
+ You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
+ You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest.
+ You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
+ You think the OJ Trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
+ You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
+ You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
+ You've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba' or 'Junior'.
+ You've ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.
+ You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
+ You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
+ You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
+ The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
+ Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
+ Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
+ You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since 'Smokey and the Bandit' was snubbed for Best Picture.
+ The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front.
+ You consider "True Story" or "Field and Stream" or "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
+ You prominently display a gift purchased at Graceland.
+ You prominently display a gift you CLAIM was purchased at Graceland.
+ The diploma hanging in your den includes the words, "Trucking Institute".
+ Your mother keeps a spit-cup on the ironing board.
+ You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
+ The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is, "What the hell are YOU looking at, shithead?"
+ You think beef sticks and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
+ You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention ever.
+ Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
+ Your matchbook doubles as a toothpick.
+ Your richest relative needed help taking the wheels off his new house.
+ You mow your lawn and find a car.
+ You own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren't.
+ You think the stock market has a fence around it.
+ Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
+ Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
+ Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
+ You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
+ You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
+ The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
+ You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
+ Your entire family has ever had to sit around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
+ Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
+ Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home."
+ Birds are attracted to your beard.
+ You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
+ You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
+ You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
+ You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
+ You clean your fingernails with a pocket knife.
+ Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.
+ You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
+ You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
+ Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
+ You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
+ Your front porch collapses and kills more than six dogs.
+ Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
+ You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
+ Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.
+ You can get dog hair from your belly button.
+ You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
+ The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
+ You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
+ A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
+ One of your kids was born on a pool table.
+ You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
+ You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
+ You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
+ You own a homemade fur coat.
+ Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
+ On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
+ Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".
+ You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
+ Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
+ You got Clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house.
+ You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
+ The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
+ The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
+ You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
+ You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
+ The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
+ You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
+ Less than half the cars you own run.
+ Your house has more mileage than your car.
+ You have appeared on TV more than 7 times just to explain a tornado.
+ Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Patrolman to kiss her ass.
+ Your family tree doesn't fork.
+ You have ever financed your tattoo (two more payments, this tattoo is mine!).
+ You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
+ The neighbors started a petition about your Christmas lights.
+ You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
+ Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
+ Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
+ Every electrical outlet in your house breaks a fire code.
+ You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
+ There are more than 5 McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
+ You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
+ You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
+ You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
+ A Southern Redneck's Seven Course Dinner: Possum and a six pack!
+ Your child calls her father "Uncle Daddy".
+ You keep your thermostat on 85 in the winter.
+ Bill Clinton is the most intelligent man you've seen.
+ Hilary Clinton is the prettiest woman you've seen.
+ Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
+ Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
+ After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
+ All of your four-letter words are two syllables.
+ A common household phrase is "Somebody jiggle that".
+ Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road".
+ Kudzu is in your family crest.
+ The taxidermist bill exceeds annual income.
+ More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
+ You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
+ You've ever used lard in bed.
+ You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
+ Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
+ You've ever been arrested for loitering.
+ You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
+ There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
+ You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
+ Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
+ There is a wasp nest in your living room.
+ You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
+ You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
+ You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
+ Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
+ Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
+ Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
+ Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
+ Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
+ You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
+ Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
+ You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
+ You're an expert on worm beds.
+ The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
+ The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
+ You haul more than U-Haul.
+ There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
+ Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
+ Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
+ Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
+ Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers".
+ The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
+ Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
+ You pick your teeth from a catalog.
+ You've ever financed a tattoo.
+ Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
+ You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
+ The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
+ Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
+ You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
+ None of your shirts cover your stomach.
+ Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
+ You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.
+ You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
+ Bikers back down from your momma.
+ Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
+ You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
+ You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
+ You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
+ The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
+ You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
+ You clean your nails with a stick.
+ You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
+ Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
+ People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
+ Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
+ You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
+ You've ever been too drunk to fish.
+ You've ever bought a used cap.
+ Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
+ You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet 'Ms. Right'.
+ In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
+ You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
+ Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
+ Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
+ Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
+ You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
+ You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
+ You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
+ Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
+ You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
+ You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
+ You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
+ Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
+ Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
+ Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
+ You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
+ You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
+ You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
+ You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
+ You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
+ The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
+ You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
+ Someone in your family says, "Cum'n heer an' look it this afore I flush it."
+ Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
+ You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
+ You can spit without opening your mouth.
+ Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
+ You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
+ You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
+ You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
+ You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
+ You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
+ You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
+ You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
+ You've never paid for a haircut.
+ You consider a three piece suit to be : a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
+ There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
+ You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
+ You've ever made change in the offering plate.
+ The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
+ You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
+ You own at least 20 baseball hats.
+ You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
+ You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
+ When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
+ Your screen door has no screen.
+ Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
+ Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
+ Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
+ When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
+ You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
+ Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
+ You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
+ Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
+ You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
+ You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
+ You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
+ You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
+ You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
+ There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
+ It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
+ You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
+ You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
+ Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job -- primer red and primer gray.
+ The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
+ Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire... on her house.
+ The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
+ You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
+ You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
+ You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
+ You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
+ Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
+ You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
+ You fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something.
+ When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
+ Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
+ Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
+ Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
+ You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
+ You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
+ You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
+ Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
+ The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
+ You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
+ Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
+ Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
+ Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
+ Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
+ During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
+ You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
+ On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
+ Your parakeet knows the phrase, "Open up, Police!"
+ You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
+ In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
+ You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
+ You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
+ You bring your dog to work with you.
+ Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
+ You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
+ Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
+ Your masseuse uses lard.
+ Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
+ You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
+ On stag night, you take a real deer.
+ You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
+ Your back porch is bigger than your house.
+ There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
+ A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
+ An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
+ You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
+ You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
+ Your secret family recipe is illegal.
+ Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
+ Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
+ Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
+ Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
+ You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
+ Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
+ Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
+ You think cur is a breed of dog.
+ People hear your car long before they see it.
+ Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
+ Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
+ Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
+ Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
+ Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
+ You've ever hitchhiked naked.
+ You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
+ You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
+ Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
+ The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
+ Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
+ Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
+ There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
+ The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
+ You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
+ You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
+ Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
+ Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
+ You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
+ The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
+ You list your parole officer as a reference.
+ There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
+ Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
+ There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
+ You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
+ You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
+ Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
+ Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
+ You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
+ You Might be a High Tech Redneck... If Your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com".
+ You Might be a High Tech Redneck... If You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page".
+ You Might be a High Tech Redneck... If The bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop".
+ You Might be a High Tech Redneck... If Your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson".
+ You Might be a High Tech Redneck... If You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
+ You Might be a High Tech Redneck... If Your baseball cap reads "RAM" instead of "CAT".
+ You Might be a High Tech Redneck... If Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
+ You Might be a High Tech Redneck... If Your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her.
+ You Might be a High Tech Redneck... If You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy".
+ You Might be a High Tech Redneck... If Your screen saver is a bit map image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
+ You Might be a High Tech Redneck... If You start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all".
+ You Might be a High Tech Redneck... If You throw AOL trial diskettes in the back of your pickup truck.
+ Redneck foreplay : "Get in the truck, bitch."
+ Redneck foreplay : (Nudge) "Are you awake?"
+ Redneck love -- It's a Family affair.
+ Redneck marriage proposal... YER WHUT!!??????
+ Redneck pickup line : "Hey, you look like my sister."
+ Redneck : (n); a person whose family tree doesn't fork.
...for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.
...for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
...for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
...for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
...for all the complaining I hear about government because it means we have freedom of speech.
...for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.
...for my huge heating bill because it means I am warm.
...for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.
...for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.
...for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been working hard.
...for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive.
...for getting too much e-mail because it lets me know I have friends who are thinking of us.
2. Whisper to each other.
3. Cook for each other.
4. Walk in the rain.
5. Hold hands.
6. Buy gifts for each other.
7. Roses.
8. Find out their favorite cologne/perfume and wear it every time you're together.
9. Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight.
10. Write poetry for each other.
11. Hugs are the universal medicine.
12. Say 'I love you', only when you mean it and make sure they know you mean it.
13. Give random gifts of flowers/candy/poetry etc.
14. Tell her that she's the only girl you ever want. Don't lie.
15. Spend every second possible together.
16. Look into each other's eyes.
17. Very lightly push up her chin, look into her eyes, tell her you love her, and kiss her lightly.
18. When in public, only flirt with each other.
19. Put love notes in their pockets when they aren't looking.
20. Buy her a ring.
21. Sing to each other.
22. Always hold her around her hips/sides.
23. Take her to dinner and do the dinner for two deal.
24. Spaghetti? (Ever see Lady and the Tramp?)
25. Hold her hand, stare into her eyes, kiss her hand and then put it on your heart.
26. Dance together.
27. I love the way a girl looks right after she's fallen asleep with her head on my lap.
28. Do cute things like write 'I love you' in a note so that they have to look in a mirror to read it.
29. Make excuses to call them every 5 minutes.
30. Even if you are really busy doing something, go out of your way to call and say 'I love you'.
31. Call from your vacation spot to tell them you were thinking about them.
32. Remember your dreams and tell her about them.
33. Listen to them and share their dreams.
34. Tell each other your most sacred secrets/fears.
35. Be Prince Charming to her parents. (Brownie Points)
36. Brush her hair out of her face for her.
37. Hang out with his/her friends. (more brownie points)
38. Go to church/pray/worship together.
39. Take her to see a romantic movie and remember the parts she liked.
40. Learn from each other and don't make the same mistake twice.
41. Describe the joy you feel just to be with him/her.
42. Make sacrifices for each other.
43. Really love each other, or don't stay together.
44. Let there never be a second during any given day that you aren't thinking about them, and make sure they know it.
45. Love yourself before you love anyone else.
46. Learn to say sweet things in foreign languages.
47. Dedicate songs to them on the radio.
48. Fall asleep on the phone with each other.
49. Stand up for them when someone talks trash.
50. Never forget the kiss goodnight. And always remember to say, "Sweet dreams".
Lines to live by
2. No man is worth your tears, and the one who is WON'T make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. They say love hides behind every corner, then I must be walking in circles.
5. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
6. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
7. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
8. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
9. Don't waste your time on a guy/girl, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
10. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
11. Don't cry because it is over, SMILE :) because it happened.
12. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
13. MAKE yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
14. DON'T TRY SO HARD... THE BEST THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT THEM TO...
-+- He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
-+- He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
-+- He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
-+- He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
-+- He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
-+- He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.